My boyfriend and I have been together for just past 2 years. We have a shared apartment for the past 4 months and both if us are working full time jobs.
So, my boyfriend and I have the standard deal of if I make dinner, he cleans up. However, he fell behind on the dishes every single time. Any time I see him doing dishes he is scrolling on an app watching videos. I have mentioned to him about how it would take him a lot less time to complete a task if he were to not be on his phone. He says he knows but proceeds to keep watching them.
The other day I had gotten home from work, cleaned the bathroom and made dinner for us. When I finally sat down to relax he approached me and requested help with the dishes. He said “would I be able to get a hand with dishes, the sink is full and I’m having a Mental block about getting them done.” I replied with yeah sure I guess and got up to help him.. I watched him for 2 mins here and was going to help by drying, but after watching him wash a plate with one of those extended brush scrubbies because it “keeps his hands dry, so [he] doesn’t need to dry them every 5 seconds” so that he can scroll.
I got the whole sink full of dishes done in 20 mins and went back to sit down and he asked me what he is doing that has annoyed me since we moved in together. I told him “mostly the dishes because you haven’t been able to get the sink empty by yourself after saying you would on numerous occasions.” He apologized and said he would dust, vacuum and mop the apartment the next day. I had an event to attend and he kept asking where stuff was to do it. I tell him despite all cleaning supplies being in a bin in plain sight. He then proceeds to send me a photo of the living room all cleaned and tidied. I said that it looks good.
The next day when I’m on my way home from work he calls me and tells me the living room is all he did. I get home and take a look around and he was telling the truth and that was all he did, I checked the dusting and noticed he either did a very bad job at it or didn’t do it at all. The floors also still had dirt and such on them so he had done a poor job at that too. Also, when approaching the door I noticed our compost bin had been knocked over so I had to stop to pick up the stuff the fell out. He later called and asked if I had seen that the bin was knocked over and I said “so you saw the bin was knocked over and you left it for me to deal with??” And he said “yeah.”
He also doesn’t know how to cook, so whenever I cook I ask him to “help me” mostly so he can stand and watch to see what I’m doing and learn, which I have explained to him. However pretty much every single time, 5 mins in he asks if he’s needed and if he can just go sit down. The days where I’m not hungry/ have eaten something small for dinner, he wont even cook for himself, he just snacks on other things around the apartment. So I’m at the point I don’t think he even wants to learn…
TL;DR~ my boyfriend neglects household chores despite agreeing to do them and gets me to help with his because “that’s what partners do.” This had been frustrating I have voiced all these issues to him on numerous occasions
28 comments
I can completely understand having attention issues while cleaning- it’s usually why I play a LONG video or podcast while I clean.
However- this is just laziness. It seems you both have two very different styles of cleanliness and I’ve seen plenty of relationships crumble because of this. Either he picks up the slack, or you have a hard talk with him. You are not his mother and he needs to learn some basic hard cleaning skills at bare minimum if he’s unwilling to learn to cook.
This is textbook weaponized incompetence. He doesn’t like doing chores, so he avoids doing them and does them poorly. He expects you to do them. That’s lazy and manipulative.
Personally, I would have a firm chat with him. You both live there and contribute 50/50 to the mess. Therefore, you both contribute 50/50 to the clean up. Make a chore chart and it’s on him to get his chores done on time and properly. You will not stay in this relationship if he expects you to do all the chores. That’s exploiting you.
Working and doing all the housework for two is hard. If you plan on having kids, it’s impossible. Partners who help each other is – you do the dishes because he has a big deadline, or is hurt. It’s not doing dishes so he can screw around on his phone. He is a big boy, he can figure out how to listen to a podcast while doing dishes.
Look up the term “weaponized incompetence”.
> I have voiced all these issues to him on numerous occasions
And he doesn’t care. It’s not that he doesn’t understand your point of view, he understands perfectly. He just doesn’t care and is quite happy to sit on his butt and let you do all the work.
Now that you’re living with him, you’re seeing the real him, a lazy and inconsiderate person. He actually ignored compost on the floor.
God forbid you have kids with this guy. He won’t lift a finger. I’d throw this one back in the pond and look for a better guy who doesn’t need a mommy to take care of his every need.
You moved in way too fast and now you have to deal with his flaws. Stop doing what you are doing, clean your stuff and he has to handle the rest. He knows exactly what he is doing and if not, he will learn.
