Men who give the silent treatment after an argument with their long term partner.. why?

49 comments

  1. Not necessarily silent treatment. Sometimes, it’s smarter to collect your thoughts rather than say something you don’t mean in the heat of any argument.

  2. Sometimes reasoning with her, explaining my point of view or telling her the truth is going nowhere. Why bother wasting my breath on someone who fails to see the answer and only believes what she wants to believe, which is often a pack of lies.

  3. Can’t say something stupid and make it worse if you’re not talking. Talk again later after calm time to reflect.

  4. If my emotions are running high. If i take some time. I can have a rational conversation, and not make it worse. Otherwise I can be an asshole.

  5. I used to think it was best to stay quiet rather than say something hurtful impulsively, but honestly it’s a shitty thing to do to a partner and you should just talk things out

  7. If either of you are emotional then there’s a high likelihood you’re going to be irrational as well. Sometimes you just need a cooldown period. Trying to deal with a problem in the here and now might actually just make it worse.

  8. What exactly meant here as “silent treatment”? I’m not going to sabotage our life like refuse to discuss who’s taking the child from school, but I may be not in a mood for a chatting after my partner was mean to me.

  9. If we’re having a disagreement I often go to another room and stay there for a while. However, if my wife needs help or gets hurt I’m there in a flash. I refrain from interaction solely so we can calm down. It’s a cooling off period.

    However, it’s not something I’ll run for days or anything. Just enough time to calm down and be rational again instead of emotions running high.

    The people who go a month with a cold shoulder are just holding a grudge.

  11. I always thought the silent treatment was a women’s thing. Certainly my wife uses it a lot more often than I do.

  14. It’s not the silent treatment its allowing ourselves to calm down process the information and then come back once we are more calm at least that’s why I do it. Sometimes if it gets super heated you have to step away to get a fresh look on the situation and decide if the argument is even worth it.

  15. Cooling off period is necessary to prevent further hurling of expletives! 🤬

  16. Generally, it’s a sign that of 1) poor communication, 2) an assumption that they are always right and if they ignore the problem long enough the other person will come around, or 3) they are just waiting for their partner or themself to cool down (although they should make that clear to the partner instead of just going silent

  18. silent treatment gives me the creeps, I’d choose good old yelling at each other any day.
    argumenting something proves to me that you actually care about the subject/person, instead of just sucking all the joy out of the room

  19. Because we know women feed off attention, both positive and negative.

    Sometimes the most effective way for her to come to her senses and realize the error of her ways is to cut off the attention spigot.

    Plus men really love peace and quiet.

    Women love drama, it makes them feel alive.

  21. Sometimes it’s best to remain silent then to escalate the situation with words you’re gonna regret later.

  22. When people get emotional they stop listening. At that point talking serves no constructive value. Words only become fuel to the fire. That fire burns down relationships over time.

  23. **The ‘Holes in the Fence’ Theory**

    There is a story about a young boy who had difficulty managing his temper. One day his father had an idea. He gave the boy a bag of nails and a hammer and said, “Every time you feel like lashing out at someone or having a tantrum, I give you permission to pound a nail into the backyard fence.”

    Over the next several weeks, the boy did just that. The first few days he hammered a constellation of nails into the first panel. Then, gradually, panel-by-panel, nail-by-nail, he slowed down until he found that he didn’t need to do it anymore.

    That was when his father gave him a new challenge: to remove a nail from the fence for every day he could continue to control his temper. Eventually, all the nails were removed and the son stood proudly before his father.

    “That’s great,” the father said, “But I want you to notice something. Look at those holes in the fence. Those holes don’t go away when you take the nails out. It’s the same thing when you say or do something hurtful to someone else; you can try to take it back later, but the damage remains.”

    This is not just a lesson for children. There are a lot of people who have needed to be reminded of this. If you demand the best from yourself and those around you, there is the danger of getting carried away to the point that you frustrate rather than motivate the ones you rely on most.

    When this happens it’s easy to say, “I’m just a passionate person – it’s just the way I am,” and hope that people will forgive you for your emotional outbursts. In many cases people will forgive you, especially if they have some history with you and trust you. But always remember that each time you do that, you are leaving another hole in the fence.

  24. I only give the actual silent treatment when my partner started it.
    “Hey if you want to be silent, sure. I can do that.”
    She had the power to start it, she has the power to end it. I am not going to.

    She did it once or twice and never again.

  26. My dad did this to my mum while growing up. He did it once for 3 months. At the end of it there was no apology to either us or my mum. Just a bunch of flowers.

  28. It’s not “silent treatment”. It’s frustration. Usually it is something we have hit an impasse on. She has dug in her heals. I hate it. Im not willing to blow up the relationship over it. So I’m shutting up and letting it pass. That can take a while.

  29. Fuck that…we always solve the problem there and then. Otherwise it can be left completely unfixed and you go on and forget about it without resolving. Watched my parents do that and I refuse to do the same. We’re both mature enough to concede when we realize we’re wrong

  30. I’m not a man, but my boyfriend does this sometimes. At first it used to upset me, I have a really bad anxiety disorder and when he used to do it, I would panic and wonder if he was about to leave me, if he was extremely upset with me, etc etc. Real end of the world type stuff. I would get sad, or sometimes angry or feel neglected. When we talked about it, though, it made sense.

