Just for background context, I am 23(f) and my boyfriend 24(m) have been together for almost 1.5 years and have been living together for almost 5/6 months now. Our relationship has always been pretty good, we get along great, have a lot of the same interests/beliefs, rarely get into fights and sex has always been great as well. Pretty much a perfect relationship.
After we moved we started getting into little fights here and there, sometimes they would escalate to big blow outs but we always were able to talk it out and come to a compromise if needed. For the past 3 months I have been expressing how our sex life has really diminished and it’s making me feel very unwanted. When I talk to him about this, I’m explaining to him that before we moved, we had sex 3/4 times a week and he would initiate it a lot (as would I) and kiss me all over, go down on me and etc. but now it’s not like that, I’m the one who is constantly initiating and trying to come on to him. He never comes on to me or goes down on me anymore. He’ll say that he’s in the mood over text and then when I get home, nothing. I’ll bring it up and he’ll say he’s too tired or doesn’t feel good. I used to be able to just start touching him and he’d get hard and it’d be on from there, but now it like doesn’t work at all. We have sex maybe 1x a week sometimes 2 if I keep bringing it up over the days. I’m at the point where I want to stop trying all together because I don’t feel wanted. I’ve cried to him 3 times so far about this trying to get him to understand how I’m feeling and he’s always very sweet in his responses, saying how much he loves me and cares about me, that he hasn’t lost any attraction, etc. He says he’s just been really stressed since we moved bc he’s been struggling with his job, money, and we’ve been fighting a lot more since we moved in together. He says that it makes it hard to want to have sex, especially bc of the fighting. He doesn’t feel emotionally open as much as before. Over the past month we both have been working really hard on the fighting and have been doing great with it, so you’d think the sex problem would be getting better, but it hasn’t. He’s initiated it once and when I brought up everything again, just not in detail, he got upset because he doesn’t feel that I acknowledge how he initiated sex first the other day. He said it made him feel discouraged, but I did acknowledge it and I told him I’m happy about that, but it’s been ONCE. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never felt so bad about myself before and it’s making my anxiety and depression 10x worse.
Side context: the month we were moving, I found out that he had been watching porn and lying to me about it. We discussed this in the beginning of our relationship and I told him that I am not okay with it in my relationship, he understood and agreed and said how porn is unrealistic and unhealthy. We had multiple conversations about the porn thing and he’d always promise he never watched it. Well I was on his computer and saw it on his history. I confronted him about it and the next few days were very hard on both of us emotionally, but we decided to worked it out and he promised to never break my trust again.
I know he’s not doing any of this on purpose, but I feel like he’s not actively trying to make this better. Part of me feels like things changed right after the porn incident and maybe that’s why he’s not as into me anymore, bc the porn helped? Idek. I still have anxiety about the whole thing but I don’t think he’d do that again and I know he’s not cheating.
I just want my boyfriend to want me again. Any advice is appreciated..
TL;DR: my boyfriend never wants to have sex with me anymore and I’m feeling unwanted after multiple conversations trying to fix it.
3 comments
It kinda feels like your relationship is over but neither of you wants to admit it.
Per your side context, he’s already crossed a boundary you had discussed plenty of times before, and he lied to you about it. And you say “he’s not doing any of this on purpose,” but… yeah, he is. He’s purposely not working toward improving things; because I think he knows, deep down, that this relationship needs to end and it’s not what he wants. You probably know the same thing, but you’re not admitting it to yourself.
Think of it this way. Say you never met the guy, and a friend offered to introduce you. They tell you he watches porn, lies, gets into arguments with his SO, refuses to initiate sex, and won’t try to improve any of these things. Does… does that sound like a guy you want to date? Because that’s who you’re dating, and the only thing keeping you together seems to be your history and your hope that somehow things will magically improve.
Not saying you’re blameless here either, OP. Reading between the lines, you don’t forgive his past mistakes, you constantly bring up issues, you’re anxious and depressed (and that’s hard for an SO to deal with), and it takes two people to have an argument. But this isn’t about blame, it’s about evaluating the state of your relationship and its trajectory. And the state of the relationship seems “on life support” and the trajectory seems “continuing this way or worsening.” Eventually you need to decide when to pull the plug.
>He says he’s just been really stressed since we moved bc he’s been struggling with his job, money, and we’ve been fighting a lot more since we moved in together. He says that it makes it hard to want to have sex, especially bc of the fighting. He doesn’t feel emotionally open as much as before
Well, sure, and while you two are ‘working’ on the fighting, even small bits are apt to be triggering and as oppressive as the original knockout fights, because he’s become ‘sensitized’ to the issue of fighting.
One solution would be to move apart for a vacation from each other living in a pressure cooker atmosphere. As, bottom line, he’s been seeing too much of you lately (in combination with the assorted ‘issues’), imo.
Stress makes it extremely hard to get in the mood. Help him realize that so he can work on improving in that regard. Also, porn kills your libido, I don’t care what anyone else says.