Today I (28F) had a conversation with my best friend (28 F) I always feared would come but never actually thought we’d get there this fast. I have abandonment issues from many failed friendships with people I truly loved that just crumbled for whatever reason. I can’t help but think it is all my fault each time since all my closest friends have eventually thrown in the towel. It causes me to have a hard time letting go of micro aggressions, jokes, and my friends being close to each other. I’m working on that a lot lately, but it is hard.
This spring I got married after a very tumultuous engagement I stupidly involved my friend in more than I should’ve and it causes her extreme stress to deal with discussing my relationship with my husband. She has been my confidant for so many years and she tells me that she’s had enough. I find commiserating to be very cathartic, but for her it is agonizing and I didn’t know that until recently she is deeply involved in my well being in a way that has put immense strain on our friendship. I feel like I’ve caused her to hate my husband by sharing every grievance while I didn’t have a therapist to talk to about it. We’ve agreed to not talk shop about our partners anymore moving forward. It’s a bad habit I’m trying to break.
She’s extremely opinionated, I think she is very dedicated to those opinions. I am weak willed, and shamefully, I can never bring myself to make the hard decisions, and always take the easy way. I think i disappoint her greatly for marrying someone she doesn’t think is right for me. I’m not always sure if he is either, but I want to make things work. I’ve made progress with my husband but the damage is done to her.
Now it seems she and I argue more than me and my husband do and we’re both tired. I don’t have siblings, she is like my sister, but with that comes all the things that come with a sister (teasing, tough love, brutal honesty) and I think I’m fatigued that I can’t just have a normal friendship anymore. I’ve dug myself into a hole by bringing her down with my negative thoughts and depression over not knowing what I should do with my life. I feel like a child and a coward, and it sickens me.
We agreed to spend a bit of time apart to rekindle friendships we’ve been neglecting in our codependency. We agree we don’t want to lose each other but I’m just not sure how to maintain a friendship where so much damage has been done and so many rules of boundaries are in place. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and have no clue what I’m doing half the time and my defeatist attitude has gotten the better of me, and in turn her. Am I doing right by our friendship to take a breather and recenter? How long should that be and what kind of contact should I aim to maintain to give each other space without seeming like I’m done with her?
Tl;dr my best friend has told me that she fears our friendship is ending due to the current state of our relationship. Neither of us truly want that and I am hoping for advice on how to give someone distance without it seeming like I’ve checked out.