Am I valid or crazy?
My (24F) boyfriend (28M) of four years went on a three month long vacation and is coming back in a few days. I’ve essentially been single this whole time as he didn’t really keep up with me emotionally/mentally and I resent him for straining our relationship like this.
I feel like my emotions have no where to go, I don’t want to hold resentment but I also don’t want to pretend everything’s fine when I feel hurt. I have an abandonment wound and this whole experience sucked for me.
While he was away I noticed he had been following a lot of women he had met, some with very scandy pics and that hurt me a lot. I talked to him about it and he says he has been faithful and it’s nothing to worry about. Part of me doesn’t even want to be intimate with him when he comes home because I’m afraid he’s cheated.
I feel like I’d be a sad puppy/doormat if I welcomed him back with open arms as if nothings happened but I also don’t want to be a bitch and I understand he needs to live his life. He also promised to fly me out during the trip but never followed through.
Basically my question is how do I receive him in a way that shows I care and want to work on us without being pathetic?
30 comments
I can’t imagine being away from my partner that long voluntarily. He showed you how much he values you, stand up.
I just couldn’t and wouldn’t. A man that loves and values you wouldn’t disappear for 3 months to “vacation” period.
Don’t be a doormat. Be better to ourselves.
Yeah, that’s tough. What’s going on with him that he’s taking a 3 month vacation, especially without meeting up with you at least once? Or even being able to take a 3 month vacation from responsibilities? He better be some sort of Sociology Doctoral Candidate studying cultures or something.
Honestly, anything past 2 weeks would be a relationship ender unless he offered to take you along with him and you declined. No partner who cares about their significant other in any meaningful way would do that. After 3 months you’re both different people now and will have grown apart, especially the one traveling.
And every time he tells you a story about his trip what you’ll subconsciously hear is “Yeah, I saw this one really cool thing that I totally f*cking destroyed our relationship to go look at for 10 minutes and then move to the next thing to look at”
Honestly, it’s probably going to be so awkward that it’s going to be easier to call it quits.
Girl he was single on that trip. You should tell him to stay that way. Why do you need our permission? He should’ve been blocked long ago.
What was the convo like about the trip before he left?
>I’ve essentially been single this whole time as he didn’t really keep up with me emotionally/mentally and I resent him for straining our relationship like this.
The three months isn’t the issue, the issue is that he wasn’t there to communicate.
>He also promised to fly me out during the trip but never followed through.
He’s a massive jackass for not keeping his word.
And who vacations for *3 damn months?*
No.
The 3 month thing is fine if you guys kept in contact and stuff like that. I was long distance for 4 years, we’d call every day and text when not calling. But you said he didn’t keep up with your emotions, did you ever tell him how you felt? The other thing that’s sus is how he was following those women and “nothing happened”.
Girl.. he was no long your boyfriend the moment he left and didn’t fly you out. Having wandering eyes is pretty much cheating. Every relationship is different but that’s a hard boundary for me, wandering eyes is emotional cheating. Even if he didn’t lay a hand on them, still. My ex did the same, he followed a lot of women that had very revealing pictures. Told me “don’t worry, I don’t talk to any of them. You’re making a big deal outta nothing.” Lol, okay so unfollow them then? It’s disrespectful to be looking at these kind of pictures of ladies while in a relationship. Like how is liking a sexy booty picture of girls on a beach appropriate? It’s not. He never unfollowed them, such a red flag.
You don’t need to see solid cold proof to know he cheated, deep down you already know what the answer is. If you choose to forgive him and welcome him with open arms after all this time, you don’t have any respect for yourself. You deserve someone that’s loyal to you without any doubts. He used that trip to have fun and act single, well let him. Tell him his bags are packed and y’all are done.
Just don’t welcome him.
He’s been highly emotionally distant this whole time to the point you felt single.
Well, act single, don’t make yourself available. It’s up on him to apologize for his disappearance and make you feel important if you are to him
If you don’t trust he’s been faithful, break up with him. That’s all you need to know.
No way to do it in a way where you don’t look like his doormat that he can step on and disregard your opinions and emotions like they are nothing, if you are gonna welcome him back, you gonna have to suck it up, maybe wear clown make up to top it up.
