My mom for some reason has never liked my girlfriend. And I can tell when she comes over she is quite distant with her. Eventually after about 6 months I asked why she doesn’t like her. And she explained that it’s her personality. She isn’t very bubbly and doesn’t often strike up long or exciting conversations with my mother. She says she has a stuck up attitude that gives off the idea that she’s better than everyone else. I told her that she’s just a bit quiet at first. 2 years have passed and my mother still expresses to me that she does not like her, and that my gf doesn’t even say hi in the morning or throw on a smile for her. Is this an actual reason for my mom to dislike her or is she being dramatic? She has come with us on a vacation and my mother said she saw a side to her that she really liked, mostly because my gf was drunk and more outgoing. Now it’s gone back to the same, my mother is still telling me how boring my gf is and how disrespectful she is by not showing interest in talking to her or smiling around her. Side not: my dad thinks my gf is swell and they have plenty of fun conversations and get along extremely well. I can see what her point is though, my gf doesn’t give off the most bubbly attitude and is usually very stoic and calm, but around me she’s always smiling and happy.
What can I do here?
32 comments
Your mother and your gf have different personalities. In general, this is fine and normal as we aren’t all the same. The issue is that your mom is taking your gf’s normal demeanor as a personal slight against her. I can almost guarantee that your gf knows your mom doesn’t like her. It is pretty easy to clock when your SO’s family doesn’t like you much. This might cause your gf to be even less open or ‘friendly’ with your mom. Why would your gf work hard for the approval of someone who seemingly has no reason to dislike her?
It looks like you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your mom. She needs to be made aware that your gf isn’t the same type of person as she is, and she needs to respect that. Maybe bring dad in on the conversation as well since he seems to have a good relationship with your gf, and he can help bring some perspective to his partner.
You also need to talk to your gf and reassure her that you are on her side and are working to figure out your mother’s issue. Do you and gf live with your parents? That can cause strain even in the happiest and bubbliest of homes. It might be time to look into a place for just you and gf, or you, gf, and some roommates because rents are super high.
Good luck dude, it isn’t easy to be in your position. I have faith in you though.
I’m surprised at the responses here suggesting that your gf needs to change to make your mom happy.
Tell your mom that you won’t listen to any more criticism of your gf, then stick to it. If she starts to do it, change the subject. If she persists, leave the room or pleasantly end the phone call. You can’t change your mom’s feelings, but you don’t have to engage with her about them.
Your Mum sounds jealous and immature.
Odds are your gf picks up your mom’s vibes toward her – and because of it doesn’t really connect with your mom. I wouldn’t be very interested or invested in talking to or smiling around someone who actively doesn’t like me, either.
This relationship is doomed to failure if you don’t put your foot down with your mom. I’m honestly shocked at the people saying you gf needs to be bubbly and smile more. She just has a different personality trait.
My husband is the bubbly one who talks a lot in our relationship. I’m extremely quiet and introverted. I don’t personally enjoy talking for extended periods and smiling isn’t something I do without strong emotion or effort. I suffer from what people refer to as “resting b***h face. It just is what it is. I’m not unfriendly. I just am no overly friendly like an extrovert would be. I can come off as apathetic in my speech a lot, but that’s just me. It takes too much energy for me to act excited and bubbly when I’m not. My husband knows this and while his family is like him, they accepted me as I am. His parents love me and they know that’s just my personality.
Your girlfriend just isn’t that type. There is nothing wrong with that difference. The problem is your mom is taking her personality as a slight against her. If this continues, your girlfriend may decide she can’t take being told her personality is offensive long term. I can guarantee that the reason she is more friendly to your father than your mother is because your father treats her kindly and accepts her as she is. Your mom is likely strongly giving off vibes that she doesn’t like your girlfriend and she is picking up on that. I wouldn’t be friendly with with someone who found my lack of bubbliness to be a personality flaw.
If your girlfriend gets along great with your dad, then I would guess she senses your moms dislike for her.
Is your gf meant to entertain your mom? Does your gf know your mom dislikes her?
In any case this is something parents have always done, decided quietness can only be explained by someone thinking they’re better than everyone else, rather than the obvious answer that she intimidates your girlfriend and is obvious about her dislike.
