Is what I want unreasonable?

38 comments

1. Wanting someone to choose you over prior children is unrealistic and IMO selfish.

   Your final paragraph also seems you are in a way treating a relationship like a business arrangement. When would you expect to combine finances?

2. I got exhausted reading this. Not saying that to be mean, but expecting to be the #1 person in someone’s life and basically edge out everyone else is asking a lot.

   It’s normal for a partner to be there for the other. But your level of anxiety regarding competing for attention is going to wear on any normal, secure attachment person.

3. Seems like a lot of words to say dependable, financially stable and no kids. Which is…fine? Just don’t start measuring real life men against an idealized man you pondered on.

   They’re going to have their own laundry list of wants too.

4. First- there are a lot of red flags here. Someone’s kids will always come first so you should probably not date anyone with kids.

   Second- your #1 should be you and their #1 should be themselves. Your relationship with yourself is the only one you will ever have, so that always comes first.

   Third- healthy, well adjusted people don’t prioritize their partnerships over their other relationships. I’ve had my friends for 25 years. I’m sure as fuck not putting them on the backburner for a partner. Nor would an emotionally healthy person require that.

   Fourth- there’s no reason to become fully financially entagled. Two people having separate finances and a joint account for shared expenses and investments is fine, but financial independence is good. Remember that MOST relationships don’t work out, so it’s good to have an exit strategy.

   Fifth- Therapy. I hope you’re already in it for your mental health issues, but you clearly have boundary and codependency issues as well.

   Sixth- it sounds like you want your partner to be your therapist, emotional support animal, and just all around tolerate and coddle your mental illness. This is a big ask and you really need to sort that out yourself.

5. Yeah. Most men will find this clingy and unattractive. Do you want to have kids?

6. I would just say you’re not willing to date someone with kids.

   Because saying you expect a father to prioritize you over their children is really unattractive.

7. Man. There’s just so much here. Your post reads like you want the world to revolve around you. This type of relationship sounds very unhealthy and insanely codependent.

   Any man who would try to edge out family and friends and would expect me to drop everyone at a moments notice when he decides he needs me would have been shown the door immediately.

   I think you should really consider widening your support system and working on your codependency issues before dating.

8. You have a line in your post that kinda lands the wrong way, about not being willing to tolerate certain baggage, because you have no such baggage yourself.

   It implies you want someone to tolerate certain things about YOU, but that it’s not a two-way street (and you’re only going to be accepting of someone’s imperfections if they’re exactly the same as yours).

   Maybe give some thought to what kind of imperfections you ARE willing to deal with in a partner? That might be another strategy to help you self-assess how realistic your expectations are. 🤷‍♀️

9. Some of this is too much in general, some is too much right away, some is valid.

   I’d generally like to find that same thing, a teammate to share my life with. But as I’m someone with a healthy social life already, a woman has to work her way up to being my number one priority. And if she sees my friends as “competition” thats kind of going to get old really fast. Just because you want me there, doesn’t mean you will always take precedence over anyone right away.

   I think though you need to just say you don’t want someone with kids. Because any decent parent is going to prioritize their child over you. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone without kids, but to act like you are ok with kids… as long as you are their main priority comes off REALLY bad.

10. this is not good. I got anxiety reading this

11. Yes , what you are asking for is unreasonable.

    Simply put, you want someone whose number #1 priority should be you. You do say otherwise, but the way you have worded what you want will mean that the other person will have very less liberty for their individual preference.

    You haven’t even mentioned what you bring to the relationship, what are your emotional baggages. Most men would not want to be just an emotional pillow for the women to cry on.

12. >Of course, I’d like to have friends outside of him just as he should have friends outside of me but I don’t want to compete for attention. I need to know that he will be there for me when I need him. I suffer from some mental illnesses which makes me want to really lean on him for support. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to handle myself and my illnesses but I need a support buddy.

    >I don’t want someone who is going to prioritize his kids over me. Ever. In fact, no kids is ideal for me because I noticed myself becoming jealous of my ex partner’s kids. I don’t like to share that spotlight and I especially don’t like to share our finances with his ex family. Ex wife/baby momma and kids. That’s not baggage I want to deal with because I come with no such baggage.

    It’s your right to not date single parents (I don’t either), but you sound entitled and hypocritical. You may not bring in baggage in the form of children and co-parents/ex spouses, but you have baggage in other forms, namely your mental illness and the fact that you have essentially no support system, which you are expecting your significant other to fullfil. That is an enormous burden to place on someone else.

    >Financially, I want someone who wants to come together to pool our money together to reach out goals cohesively. I don’t like dealing with people that have fucked up credit and mounds of debt. I’ve worked hard to be successful and I lose respect for those who are ok with late fees and pings on their credit score.

