My husband stealthed me (took off condom without permission) a couple of years ago.
I’m on the pill, but use a condom because I get an uncomfortable reaction to his ‘final result’. (Being itchy ain’t fun.) Also I’m very childfree and I’d like to keep it that way, so contraception is pretty important to me.
I can’t get over it. I thought at the time I could forgive him and move on, but it’s always there at the back of my mind that the person I loved did something like that. It’s interfered with my libido, makes everything uncomfortable and I feel like I keep making him feel bad all over again.
Has anyone else experienced similar? Every article I’ve found on this issue is always one night stands.
23 comments
Marriage counseling and or therapy.
Stealthing is a form of sexual assault. Has he ever fully taken responsibility for his actions, or was the onus on you to forgive him?
It’s understandable why there are still wounds there. Have you two been to counseling over this?
This is clearly a form of abuse/assault. What you are feeling towards him is normal for what he did and it is a trigger now for you. Did he apologize for what he did?
You need to think about counseling to repair the damage his actions caused and to help you heal from the trigger/fear that he will do this again to you.
Married sex with a condom is just plain weird. It was wrong for him to decieve you and weird as hell that you make him wear one. There are much better ways to prevent pregnancy.
This is rape. I understand. My situation is different but my spouse refuses to respect my sexual boundaries and berates me for sex and starts it while I’m sleeping so it’s hard for me to stop it. I love her deeply and I understand struggling to forgive while still loving the spouse. I understand getting revolted at the idea of your partner touching you because you feel like they are always going to be willing to hurt you if you don’t do what they want. I’m sorry. I wish I knew how to fix it. I just wanted to know you’re not alone struggling with something similar. Therapy for yourself maybe?
I commented on another thread that the problem they were dealing with was a 1 or 2 on the relationship Richter scale. This is an 8 or a 9. This the kind of problem that absolutely levels relationships. You feel this way now because there was damage done to your fundamental ability to trust your husband. You guys have to find some way to repair that if you’re going to stay together. And your husband needs to see that as his responsibility. He caused that damage. His choices were the seismic event that damaged the relationship and hurt you. He needs to own that and meet you where you are on this. Start by reframing these conversations in your mind. You’re not “making him feel bad,” you’re working to “make him understand and accept the hurt that he caused, so you can heal.” And that healing will take time even after he makes the right choices. But it can’t start until he does.
Was he trying to get you pregnant?
You set a limit, he decided not to observe it and you got hurt as a result. That’s a violation, not just of your physical body but of the trust you extended him as your partner. I’m not surprised you can’t get over it. And I’m kind of appalled at the internet, because I’ve actually heard of this happening more often in the context of marriage than during ONSs. Usually with a misogynistic chaser of “We’re married, so it’s a given that I shouldn’t have to wear a condom.” Uhhhhh, no. Married people are under no obligation to tolerate the introduction of their partners’ bodily fluids unless they expressly agree to it. Period.
Are you saying u r allergic to his seman? This blows for him.
This is not something that will go away with time. If you and your husband are to continue this marriage, you both need to come to terms with it.
This was rape. Your husband raped you. He needs to understand the level of violation that is, and regret it, and make reparations. And those reparations need to be enough, AND you need to be assured that this will never happen again.
Honestly I don’t know if I could get over this. I would hear a refrain of ‘he raped me’ and ‘this is a rapist’ every single time I looked at him, or thought of him.
Time for divorce.
You have a right to set your “use condom” boundary. He has a right set “I want not to use condoms” boundary. Same with the “I dont want kids” vs “I want kids” preference.
If neither one of you wants to give in on any of those issues, divorce is preferable than assault happening.
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PS Did you guys even discuss kids prior to marriage?
lol there’s a term for that? crazy
Make sure he has no access to your birth control. You don’t need him messing with it.
This is awful, I really feel for you.
Aside from the sexual assault part (which is horrendous), there’s also a complete lack of respect for you, your body and your feelings and thoughts.
I completely understand why you can’t get over it. Personally I think it says a lot about him as a person
Stealthing is a form of sexual assault and absolutely not ok. I’m sorry he did that to you, that would be a deal breaker for me
It is NOT OK that he did this, not in any way.
I didn’t see this addressed in other comments….Have you discussed the reason why he did it, and, more importantly, do you feel comfortable that you actually KNOW the reason? Is there a way that you can “allow” him to get whatever it is he did it for, so that in your mind you understand that his needs are met, thereby alleviating your anxiety over it?
For example, if it’s because he really wants the feeling of your skin wrapped around him, is there a pull out method that you can find that will not give you the itch? Since you ARE on the pill you can also use foam, or a diaphragm to help ensure that any sperm in the precum won’t get where it needs to. ETA: if the precum also itches, this is moot and I’m not sure if there is a safe solution for this reasoning.
If it is because he secretly wants to be a dad, that would be awful and I’m not sure there is a compromise available.
This is sad.
It’s been years but you are still holding on to this for no good reason.
I would say therapy is needed for you and an vasectomy for him.
Which part of his “Final Results” is the culprit to you being itchy?
So, honestly this would be a lot worse if op wasn’t on bc.
Has your husband apologized for this? Has it only happened once?
Definitely experienced similar. Back in the 90s, before plan B, abusive ex I was preparing to leave (and biding my time) stealthed me to babytrap me and prevent me from leaving. Luckily there was a clinic in my town. Not sure why he thought that would work. YEET and I was gone. But he sure as hell tried. Yelling stupid anti-abortion slurs at me for days, that he didn’t even believe. “What? Can’t hear you… “🖕🏼🖕🏼
What’s a condom?
Could you clarify, did he remove the condom with intent to finish there?
Or did he remove the condom and then pulled out?
I ask because it gives us important detail.
I agree with most people about taking the condom without consent is assault. But let’s play devil’s advocate here. Did he explain the reason why he took the condom off? I understand he is/was aware you’re on the pill so I think “to impregnate you” was not a reason.
Again, there is no reasonable explanation for stealthing, but if you want to forgive and forget, you need to understand why he did what he did.
He needs to take responsibility and you need to forgive if you want to move on.
I can’t deal with this sub anymore… every marital disagreement is met with advice to divorce and now this with saying your husband raped you… he did something awful and severely betrayed you, but it doesn’t sound like you were raped (forced to do a sex act against your will).