You girlfriend is just 20 and shy and your mom is probably jealous she’s losing you.
Your mom is allowed to not mesh with your girlfriend due to different personalities. As long as she doesn’t exclude her, be rude to her, or be even a hint of unwelcoming to her. Maybe tell her to dial back the complaining though and make sure she never says any of that to your girlfriend.
Your mom needs to get over herself. No, your gf doesn’t need to change her personality to make your mom like her (if that would even happen), and her “reasonings” are not valid enough to not at the very least coexist peacefully (meaning, not shit talk her to your face) with each other.
I would tell your mom that she needs to keep her negative opinions of your gf to herself, unless she had a REAL cause for concern, or your relationship with her will start to suffer.
Your girlfriend picked up on it. If she’s not naturally bubbly and smily, asking her to be more like that won’t work. It can’t last cause it’s gonna be fake. You should ask your mom to stop sucking the energy out of the air when she’s around your gf and it’ll get better. You said she gets along well with you dad, so the issue lays with your mom.
Can’t like everyone
Does your mom have any other reasons to dislike her except “boring personality”? Like actual reasons that have to do with concern about your happiness or future? My mom sounds a bit similar to yours in that she’s judgemental of things that don’t align with how she acts or thinks. She also hated my ex and would complain about him not smiling or the way he spoke to her. However, she also disliked him for other reasons and once the honeymoon phase ended and I was able to see things more clearly, I realized she was right. But for a long time I fought her on it because that kind of judgemental attitude doesn’t sit right with me and I dismissed everything she was saying because of it.
If it’s just personality, all you can do is explain that your gf’s actions don’t represent disrespect. Maybe explain other things your gf does that indicate respect and happiness that your mom might not recognize. For example, maybe your gf is sitting quietly at dinner and observing the conversation around her and you know that means she’s feeling comfortable and content, rather than your mom’s interpretation of bored and rude. Explain that to her. But honestly I wouldn’t put too much hope into it. In my experience, it’s hard to change that kind of mindset. You might just have to put up with it/spend more time outside the house until you can move out.
Sounds like you have a mother problem.
Your gf picks up on your mothers dislike of her. It is difficult to be smiley and bubbly around someone you know doesn’t like you. She shouldn’t have to tailor her personality for your mother and faking it would come off as fake and forced anyways. And since her bubbly side comes out around other people she’s comfortable with it’s clearly your mother who is creating the problem. Your gf isn’t there for your mother’s entertainment.
Your mother is unkind. No, it is not valid to be cruel and unkind to someone because they’re introverted. Your girlfriend hasn’t been rude or badly behaved. Your mother is wrong to do this.
Your mother wants someone to chit-chat. Your gf is quiet and probably introverted. They are not compatible.
May I suggest the conversation of your mother is not up to the level or in the interests of your gf ?
It’s no wonder your gf doesn’t feel safe letting her guard down around her unless inebriated.
So your GF is a introvert and your mother a extrovert that think everyone must say hi and show smile everyday.
Your mom and your gf are two random people thrown together. Odds are they won’t be a fan of each other. 🤷♀️Just be glad your dad likes her.
You cannot worry about what your mother thinks first of all. She’s your girlfriend. If she makes you happy that’s all that matters. Your mother does not have a say in who you date get that clear. Whoever you marry she will come first, not your mother. So get that through your head. It doesn’t really matter if your mother likes your girlfriend or not it only matters how you feel about your girlfriend and the relationship. If you to make the next step and get married your mother’s just going to have to suck it up. She probably won’t like any woman you date because she’ll look at her as taking her place which is Warped. So stop worrying about what your mom thinks cuz her opinion really does not matter.
Your mother isnt dating her, her opinion isn’t the one that matters
My mom did a similar thing to my ex gf. Eventually she caught on and put a ton of stress on our relationship. Tell your mom to get over herself and be nice. You can’t accept that.
Different personalities, of course, is a reason not to like someone. This is the strangest question.
You really don’t understand how two different personalities might not get along? It’s just odd. Nothing you’ve mentioned here makes it seem like mom has done anything dramatic.