    I have a tendency to run very emotional when I’m upset, and though I’ve gotten a lot better, no one likes to argue with someone they love. He told me that *he* does it to give me some time to process the situation, and so that he can do the same and we can both go back to it level headed. Luckily for me, it’s never had to be all that long. He’s very level headed, and we typically will talk about whatever happened within 30min-8hours or so.

    Ive grown to be able to appreciate it, and even though you don’t have to, and his reasons might be different, I find it’s better to assume the best. Even though we’re both upset, I know he’s doing this for both of us and it has done good things for us with conflict resolution.

  32. Personally I see it as an abuse (emotional abuse, manipulation). It’s a one sided action where by the other party must wait until the silent treatment part decides that now they can talk. When I ask why his doing this he said that his giving me time to think about what I have just said. I guess that day I was on alert and few months down the line I agree to ending the relationship.

  33. It’s a trap!

    Women are experts at arguing and emotional manipulation.

    You wouldn’t go in the boxing ring with Mike Tyson would you?

  35. I used to feel like I was walking on eggshells in arguments with my ex. Anything I would say would eventually either be used against me or make her upset in some way which would result me in having to comfort her again even though it might have been her fault anyway.

    This lead me to bury things and feel like it’s better to just stfu than to disturb whatever peace there was in fear that I would upset her and she would leave. Inadvertently she left anyway and my peace returned lol.

    I later learnt that this was very manipulative and that I was a victim of a very emotionally abusive relationship.

    I used to have a very anxious attachment style, and combining that with the people pleasing tendencies that I used to have, this approach used to be easy and cause me the least amount of distress.

    Through therapy and self love, growing, and care, I have fixed my habits and I am now much more secure and find it a lot easier to navigate situations like this.

    Obviously, don’t be a dick, but say what is on your mind. Be sensitive if you have to. If you can’t address an issue right away, come back to it. But it’s your responsibility to.

    “I don’t think we’re getting anywhere with this right now and I’d like to come back to this. We need to simmer down and clear our minds before we can have a logical discussion on this. I need *insert amount of time*, does that work for you? And we can revisit this.”

  37. I never did the silent treatment crap. I find it idiotic and immature, and above all, it shows that the person who does the silent treatment is not ready for a relationship.

    Fuck that. “Either we have a conversation, like adults and find a solution or, she can fuck off with her manipulative antics.” Silent treatment is a huge red flag and very likely, I will walk away from the woman who emolys this childish, manipulative bullshit.

    Chances are, she will use other dramatic, toxic manipulative tactics, too.

  39. What’s the “silent treatment” for you?

    If I was to get in an argument where I needed to leave before something stupid is said I would need to say something like, “I need to take 30 mins to better understand this situation, we can further discuss then.”

    That to me isn’t the silent treatment, that’s healthy communication and something every couple should practice and have.

  40. Holy shit I had no idea how many men don’t understand what “silent treatment” is.

    “Silent treatment” doesn’t mean that you walk away and calm down after an argument.

    “Silent treatment” is when one person completely ignores the other person, for hours or days or weeks, refusing to respond to them or talk to them *at all*. It’s not used to give someone an opportunity to collect their thoughts and communicate effectively, it’s used to essentially “punish” someone for something they said or did.

    It’s an incredibly toxic thing to do in *any* relationship. My ex-wife used to do it to me. We’d have an argument, she’d get really upset, and even after we’d both calmed down, she would refuse to acknowledge my existence. I would say “I’m sorry, let’s talk about this” and she’d pretend I wasn’t even in the room and walk away. Sometimes she would do it for days, one time it was around two weeks.

    I did it to her once when I was really pissed off but I was only able to ignore her for a few hours. I was basically doing it to show her how it felt to be given the silent treament, which is a wildly unhealthy way to deal with the issue. I would never do that to anyone again because I understand how maddening and stressful and toxic it is.

  41. Some men may give the silent treatment after an argument with their long-term partner as a way to assert power and control in the relationship. Others may need time to cool down and process their emotions before engaging in further communication. However, communication is key in any relationship and it’s important for both partners to actively work towards finding a resolution and resolving conflicts.

  42. ‘Men who give the silent treatment after an argument with their long term partner.. why?’

    ​

    Because more often than not we know we’ll only make things worse.

  44. One word… immaturity. I will no longer live like this, we will take a break (30-1hr) and move past it with communication

  45. If all your words will be used against you, often after being warped or misinterpreted, you’re only feeding the fire.

  46. A couples counselor told me never to discuss controversial issues when emotions are high. Let things calm down then set a timer on how long you’re gonna talk about said issue.

  47. These comments aren’t silent treatment. Taking time to cook off and collect your thoughts isn’t silent treatment. Silent treatment is when you refuse to talk and just ignore your spouse for a long period of time. You’ve argued and somewhat moved on although it may not be settled. Now you’re not talking to her for days. She asks who’s bringing junior to soccer and you’re silent, she asks where the keys are and you ignore her. She says goodnight and you just roll over and say nothing. You don’t answer any texts the next day. At dinner you pointedly ignore her. It’s an active passive aggressive stance.

  48. Because there’s a point in every argument were no matter what you say you’re just going to make it worse

  49. I don’t intend to “punish” her or whatever. I know I’m not in a mindset that’s conducive to solving whatever argument we had. I need some time to get back to normal and am doing my best to act normal and not further escalate the situation.

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