How many times has he been fired for incompetence at work? Let go because he had a mental block about how to complete his work tasks? Became a resource hog who constantly has to ask coworkers for help?
Also, is his arrest record relatively long? I imagine he gets picked up for shoplifting a lot because he probably gets a mental block forgetting how to pay, same with driving, I bet ticket after ticket huh? Has he asked the cops to show him how to drive, ya know help him out since he doesn’t know how?
Or is he only incompetent at home with chores?
You’re not his girlfriend.
You’re not even his room mate.
You’re his *house maid*.
And thats NOT going to change, no matter how much he promises.
You literally should NOT be asking for “help” with chores. He lives there too, so automatically the chores are as much his responsibility as they are yours.
The question is, do you wanna keep being his live-in maid?
Welcome to the rest of your life. But add in kids, stress
This is weaponized incompetence at it’s finest. He pretends to be unable to do it so you pick up the slack. The endgame is him not doing any chores and having you as a free maid.
I assume he lived alone before right? So he *can* do chores and cooking an all. But he chooses not to because it’s easier if you do it. Easier for him.
Time to either call it quits or have a frank talk. Ultimatums got a bad reputation but it’s time for drastic actions. If you want to try and fix it, then sit him down and make a chore list. And make sure that everyone is responsible for their chores to the end, including remembering to do them.
And I highly recommend to not have the deal that one cooks, the other cleans. He’ll leave the kitchen in an abysmal state for you. The cook cleans. Divide the meals. He can’t cook? Tough. Make separate meals. He can pay for his takeout.
I’d also recommend you to look into the Mental Load. Here is a start: [You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/). It’s a great comic that tackles the issue. Make sure he takes over 50% of the mental load. That’s why I recommend him also being responsible for meals. Because it’s not just cooking; it’s planning the meals, knowing what is left in house, and shopping. That’s a huge task, more than the 30min it takes to cook.
He has to radically change his behavior. He doesn’t? Oh well… then you know what to do. Either accept being his maid for the rest of your life or not.
ETA: here is a pdf with a chores list and advice how to tackle it and compare: http://radicalhusbands.com/pdf/Teamwork.pdf
Put a stop to it now. These grown ass toddler men really be out here looking for another mommy to take care of them too many women fall into the trap. They overlook this behavior during the boyfriend and girlfriend stage.
He’s lazy leave him
Sounds like he never intended to help with chores.
That his plan was to do what so many below bare minimum guys do, and just to leave it until you get fed up and do it yourself. Or the plan of playing the weaponised incompetence card (he really couldn’t figure out how to do dishes? Really?)
You have to stop stepping in to clean his mistakes, because that is exactly what he wants. He wants the benefit of a traditional and modern woman, while he does very little to contribute to the relationship.
You will need to talk to him that his laziness and using weaponised incompetence is making you question your relationship with him.
But then he could be better but play the long game until you’re trapped with marriage or a baby, and he’s back to bad lazy habits. So I don’t even know if you should give him a chance to prove himself.
He is just selfish, plenty of people don’t like doing chores but would help out around the house if they were living with someone, is there anything that he will do as a compromise?
So sometimes men feel entitled to women’s labour. This is a really great example of that. Deep down he thinks this stuff is your job, or he’s lazy and manipulative, or he genuinely believes that because he doesn’t want to do the dishes he can make up really pathetic excuses like having a mental block. Look, he’s telling you who he is and how much he can be relied on. If you continue this your resentment will just build and build. You can talk to him and he might improve temporarily but odds are he’ll slip back into expecting you to clean up for him.
He’s 26, not 6. The only “help” he needs is in being told to do it himself.
I’m a guy. I cook all the time, I clean my house once a week and try to do a deep clean every month, I wash my dishes at the end of the day and leave a clean empty sink at the end, and I do my laundry and wash my sheets on a weekly basis. My house is clean because of it. A lot of guys know how to and do the same. Others pretend like they don’t or refuse to learn so they can find a partner to do it for them. Sadly, you got one of the latter which we would refer to as a lemon.
My recommendation, give him one last serious chance and if he doesn’t demonstrate any change in a month, cut your losses and try to find someone better. If you do see changes after a month, extend the period out to six months to make sure he doesn’t revert to old ways after showing some change. If you hit six months, extend it out another six months to make sure the results are consistent. You don’t need to suffer a partner’s laziness or incompetence on basic survival skills.
gosh, you are definitely have more patience than me.
i will grab his phone & dunk it inside the sink together with the dirty dishes.
he’s using weaponised incompetence, you will end up doing all the house chores & taking care a big baby & the children in the future.
keep him if that’s the future you always dream of.