I was in a similar situation as your girlfriend, I was with this guy for 5 years and his mom did NOT like me at all. I would try to make conversation with her but she was so short and dismissive that I gave up on her after about a year. My ex didnt do anything about it, he just insisted his mom was “shy with new people”.. after we broke up I was so relieved I’d never have to deal with her again.
So my point is, I’m sure your gf can tell and she has probably given up on trying to get this woman to like her. I would suggest asking your mom to be friendlier.
I dislike people who think you have to pit on a smile and be very upbeat when speaking to them. It’s not natural unless you’re usually a very bubbly person. Your girlfriend is probably sick of having to change her personality around your mom
My dad copped an attitude with my bf, and I immediately said, “come on, let’s leave.” Mom told Dad he’d really screwed the pooch. Something like, “that is the one she loves, she has chosen him. You’ll be lucky if she ever comes over here again. But that’s OK, I’ll go visit them at their place.” As soon as bf and I got home, the phone was already ringing. It was my dad calling to apologize. We got married, and my dad and bf became bffs.
My friend is going thru this same thing with his son’s fiancé who he doesn’t like for the same reasons you describe. Now he and his son are now not speaking because he won’t leave his fiancé, and my friend is making demands his son can’t abide.
I think your mom is in the wrong and you need to lay down your boundaries. It would be sad for you to lose either one of them.
Tell your mom to get over it. If she wants a better relationship then she needs to drop her attitude towards your gf. Your gf is an introvert and there is nothing wrong with that and I bet she can sense that your mother is not a safe person to open up to so she doesn’t. This is a mom issue not a gf issue.
Your mom sounds kind of exhausting.
Some mothers love being a boy mum and actually see gfs as someone who is taking their baby away from them.
They’ll actively look for flaws, or will claim that the gf/wife isn’t being respectful because of xy and z. It let’s them carry on being nasty to the gf, seem like they’re just misunderstood and innocent to their sons and the son doesn’t typically realise/care what’s happening.
So whilst it could be a personality thing, the disrespect comments make me assume there’s more to this and your mother doesn’t like your gf because she sees her as competition for your attention and affection.
It’s a weird emotional incest thing that some mothers have with their sons.
Look into it, read up on it and then try and see if this is what’s happening. It might be harder to spot if she’s hiding it from you, you could speak to your gf and ask if your mum has ever said or done anything else to her which you might not be aware of?
So I see two sides to this, I would personally have issues if my partner didn’t interact with my family, by no means do I want him to overextend himself or emotionally exhaust himself but acknowledging my parents siblings and nieces and nephews are bare minimum. Granted he’s very bubbly so it’s easy but that social piece is very important to me and I know the respect piece is something my parents value.
That being said there comes a point where you also have to decide if you’re going to stand up to your parents and respect your partner and who they are as a person, or if you’re going to allow your parents to continue to talk down about your partner in your presence. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong for your mom to wanna be acknowledged but her approach is wild.
It really comes down to YOUR values in terms of family. Are you someone who wants your family around for the milestone things or are you someone that’s going to go no contact? I know that those are two very extreme ends but in these situations with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law it usually is the case
Your mother is projecting massively, assuming that every naturally is capable or wanting to express being kind or personable the sane way as her. It’s cruel and mean and not how people bond. As long as your mother expects your girlfriend to act like someone she isn’t they won’t get along. If she could grow up a little and put the work in and realise a smile means nothing as it can be as easily faked as it can be earnest, she’d probably find your girlfriend is a normal lovely person.
She’s being unreasonable and unfair. She doesn’t have to like your girlfriend or have the same personality, but she cannot view these differences as personal or aggressive when there is no reason to think this.
Tbh you need to talk to your mom about her disrespectful behavior. Why would your girlfriend open up to someone that she knows doesn’t like her and talks shit about her? I’m quiet until I get to know someone and I would not want to get to know your mom at all. All of the people that are suggesting that your gf needs to smile and shit are forgetting that she’s a lot more open around your dad because he actually makes an effort to let her be herself and welcomes her. Your mom sounds overbearing and like she doesn’t respect boundaries.
She probably doesn’t talk to her because she acts like this