Just don’t respond to his calls and do your own things! Do to him what he did to you because that ah had show you how much you mean to him so show him how disgust you are of him. Don’t let him touch you or anything,I’m sure you will discover he had his good time with others girls!
Don’t welcome him. Use the days to entangle your lives
This is not good. You don’t want someone who doesn’t value your emotional needs, especially when he’s away from you. As someone else said, HE was single on that trip. I definitely do NOT understand the need to follow other girls on social media, either. Pack your/his bags and leave/kick him out before he’s back. Reddit is known for being harsh on relationships, but this is beyond that. A lack of respect and consideration for you. And trust me, from personal experience I tell you having doubts that he’s cheating on you means he is giving you reasons to have the doubts, no matter if he is cheating or not, another form of disrespect.
Unfortunately, taking him back at this point teaches him he can do something like this and get away with it. Don’t let him treat you with such disrespect.
He ended the relationship when he pulled this stunt. I’m so sorry.
I think you receive him in a way that shows his lack of care for the relationship has done great damage to it and that he will need to be the one to show you that he is willing and eager to work on the relationship. He’s the one that will have to do the work here, not you. Honestly you should probably dump him.
If you were a priority to him, he would have wanted to share his trip with you, even if it was virtually. Check ins, or emails of some sort.
I’ll be honest – I can’t even fathom continuing this relationship, if it was me.
My husband and I started talking in November 2003 – long distance. Since that day, there has been only 3 days where we didn’t interact in some way, if we weren’t together. Either via text, video, or phone call, and that’s because he was on a 3 day canoe trip to a place that had no reception. In the earlier years we spent a LOT of time apart, and still, we made it a priority to always connect no matter what time it was.
Even now, 20 years later, if he doesn’t talk to me all day because he was out and I was busy, he comes home like “I missed you today!” I’m not saying that has to be everyone, but it’s nice to me, after growing up the unwanted one.
Regardless, you deserve better.
I’m not a jealous person at all but I would be willing to bet money that he cheated.
When there’s smoke, there’s a fire – a faithful man doesn’t follow half naked girls he met on the trip, just saying. Some guys like to say it’s normal and not cheating but weirdly enough, the quality men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting don’t feel the need to look at other women and are appalled at the mere thought.
And girl, even if he didn’t, it’s up to him to show that HE cares and that HE’S not a pathetic asshole. He purposefully neglected you and broke promises during the trip, he can beg on his knees to even be your boyfriend anymore.
Trash man, next one please.
I personally would dump him but it sounds like you’re already single anyway so just block him
Why waste your time and energy? 3 months holidaying solo whilst in a supposedly committed relationship is a weird one. My husband and I have had separate breaks with friends, but more like a long weekend, although I did spend a week in America with a friend and will be there for a week visiting family with just my youngest next year. I don’t think either of us would be happy spending 3 months apart, unless it was for some life changing reason like a major job opportunity that could be a game changer for our family, maybe.
Why are you still there? This bothered you and he isn’t even thinking twice about it. You 2 just aren’t on the same page.
3 months? Girl I broke up with my ex 2 months ago and can barely remember how it was being with him.
He not only was able to leave you behind for THREE MONTHS but it’s clear that he wasn’t missing you like hell.
Listen, I don’t want to be the person who instantly recommends breakup. But like… Don’t you want to be with a person you don’t have to be worried about? Don’t you wish your significant other was someone who gets you, makes you feel comfortable and is receptive when it comes to your insecurities?
Honestly, I don’t know anyone who would be okay with ther partner leaving for such a long period of time meanwhile behaving distant.
Focus on you. Try to let him go and you will see if he cares.
Sorry to hear this happened. At least it didn’t get dragged out.
There is absolutely no way to welcome him back and not be pathetic.
Don’t do it. Find a new partner
You are single and you don’t get back with him.
You either trust him and are looking forward to his return or you don’t trust him and feel anger and resentment. And if it’s the latter, then it’s over.
Just don’t be available!
First – be excited to see him because you did miss him.
Second – you need to communicate all of this to him
Thanks for the laugh, but I think I’ll stick with communicating instead of blocking. #relationshipgoals