Damn, there was an article about cleaning not being just about the dirty cups in the sink but about respect… can’t find it for the life of me. Anyway, I cleaned (along with car, house and yard maintenanse and every chore imaginable whilst working full time) after a man child and let me tell you I will never, not in a million years even fart in the direction of a man who can not do basic life.
You can’t fix or change someone, people change themselves. Do you think he wants to? Pffft, it’s amaaazing that you do all the work for him that he doesnt want to do.
I can understand you so well. I was with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and we lived together for 4 of them. I’m moving out the week after next. I was more the maid or mother than a partner. It hurts a lot but it’s better this way. My ex rarely did anything around the house and simply overlooked the dirt. We even had an app that tells you when something is due and divides the tasks fairly, but nothing helped.
So you’re his mom. How unattractive.
I struggle with doing dishes too. But I pop in my headphones and set my phone on the windowsill on a long video and get them done.
It’s not going to get any better..trust me. Cut your losses before you get too involved in this one.
It’s not going to get any better..trust me. Cut your losses before you get too involved in this one.
Yeah, this is definitely weaponized incompetence. He is a grown man and he should be able to do basic cleaning and if he does not he should be able to look up a tutorial on his phone by himself. Its totally fine to sometimes be behind on chores or asking your partner for help if you are struggeling at the moment but not to this extent.
I would suggest having a firm chat with him, making a set chore plan on who does which chores, showing him where the supplies are ONCE and the waiting to see if he does his part. Chances are he won’t change because he doesn’t want to and he takes your labour for granted, but you should call him out on his bad behaviour and give him a chance to step up.
Congratulations on your new baby, motherhood is a wonderful experience.
It’s called ‘weaponized incompetence’. Google it.
The constant ‘where is this cleaning product?’ and ‘how do I clean the X?’ and ‘how do you want me to _____?’ is all designed to make it so annoying and irritating to have to constantly ‘direct’ him and answer his million and one questions that it’s easier to just do it yourself. Mission accomplished!!
He’s 27 years old and can’t wash a sink load of dishes. You really want to hook yourself to this guy for life and – gods forbid – have children with him?? I promise you, if you think this is annoying now, just wait 5 years and 2 kids down the road.
Again, he’s *27 years old* and he’s acting like a 10 year old that doesn’t want to do the chores mommy makes him do so he’s looking for any excuse to get out of it and when he can’t, he does a half-assed job. It’s incredibly childish and immature. If you can’t count on him to carry the absolute *basic minimum* of the daily adult life load … well, good luck to you.
Stop having sex with him. Start looking for a new housing situation for yourself and get yourself psyched up to LEAVE HIM.
Do both dinner and dishes. Then he should do the same the next day. Don’t even think to help him on his day. Do other chores together. He’s very unlikely to change though I would start seeing other people if he don’t pull his part.
“Gets me to help him”? What a passive way to state this. You are helping him – this is a choice you are making and it’s a mistake. Trust me, it really is, and you should stop. He actually can’t “get” you to do anything.
If you keep helping him, this will never change. He knows how to do them – he is trying to make you help to establish you as the person whose job it is to actually do them. It’s a trap and as long as you keep helping, you are playing right into this game. Let me rephrase: **this is not a lack of knowledge, he is being manipulative and he is being strategic** and as long as you “help”, you are enabling it.
Tell him to figure it out. If it takes him longer, then it takes him longer. If it’s done poorly, he needs to redo it. But stop helping! Stop answering his questions about it, stop giving him that time and attention. Say ‘google it’, or say ‘figure it out, you are an almost 30 years old man’ or say “this is your job, so you do it, I’m busy with (relaxing, watching a movie) and am not available for this” *then let him figure it out.* Repeat “not available” like a broken record.
He has google, he has youtube, he has a brain.
It’s seriously the only way if you don’t want to just do the chores for him, which is his goal and he is not-so-subtly pushing for it with this little weaponized incompetence act. It’s an ACT. He’s lazy, he is manipulative and he thinks you should be doing the tasks, and he’s trying to make you do them, since “he doing them” is almost as much effort from you, so he hops you just give up and do them for him.