This might be a stupid question but I know a few people that seem nice and friendly, but I don’t like most of their friends.
I’m wondering if this is always a red flag. I used be ‘friends’ with people who are real jerks but I didn’t really noticed or gaslight it.
***Edit***
I have been reading comments and I want to clarify further what I meant rude and mean; people who would lie and gossip, disrespectful gestures (like silent treatment, direct or passive-aggressive insults), and anything similar.
I spoke to a few people who seem really nice but their friends are *MEAN*. Like they did the following things above. I feel like it is red flag, as the people may pretend to be nice with me for whatever reasons (flying monkeys or playing games with me) but I’m wondering if these assholes switch when they are certain people, so some people really don’t know.
16 comments
Usually, yeah. You’re the average of the people you spend the most time with.
I don’t think so. I’m friends with a few people who others consider mean or rude, but usually the people that consider them mean or rude are insecure in their own right. Just like people that are boastful and quote unquote rude are also insecure in some way.
Usually people that are mean like that, if you don’t take them too seriously and laugh it off, they respect you a lot more. And want to be around you.
Some people of course, there are people that are really terrible, but I like to give everyone a chance
At a minimum the flag is orange, heading toward red, yes.
Not always, many people are in that same boat where they just take the hits because they don’t know how to respond to it. Usually they leave those friends and find better ones later in life.
I cut ties with a friend during the pandemic who always had the rudest cast of characters around her. And eventually little things she would say and do started to annoy me. She made friends with some Qanon nutcases early in the pandemic, started parroting their talk, and that was my cue to officially end our friendship.
Not necessarily. It doesn’t seem like it’s impacted their behavior, since they’re still nice and friendly?
While the facts / cliches of “you’re the average of your 5 closest friends…” definitely have power, people are much more complex then that, and should be given fair evaluation on a case by case basis.
I’ve been friends with people who could be mean, or rude at times, but I still enjoyed them as friends. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag.
It raises questions that I will sometimes be fine to ask, and sometimes is an answer in itself.
You would have to further define rude or mean in the context of events. Like, I knew a stone faced person back in school who had all the charisma of a gargoyle and was short and curt in conversations. They also loved animals, and had extensive ecological knowledge and were a great hiking partner. Turned out they just thought most people sucked because few had given them the time of day on anything they actually had interest in.
On the contrary, one of the meanest people I was friends with was everyone’s friend, a veritable social butterfly. Turns out that was because they had very little actual regard for the people in their life: all set dressing, no substance.
Wondered the same thing myself. I think others can see a different perspective on the person that you don’t see. I have a friend who’s great but is chill with a guy I really dislike, doesn’t change how I feel about him.
In my opinion, yes, because from my point of view, tell me who you are talking to, the places you go to, that is you. Or it is possible that this person who is friends with rude people does not know who they really are, Or he cannot speak or befriend people other than these, and in the end, do not judge a person unless you talk to him for a while, Maybe if you get to know them they won’t be so bad.🫶
I think the top comment interpreted this as the friends being mean to other friends, but I interpreted it as the friends being nice (or at least “friendly”) to the people in their circle/their friends but rude to others/are a rude/mean person in general, which I have seen happen before. And in that case, yes, that is still a red flag. They likely don’t see anything wrong with their friend’s behavior.
Not always and not necessarily. How are they rude? When are they rude? To who are they rude? Does the nice friend change when around them?
I have friends that are rude, I’ve never been considered that way that I’m aware of. I have friends that drink a lot, I don’t drink. I have friends who do drugs, I’ve never once even tried drugs. I have friends who go dancing, I don’t dance. I have very religious friends, I think religion is the worst thing that has happened to society. Just because you associate with someone doesn’t automatically make you like them or will become like them. I don’t have to agree with everything a person does to be friends with them. So no, not a red flag in my opinion. I take the person based upon how they are.
I’d argue that sometimes, the people who have rude friends, are actually not that strong individuals and might let people in their social circle who are toxic even to them and they can’t do anything about it because they are too afraid to cut people off.
So for me it depends
eh
Yep.
If lots of their friends are shitty, it means they are shitty too, you just haven’t seen it yet.
And if their friends are shitty to you and they don;t call it out…well, that’s even worse.
I was thinking recently about the exact same thing. I came to the conclusion, while it shows their judgment to a certain degree or lack thereof, I don’t see it as red flag.
Those “rude” people might be very nice to them and disguise their real character or they are actually decent people and you just caught them on a bad day etc.
What I’m trying to say is that those things are highly subjective and very complex. I probably wouldn’t want to hang out with them together or hear stories on end about their friend but I would not interfere or throw shade. If they’re truly mean or rude people the person I’m with will eventually realise and come around the fact.
Not always but it can turn that way too I found “you are the company you keep” awfully true