So today’s my oldest niece’s birthday, and so my older brother C visited us with his kids. Everything is fine for maybe an hour or so. I guess the kids (3 and 4) are squabbling, and the younger one bites the eldest.
All Hell breaks loose, because my older brother is screaming his head off and gives the youngest, we’ll call her V, a quick slap on the leg and sends her to time-out. No biggie, they have to have consequences for their actions.
However, V is crying and screaming bloody murder so as a good auntie, I want to comfort her in her distress. My brother comes out screaming at me to not do anything for my niece because she’s in trouble. OK, that’s fine.
Shit really hits the fan when my oldest niece (we’ll call her A) has an accident in her pants. C spanks her for having an accident. My mom comes in saying that his attitude towards my nieces isn’t right, that A only ever had the accident because she was scared and anxious over how C was yelling at V and her subsequent reaction to being yelled at. My kid brother Y is beginning to yell at my brother in defense of my mom.
I had a very sensitive reaction to all of this, going into my kid brother’s room and finding V and breaking down, apologizing to her for “failing to protect them because of their dad” and I had this impulsive thought to grab a knife in order to defend my mom from my older brother.
After all that’s said and done, I just cried badly, and my mother comforted me over it. I just feel so badly over everything that happened.
If any of you have difficult family members, what is your advice be on the situation?
11 comments
Your brother is abusing his children.
If you think your brother is abusing his kids, you are required to report it to social services. If you and your parents can’t provide support and intervention get the state involved before it’s too late. A child who has a accident should not be punished!
This is a difficult situation, and my only advice is to avoid pulling a knife on anyone. Had you done that where I lived, you would have committed a felony and there wouldn’t be much of a defense. Be careful not to let strong emotions control you.
Your brother isn’t a “disciplinarian”, he’s abusive.
He hit a toddler for not being able to control her bladder, which is an entirely involuntary physiological reaction at that age. Accidents in the context you’ve given are also trauma responses: he’s yelling so much and so loud that he’s scaring his children. You would be justified in reporting this to CPS. They’re not going to take the kids away, but they will take it seriously and maybe get him into parenting classes and anger management.
Look, I grew up getting spanked open-handed, and while I don’t believe in it, I don’t necessarily think it always rises to the level of abuse. A parent smacking a child on the hand to scare them more than hurt them after the child has done something legitimately dangerous is . . . well, it’s not the best way to handle things, but also it’s a legitimate way to get them to understand just how serious something is if they’ve risked hurting or killing themselves (running into the street, etc.).
But that’s not what this is. Your brother is hitting his toddlers out of ANGER and rage at their behaviour. No one should ever lay hands on a child in anger. Ever. It doesn’t do anything to solve the problem, it just harms the kids in every possible way. Your brother’s behaviour indicates that he has problems managing his own anger and emotions, and if he continues to punish his children this way – particularly for things that their bodies do, that they have no control over – he’s going to do lasting damage. Please, call CPS. Some of us are still unpacking traumatic things that happened to us as small children, 30+ years later. Don’t let your nieces be among them.
What a mess.
I can’t figure out why your brother came to your house for his child’s birthday rather than the reverse – that is really strange.
Your brother has failed to establish discipline and behavioral limits with his children. The biting is fucking bananas. His reaction is a clear illustration of why there is chaos. Consequences do not require screaming and hitting.
Then you go and interrupt his child during a time out. What would possess you to do such a thing? It is completely inappropriate and the opposite of being a good auntie.
And I don’t know why your mother is at your house but then she decides to interfere some more when your brother is already having a complete meltdown.
The conversation you chose to have with your niece was insane. If you feel that you failed to protect them from abuse call the police. They will get social services involved. Telling a preschooler that their parent is abusive and doing nothing about it but crying is cruel. Frankly I think you were simply joining in the family penchant for extraordinary drama but if you did see abuse you need to take action.
If you witness any of this again the best thing to do is to remain calm and be a neutral presence that does not make matters worse. If you observe any abuse you need to dial 911.
Above all else I think the biggest lesson here is that your family should not gather. It’s a formula for disaster.
He hit his kid and you say no biggie, are you for real??? Report his abusing ass.
Wow. Your brother is an abusive asshole and is unfit to be a parent. I’m disgusted reading this. This is not okay. If he’s doing that in front of your family, what does he do when nobody is around?
U cant judge or comment how others treat their kids. The only thing u can do is set examples yourself treat and explain to them guide them to understand that their day is being overprotective and loves them but in his own way. And u should show and give them a different kind of love where as to make them feel comfortable and understand that love comes in many forms. U are only visiting u dont have to put up with kids when they mess up. Or lets say if they grow older they get mixed into peer pressured activities and all that. We are not in a position to tell someone how to teach their kids as we dont know what they are going through or seeing. But I believe no parent wants anything bad to happen to their kids. Only the best. Hopefully u find a way to show them a different kind of love. ✌️
Even if you (wrongly) think that not all spanking is abuse, spanking a 4 year old child for having an accident definitely is. Holy crap.
You report it to cps. And hope cps ask his family to foster them. You owe an abuser nothing, whether that abuser is your brother or not.
So many abused children get disappointed and angry about the adults in their lives knowing about the abuse, doing nothing and letting them down, and that includes aunties and grandparents.
How they pray and beg for someone to do something and help them.
To those children, you are no better than they’re dad if you do nothing.
Clearly a stupid idiot that needs to scream to get anything done, sadly there is nothing you can do about the way he raises his kids, unless the discipline is actually physical abuse, what you can to is exclude him from any activity you organize, I would and would make sure exactly why he is no longer welcome.