So my(21f) boyfriend (23m) is my dom
i like most of the things he does as my dom but some of these things irk me and are things i’d prefer to be equal about but when I bring it up he just says “because i’m the dom”.
For example, my boyfriend has my location which never bothered me and actually makes me feel safer because i go out with my friends frequently, but if he leaves and i ask where he goes he’ll say out, and i’ve asked him why i can’t have his location if he has mine and he’ll say “because i’m the dom and i’d like to know where you are” but he says he hardly checks it because i always say where i am and at times like this i get insecure when he is out and we get into fights about it which leads me to turning my location off. Then when we start doing better again i eventually turn it back on or he’ll ask me to, but it’s starting to feel like he’s making me feel this way to intentionally make me feel insecure.
I guess the only other thing would be that occasionally he asks to look like through my phone and I let him, but if I ever asked to look through his he’d say no or take it from me while I’m looking and makes me feel like i’m insecure for feeling like something is up, and then we fight and he makes me feel like i’m explosive.
i’m feeling like he is trying to make me get to a point where i feel like he’s the only person who can deal with how “reactive” i am
25 comments
He’s not a dom, he is a dumbass pretending to be a dom in order to control you and likely cheat on you.
Welcome to coercive control, on your left you’ll see ……
THE FUCKING EXIT RUN BITCH!!!!
Need to be rules…. Or the sub/dom thing is off the table.
You’re location is one, and so is his. – that’s a rule
Also he IS manipulative – I can tell that just by your post.
So here’s the thing…. Your sexual relationship is getting in the way, and is in fact now defining, your romantic relationship.
He also sounds controlling, possessive, and manipulative. Whatever sexual preferences you two have in the bedroom shouldn’t be the standard everywhere else. Relationships are built on trust, transparency, and mutual respect. If he’s not able to understand that line, or respect what you need in the relationship, you need to get out of it. He’s already more than happy to make everything your fault. And it seems like he prefers you feel down on yourself. This isn’t someone I’d trust with anything, let alone a dom/sub dynamic.
If I were you I’d strongly consider leaving this arrangement.
Hey
First of all i’m a fellow sub and showed this to my Dom.
He says that the way your Dom is behaving is different from the Doms he knows. And his behavior is also very different.
Our Dom/sub dynamic is bedroom only and otherwise we are equals.
My husband/Dom and i have each others location and always know where the other goes. When we call the other has to pick up or in 15 minutes send a text why they can’t talk.
His advise is as follows:
You should let your Dom know this behavior is a red Light for you and that the both of you need to go sit around the table and discus things again. You should make a list of all your problem area’s and discus them in the traffic light system to prevent miscommunication.
For me your story throws up red flags and a slight pannic attack because my former Dom abussed me under the guise of a Dom/sub relationship.
If i were you i would walk away. It looks like a form of control abuse to me.
If you ever need to talk i’m here for you.
If you want it a big virtual hug from me.
Sorry from grammar errors i’m not a native speaker of english.
So often it seems like younger people fall into these “dom/sub” relationships for the wrong reasons; aka the “dom” is actually controlling and without respect for others , and the “sub” is insecure and without respect for herself. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t a good relationship. This isn’t him being a good dom. He doesn’t respect you as an individual.
Trust your instincts. He is manipulating and misusing his role as Dom to get what he wants and suit his needs.
You are still both human beings with basic needs, wants, and desires. Any successful relationship needs to be built up with mutual respect, honesty, trust, and communication. These are extra important in a D/s dynamic relationship. These elements are the very basis of the D/s dynamics.
If you are unable to respect, trust, communicate, and be totally honest with each other, then you need to question the entirety of the relationship and not just the D/s elements.
Turn off the software that lets him track you. Tell him that his days as the dom are over and you are now the dom.
The difference between a kink and an abusive relation is respect and boundaries. If you can’t set boundaries because he doesn’t respect you its an abusive relationship.
I would recommend cross posting or checking in over at r/BDSMAdvice if you want more voices from a kink setting.
But the general summary of my advice is: if telling him no isn’t an option for you, you cannot truly consent to anything he’s doing.
He isn’t dom, he is an controlling asshole that hide being that dynamic too look like he isn’t an asshole
Some ppl watched 50 shades of grey and took it to heart, like a real educational piece.
