Throwaway account
This needs a bit of context, my gf (F21) and I (M23) have been dating for the best part of 6 months, things were great when they started, and I could tell she was slowly but surely turning into a happier person as the months went by, and I was happy to see her change from someone with no motivation to keep going to someone with a newfound love for life, I was happy to be a part of that and I was ready to give her the world if she asked for it.
But as the relationship went on I started to feel doubts, mostly due to past experiences that made me insecure and kind of messed up in the head; an example would be how I learned to turn off my emotions to avoid being hurt; a few months ago I decided to talk to her about my insecurities and doubts mostly because I asked her out, and things were going great from her perspective, and I didn’t feel it was fair for her since I started the relationship, we ended up deciding to keep things going and just enjoy the present, and each other, even if things might not work in the long run.
Fast forward to yesterday when she invited me to go drinking with her and her brother, who is a good friend of mine, a friend of hers that has some history with her family showed up, let’s call her Ann (F28).
Ann and Gf have been friends for years, mostly thanks to A’s relationship with her family, and the whole family hates Ann but they can’t do anything about it due to what it’ll cost them if they stop talking to her, thanks to that Gf learned to be fake around her for her family’s sake.
I should add that GF is very straight, or at least that’s what she’s told me, she also has had very bad relationships before me, mostly assholes and cheaters, and she says that I’m the best thing to happen to her and she wants to marry me because of it. We also have an agreement about not being with anyone else, we never agreed to be in an open relationship or anything of the sort.
As the night went on, GF continues to come over and kiss me so that “everyone will know that I’m with her” which I was okay with, although i didn’t like the possessiveness of the comment. one of which Ann was next to me, gf comes and kisses me, then gestures to Ann and kisses her too, in front of me, to say I was surprised and angry was an understatement, but thanks to some old experiences I was able to switch my emotions off as to not cause a scene and ruin gf and her brother’s night, I looked away and moved to a different chair so I could continue to drink with her brother (only water, as I was the DD)
I go back a few minutes later and sit by the pool table, where i see her sitting in Ann’s lap, gf looks at me and tells me to take notes, as if she hasn’t sat on my lap before, kisses Ann again, then stands up and kisses me. at this point, I could feel a nauseating feeling in my stomach, so I left again.
The Third time i go over I caught gf hiding behind Ann, when i go to check, Ann tells me that gf was grabbing her boobs, by that point I wanted to leave them stranded in the bar and head home, but decided to stay, instead grabbing my coat and telling gf and her brother that her had to go as gf had work early morning and it was 11 by that point.
when we get home i decide to stay the night as I was also her ride to work in the morning, I went to her room and pushed all of my feelings away as I turned the tv and played a random show to get distracted, then she comes to the room with me and starts to cuddle me, telling me how the night went and how fun it was
At this point I couldn’t hold it anymore and started shaking as i ask her why she kissed Ann, she tells me she doesn’t know, and I asked her how would she react if I did the same thing with someone else, she told me she’d be angry, I told her exactly, and I start telling her how what she did hurt me, how it wasn’t fair to me, how disrespectful it was, and how her having been cheated on before should know better. She tells me that she wasn’t thinking when she did it, that it didn’t help that she was tipsy, how she’s used to being close with her, how she has no feelings for her at all, how it was just them fucking around. All I hear at this point is excuses, as they have nothing to do with what she did. This is the point where she starts crying and I keep grilling her for what she did, me crying and shaking too, she apologized, saying that she didn’t mean to cheat on me, especially after she told me she wasn’t as drunk as I thought.
After we are done I fall asleep, get ready in the morning to take her to work and we drive all the way to her job in silence, she asked me if we would still be together after this, I didn’t answer the question, then I go home and try to sleep, just to be plagued by nightmares until 1 hour ago. then I started to write this post.
I feel lost, confused, numb, and uncaring, which is exactly how I used to feel to prevent being hurt in past relationships.
What should I do?
Should i end things? I worry too much about other people, and I’m afraid she’d turn into a mess if I break things off, but i can’t ignore this breach of trust.
Or should I find a way to make things work again? I can tell she feels bad about it, and that she doesn’t want to lose me, but it upsets me it took me arguing with her for her to realize what she did was fucked up
Am I exaggerating? Maybe I took things too seriously and I should’ve just ignored it, is not like I’m against her being with someone else, we talked about it at the beginning of the relationship and decided to keep it closed, as I was the only person she wanted to be with. And since then I told her that if she changed her mind all she had to do was ask for permission, which she didn’t do.