    This really sounds arrogant and judgmental. Like congrats on your excellent credit score, and good for you that you managed to avoid late fees. But some people fall on hard times due to circumstances out of their control, like maybe getting laid off, or having to battle a huge medical bill, draining their finances. Why would you think they were lazy instead? Honestly, you sound overwhelming. I hope you are in therapy.

13. These feel like very basic requests, dressed up with a little dramatic flare.

    Only one that’s a little eyebrow raising is the kids thing. Just don’t date someone with kids and you’ll find yourself in the majority of people.

14. Financially stable, no kids, and is able and willing be a main source of emotional support.

    I think this only sounds like a lot because we are seeing a lot of demands that are you-focused. What YOU want, what he must be for YOU. Like he’s a utility and not a whole person that you want to spend your life with.

    Having standards / parameters is not a problem. People should have more tbh. What’s a problem in this post is that you are describing an ideal partner in terms of services to be provided to you.

15. I think it’s okay to have high standards for yourself and your relationship, but I also think the perfect person probably doesn’t exist. At some point you find someone that checks most of your boxes and deal with the rest 🤷‍♀️

16. This is a lot of words to just say “I’m codependent and I don’t really want to get better.”

    If you want a healthy relationship then yea, this is unreasonable.

17. No offense but this definitely feels like someone who got out of a marriage and thinks they can control everything in the next relationship. It’s certainly OK to want things but the longer your list is, the less likely you are to find anybody. And let’s all be honest, in our mid-30s we bring our own issues so it’s not like we are offering something perfect. It’s not easy out there so maybe just find a good person without the checklist

18. Even if you meet someone who fills all your criteria, it is possible they won’t ALWAYS fill it. For example, you can meet someone who checks off all the financial things you want, who then loses his great job because of something completely out of his control and now things change.

    The being the number one thing issue is a bit too general to advise if it is realistic or not. Is this a “drop everything completely at a drop of the hat because I had a bad day” type demand? Or more of “makes decisions with me in mind and does things that make me feel loved and valued” type of thing? As if it is the first- then you cannot get that AND the great financial stability you want in the same person. Constantly dropping work to rush home because your SO is upset tends to lead to the loss of the job or at least failure to move up. The second type is pretty common in healthy relationships especially ones that are child free.

    It does seem like you are focusing more on “don’t want to go through what I did with my ex again” rather than “traits I need in my partner” as you do not ever mention anything that is an actual personality trait like being kind, understanding, or intelligent. The only things you list is making you his priority and being financially secure. That could include a lot of people you likely wouldn’t want to actually date as someone who is abusive can easily fit your qualifications.

    I suggest you start first trying to find some more real friends in your life. Take more time post divorce to sort out what you think a healthy relationship would look like and what actually PERSONALITY traits you need from someone. Bounce your thoughts off the friends and therapist. They might give you extra insight that you might not see yourself.

19. Yikes. You were fine up until the point where you think it is reasonable for a father to prioritise you over his kids. The debt stuff is fine, you shouldn’t have to shoulder the burdens of a financial irresponsible partner. Just don’t expect or desire them to neglect their children for you. That’s super weird.

20. In the kindest way I don’t think you are ready to date yet. It seems like you have a lot to still work on yourself.

21. You just shouldn’t date at all. Your issues are going to take a long time to work threw and if you ever do at that. Everything you said is controlling if the tables were turned and you were a male you would be the bad guy in every movie, the perfect husband who overtime separates her from friends and family, takes the money and beat her. That is the image i got from reading your post.

    I (29m) also agree i won’t date a women with kids, but mine is that from what i have seen single mothers don’t want to go on dates. I have offered to pay for baby sitters, i have offered to do kid friendly dates, i have offered to be flexible and they just have endless excuses. I never expect to come before the kids but i do expect to be imporant also.

22. If I were a man id stay away from women like you period

23. I think you’re setting up a lot of unreasonable expectations for your future partner and discounting their autonomy, preferences or goals which comes off somewhere between selfish and codependent. I have talked to men with partners that had the same demands and the men are MISERABLE. They have to sit and watch what she wants to watch, aren’t allowed to see their friends, can’t go do things they want to do if she doesn’t want to do them and all of them low key trash talk their partner behind her back.

    Once I ran into one of the guys at the grocery store and I was … not sober … and didn’t realize he had this panic look on his face because his girlfriend would have absolutely tore him a new one if she saw us talking not knowing he was just a coworker. Found out recently they broke up during the pandemic.

    Edit: on my end I’ve dated the male version of this just once but in those gender flip situations the word used for this is “he is abusive”.

24. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Everyone has preferences.

    Saying that, if you’re leaning on him, you should also be allowing him to lean on you.

25. Sorry to say but you do seem unreasonable and unwilling to allow a partner to be their own person. Recipe for disaster and I felt suffocated just reading it.

26. When you stated you want someone to put you 1st over their kids and you’re the jealous type. That’s a hard pass.

27. To have a healthy relationship, your partner can’t be your “support buddy” through your mental health struggles.

    Speaking as someone with CPTSD, psychosis, depression, and GAD, as well as 10+ years of treatment, therapy, and a few hospitalizations sprinkled in there: CARETAKING BREEDS RESENTMENT

    You need to be able to get yourself together. Your partner can be there to support your journey and encourage you, be there to help during times of duress but ultimately you’re the one who has to do the majority of the work there or they will eventually get burnt out.

    For all you’re asking, what are you doing to handle your mental health? Are you taking medication, do you have a doctor or psychiatrist, therapy, etc?

    As well, like others, just say you don’t date people with kids 🤷 and when you meet people you can find out their financial situation through conversation.

28. >I lose respect for those who are ok with late fees and pings on their credit score. Repos, bankruptcies, and evictions are not something I want to deal with or overcome because it shouldn’t be my problem to fix someone’s financial state.

    This comes off a bit privileged and judgemental. Not everyone’s debt is careless consumer spending. Medical bills and family care are two big unexpected and unsolicited expenses that come to mind.

    So maybe don’t put that on your profile.

29. Tbh, OP, it sounds like you need therapy, not a boyfriend.

    Expecting anyone to put you as number one in their lives and vice-versa is not healthy.

    Being jealous of children is not healthy or normal.

30. I’m sorry but your only option is child free partners. If anyone, ANYONE told me they were more important than my kid, you’d find yourself on the doorstep before you finished the sentence.

31. I laughed pretty hard when you said “that’s not baggage I want to deal with because I come with no such baggage” – it might not be the exact same baggage, but as someone with my own mental health issues, you sound like you got plenty of your own, and frankly you sound needy.

32. Yikes, this whole post made me cringe.

33. >I don’t want someone who is going to prioritize his kids over me. Ever.

    Gross

34. It’s a little unreasonable but moreso just a little detached from reality, which is the bigger issue for me. You mention basically wanting an emotional support human and in the same breath say you don’t want to deal with the other persons baggage…you seem to be coming in with a whole lot of baggage yourself and the lack of self awareness about it is a bit jarring

35. Please don’t date someone with kids. They don’t become his “ex family” just because the relationship ends with the mom. Hopefully that was just worded wrong….

36. There are plently of men who would prioritize you over their kids, especially if you are attractive. My Father was one of them. The only problem is that they are likely to be as self centered as you are. I would strongly advise seeing a therapist, if you are not already doing so.

37. Yikes! You got some issues that you definitely need to work out before dating anyone.

    First off jealousy is one of the most toxic emotions. There is absolutely no positive affect or benefit to having jealous feelings. Shows me that you’re just going to cause problems whenever you don’t get your way.

    You basically describe wanting to be fully codependent but only when it benefits you. Having a joint account/s and working together towards some goals is great. You can claim that you have a preference for someone that also worked hard to maintain their finances. that’s understandable but you make it sound like you want to quick double your bank account as if you’re going find someone that’s great financially but is 100% agreeable to you. You know for a fact, that you didn’t get to where you are now by being agreeable all the time. You had to make some selfish decisions, as you should but don’t expect to find someone at the same financial level or higher to not make some selfish decisions. You’re not always going to benefit. Codependency is a two way street. Something beneficial to one can be more of a burden to the other.

    You’re allowed to have whatever standard or preference you want but don’t get impatient bc you may never find that person. Especially saying you know you have a mental illnesses. You want a full support system to spring out of nowhere, all in one person. The help you need is not romantic. You need to spread out your support so all it doesn’t fall on the one person that also has their own issues.

38. I just see a mountain of red flags as a guy.

    1. Making them the #1 and demanding it in return. Your life shouldn’t revolve around your relationship partner. They should complement and enhance your life but shouldn’t be the focus of it.

    2. Demanding they have friends but also claiming you don’t want to compete for attention. I can already sense that this means the guy will see his friends on your terms. Not interested.

    3. You claim to be successful, if that is the case why should you have to pool money to reach your goals? If you are both successful individually, I see no reason for this to be necessary, unless your goals require his finances to be achievable. Also, who the guy shares his money with is really none of your business.

    4. You literally say you have mental issues. Major red flag here. Not so much that you have them, but that you are expecting him to accommodate them instead of you working to manage them to allow for a normal life.