Your bf is manipulating you.
Fake dom. There’s a power play in this kind of dynamic and it allows the sub to give up control as she wishes while her dom makes her feel safe and supported in that role, which is clearly not happening. You don’t get to be in a relationship and say, he’s my dom and she’s my sub right off the bat and suddenly you’re the only one who has to follow rules (unless that’s the dynamic that’s been discussed and agreed upon before hand) It’s about respect and boundaries on both ends and he is clearly not giving you any. You both need to sit down and decide your rules and boundaries that you both agree on.
I have been a Dom all my adult life, so I get the notion of power and control. But consent is active. It is constant. It can be revoked. If you have aspects of the life that work for both of you, great. But if there are aspects that make you question your relationship and value as “his” then those need to be examined. Tell him how you feel and let him know that “I’m the dom” are not sufficient and no longer acceptable to you. If he can’t talk about it and work with you to resolution, then the dynamic must dissolve. Not because you aren’t good enough as a submissive, but because he has not dominated himself and cannot safely dominate another.
>some of these things irk me and are things i’d prefer to be equal about but when I bring it up he just says “because i’m the dom”.
This right here is enough said. Your partner is an abuser using your insecurities and lack of information to fly under the radar. Doms do not get everything they want “because i’m the dom”, and they sure as hell do not get to cross or belittle your boundaries.
You mention that you are reactive. While that can pose problems and is something only you can work on, it does NOT diminish your worth, nor does it give your partner the right to be an asshole.
I think you should look into /r/BDSMadvice because from the sound of it he’s using his “Dom” title to just do whatever he wants. As a fellow sub, I want to remind you that a Dom only has as much control as we allow, we are allowed to say no, we are allowed to tap out/safeword for any reason whatsoever if we want it to stop. If you’re not happy, it’s his responsibility to adjust to your limitations. Doms are supposed to be a safe place and it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that for you right now.
You’re not in a dom/sub relationship. You’re in a abusive relationship.
Leave. A dom would understand and follow your boundaries. It sounds like hes using this as a way to ‘willingly control you’. This isn’t okay.
In a TRUE dom/sub relationship this actual power is in the hands of the sub. The sub makes the rules, sets the boundaries and the Dom honors those.
Your guy ain’t a dom, hes just controlling.
If you’re in a true Dom/sub relationship, you’d have all the rules spelled out in advance. This sounds like you guys play at Dom/sub, but don’t really know what that truly means. A Dom/sub have a power exchange that is, by design, not the same. If that’s not what you want, don’t be in a Dom/sub relationship. Sounds like he’s another wannabe fake Dom. They are a dime a dozen and think barking orders and getting everything they want on demand is all a Dom is.
that’s not how D/s works! that’s not how anything works!!
i stayed in an abusive relationship for 6 years because i thought he was the only person who could handle my moodiness. turns out he was literally causing my moodiness. i’ve since dated three amazing people, two of them doms, who fuck me up but only in a way that respects my personhood.
get away from this fuckweasel asap
Idk about y’all but if someone doesn’t let me look at their phone, I sure as hell won’t won’t be giving them mine.. Same with location.
Yes this man is as controlling as it gets so run now while you can.
For future purposes, stop letting a man control things like this. If he doesn’t want to reciprocate, do not give in. Have a mind of your own and don’t tolerate crap.
D/s relationships are *negotiated* and *consented* to. If there are parts of your relationship that don’t work for you, you can and should either renegotiate the specifics of your D/s relationship or accept those as deal-breakers and find a new Dom and/or boyfriend. There is no need for one person to be both, necessarily. It’s obvious to me that you’re “Dom” is an amateur and potentially a predator based on what you’ve written. I promise he’s replaceable. The fact is that it’s literally the sub who owns the ultimate power in a D/s relationship. Use it.
In a shocking turn of events a space that attracts “fake” abuse is filled with real abuse.
It’s not a Dom/sub relationship it’s just abuse. It’s an abusive relationship.
That’s not a Dom sub relationship. That’s excessive control and a form of emotional abuse. That control will be applied to the bedroom and not in the fun way, if it hasn’t been already. It will expand to who you can talk to, what you can eat, wear do for fun, etc. I’ve been you and this gets so much worse