Whatever I decide to do should be fast, I have to pick her up from work in 2 hours.
tl;dr gf and i have been together for 6 months in a monogamous relationship, my gf kissed a friend of hers in front of me twice, then I caught her grabbing her friend’s boobs, we argued about it when we got home and she kept making excuses, just to apologize for cheating on me after I was done Talking. How should I handle this?
28 comments
Ask her in all these actions where was her respect for you and your relationship together.
Her excuses and actions all shout that she does not respect you as a man, and she pissed all over your relationship and you in front of your friends.
With all that, why would a person with any self-respect want to be with her?
She seems shallow, impulsive and lacking empathy. So why have this person in your life. What value could she add.
and her emotional fragility is her problem, not yours. In hurting you, she hurt herself. So add self-destructive to the list.
What do you mean by kissing? Is it on cheeks or on the lips?
You can tell her that you like her but you’re not sure if you can trust her any longer. And you don’t want to be in a relationship that lacks trust. You need some time to figure it out.
But if you already know that you are going to have a really hard time with this, just end it now.
Remember, you dont have to figure this out right away. Tell your GF you need time.
She have to respect that.
Also, ask if she have kissed or done anyone else during your run.
Her blaming the alcohol is not good, will you have to worry everytime she drink?
Take your time and figure this out. No rush
Just ask her what would happen if the roles were reversed. She said she would be mad bit what would she do about it.
Cheating is cheating and to hold you to a different standard is not acceptable.
Could just be the start of the end.
Yeah I would walk away she was kissing someone in front of your face and then said you can only touch her.. yeah sorry but I’d end it, no point of the night did she think about your feelings.. I would of left her the second she kissed her.. jf that how she is while you are there what sort of sh#t does she get up to normally
First thing, you should take your time before making any permanent decision.
Secondly, you should ask your gf if she would be fine staying away from any physical intimacy with Ann, even the more “friendly” kind, no matter if it means making Ann upset, and even if it requires her to be directly opposed to that to her (of course it means not starting it herself as well). Basically, what you need is not your gf “words”. You should take things slow and let yourself be convinced one way or another by your girlfriend’s “actions”. This means that should she agree to your request, the next time there is an opportunity you should observe her behaviour, does she put Ann in her place or not. If not… you need to break up without any further negotiations.
Thirdly, you should talk about your boundaries not just regarding Ann, but anyone else as well. This means agreeing that things like that are unacceptable, and she will put the stop to them even if it means being to rude to whoever may try to be inappropriate with her, not just Ann. Needless to say, she will abstain from doing it herself as well.
Fourthly, you need to talk about alcohol, if alcohol makes her behave inappropriately then she should stop getting drunk. It is really as simple as that.
She knew exactly what she was doing. It likely wasn’t the first time her and “Ann” have kissed, and also likely they talked about it beforehand (kissing in front of you).
Ann either needs to be cut out completely, or you need to break up with her. It’s not worth the drama.
She cheated on you, in front of you, and was demeaning while doing it (take notes?). She’s horrible.
Unfortunately I think in the way she did it, she meant it as playful, thinking you’d be into it. (Obviously not excusing it) but also unfortunate that it obviously crossed a boundary for you and she will have to deal with the consequences. It’s definitely something that should of been talked about way beforehand.
I only say she probably meant it playfully for you is because she says she’s not into woman sexually. While I’ve never kissed any of my girl friends when I was in a relationship, I’ve gone to clubs with said girl friends and randomly kissed them or groped them while dancing.
I hope you guys can talk about it in a civil way, and just know that if you have to take a break to figure it out, she should respect that as well. It definitely seems like she really is remorseful, but even if she is you have the right to break it off if you truly feel like you can’t trust her anymore. A relationship without trust isn’t healthy and will lead to resentment on both sides. Good luck with your talk!
See, I’m hesitant. I’ve been through the transition of, “It didn’t mean anything/I was drunk/There weren’t any feeling” to the crocodile tears. Frankly, she doesn’t respect you, the odds this happens again are very high, and likely will go further.
Bro, she cheated on you in front of you and others. You’re young, take this as a harsh lesson, and move on. If she, her friends, or her family asks, feel free to tell them she cheated on you publicly and you deserve better.
As a lesbian, no you are not exaggerating and I dgaf if she’s “straight.” This was cheating and right in front of you. Only you know if you can forgive that.
I hate straight girls who get sexual with each other for their boyfriend’s enjoyment. They always assume that “since we are both women, my bf will like it and get turned on!” That is the mentality of a weirdo.
Don’t let her say this doesn’t mean anything since she isn’t straight. Because, that isn’t the point. Whether or not she is horny while kissing her isn’t the problem. and don’t let her say “this is for you” when a normal rational person would have asked their partner if they wanted what she did. She chose to kiss her friend multiple times right next to you, that is the problem. She has no respect for you, that is the problem. She is willing to make a scene in front of everyone, that is the problem.
I wouldn’t even bother.
she showed you she doesn’t have respect for you and the relationship so if I were you I would move on
YOU GAVE HER A RIDE TO WORK? dude… dude… I don’t mean this in an insulting way but please respect yourself. If you forgive her after she cheated in your face in front of a bunch of people you know, what makes you think she won’t do it on the DL? Leave this woman asap. I would’ve driven her to a fucking garbage disposal and thrown her there. My god. You need to value yourself more OP. Please leave this woman and do some self reflection.
Edit ti say you’re still picking her up from work??????? NOOOOOOOO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Please love yourself a little
There are a bunch of issues here:
1. Her behavior was bizarre and inconsistent with her words. It almost sounds like she was deliberately provoking you.
2. You just let it happen. Why? It would be worth some introspection and perhaps some therapy to try to figure that out. Your lack of reaction at the time made it worse. You didn’t have to blow up, but it would have been better to have calmly said something about it, and then perhaps left.
3. Her response when you brought it up doesn’t seem to accept responsibility or show any real empathy.
Overall, given that your relationship is only six months old, my advice as an old guy is that it isn’t worth hanging around to figure out what her problem is, nor trying to fix it. Her behavior was bizarre, hurtful, and deeply disrespectful of your feelings. That’s a deal-breaker.
She kissed someone else multiple times in full view of you and her own family. That shows a complete lack of respect for your relationship and you. If it were me, I’d run.
UpdateMe!
You’re making this seem like it’s Ann’s fault. This is all your gf, not Ann. Your gf chose to degrade and humiliate you publicly by making out with someone else more than once throughout the night. She got off on the fact that she could and not only would you not do anything about it but you still drove her home and stayed to drive her to work the next day!
At what point do you find your self respect and realize she’s not only using you but openly mocking you in front of everyone. She doesn’t love you, honestly she doesn’t even care about you. What she did was calculated and sick. She enjoyed treating you like dirt and having everyone watch while she treated you like dirt. Let her find her own way home. A human being deserves better than to be treated the way she treated you. She is slowly destroying your self worth and the way others see you. Get out of this toxic relationship and get away from her.
For me, it’s not so much the kissing, but the “take notes” comment, that is extremely weird.
If it were me, I would break up right away.
This is weird, honestly.
I think she thought you’d get turned on by it and obviously it backfired. There was also a great deal of defiance and disrespect. You mentioned she rolled her eyes about not drinking so much. It sounds like she did a “I’ll show him” kind of thing.
The fact that she did it in front of you and the “take notes” comment were extremely disrespectful and no amount of alcohol can justify that.
It’s up to you as to whether you wish to forgive her. If you do, you perhaps need to have a bit of probation here. She needs to call Ann in front of you and tell her it was a mistake and will never happen again. She also needs to distance herself as much as possible (I know she is part of her family so it can’t be complete NC). She also needs to go to therapy to figure out why if she can’t verbally tell you. “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer. If she doesn’t know what triggered it, then it will happen again.
These behaviors are unacceptable, you deserve better. This is not the one for you and six months isn’t long, just break it off. She will continue to behave disrespectful towards you. Also I think she needs to come to terms with her sexuality before dating.
An alarming amount of men and women think 2 women cheating together isn’t a big deal/ cheating at all. It is. Honestly, even if you could forgive her, her immature outlook on relationships is a red flag.
Even the fact that she blamed drinking… is she gonna cheat on you every times she gets drunk?? It can be fixed, it just depends on whether you want to
You’re 23 and it’s only been six months. Break up with her and go to therapy so you can get more self worth. Sounds like you need it.
End things. Way too much weird drama for 6months and you are way too young to be tied down.
BAIL.
She kissed someone else. In front of you. Do you need anymore reason?
Have a threesome with them, tell her it wasn’t that good, dump her.