After giving oral to my boyfriend I slowly filled with rage and left the bedroom. He texted why, and I texted “because I’m angry. I’ve been sexually frustrated for months, repeatedly telling you I would like oral too, now I’m losing interest in sex altogether and won’t be doing it until I feel it goes both ways, not just all about your dick”
then he replied back “months? you came the other day”
I admitted “it was with a vibrator, and I lied because you’d gone soft and you always act bored of me when you finish”
He said “what about last week, I went down on you”
I said “that day I was crying my eyes out because I was having suicidal thoughts and then you tried to put it in my butt and never apologized”
He went on about how it’s not his fault I don’t get horny like a normal person. I argued back, I do get horny, with foreplay and feeling loved overall, which lately I do not.
He said I was full of shit and I told him to leave me alone and he said “gladly. next time I’ll take care of myself on my own” instead of any plan to improve my experience.
I understand his angry reaction to my anger but there’s so much he could’ve done between the first time I voiced my desires and today that would’ve prevented this. He could have simply said sorry and that would’ve disarmed me by itself. He never says sorry. He never thinks he’s wrong. It’s always my fault. It’s always me blowing things out of proportion.
I guess this is more relationship advice than sex advice because clearly it goes deeper than just sex.
Where I was wrong: I have discouraged him from engaging with my body because I was worried if I smelled okay, on my period, or unshaven. He notes that I’m the one turning it down and he’d be willing.
But the thing is the last few times I asked for oral, they seemed to be good times, and I was confident about those 3 things above, but he complained “i thought we were watching a movie” (when we always break into bjs during movies so why not now for me?)… another time he only touched me through my panties and stopped…. and another time he asked for 69, came before me, washed up and went to sleep.
I think I feel insecure because he just doesn’t seem to like my pussy, so I worry, so he doesn’t do it, perpetuating the cycle. He also doesn’t ever say he wants to, just makes gestures, and I never know if he’s serious or playing. No foreplay (he thinks oral is foreplay, for me it’s not, it’s what gets me horny before genitals are touched)
The other point of contention is if I have to explicitly ask during sex “can we focus on me?” I’m already feeling like my pleasure isn’t a priority. I assume he just doesn’t want to. And I’m only able to enjoy it if he wants to. Am I being dramatic and overly sensitive? Too high maintenance? Sex is so mental for me, and I’ve told him about this, so many times, and instead of being like “ok” he takes offense and next time we have sex I’m feeling used, unsexy and uncared for again.
What should I do now, should I apologize? Try to do better voicing when I want it and not turn it down when I’m feeling insecure? I don’t want us to have a dead bedroom. But I genuinely don’t feel sex is a positive for me anymore. more often, I’m in tears filled with resentment. What are you guys’ harsh thoughts on this situation? Thanks so much to anyone helping me put the puzzle together
36 comments
Misspoke – your needs are every bit as important as his are.
Seems like you are both really immature – lying , not properly communicating, being cruel in arguments instead of really talking.
It’s no surprise you all have a communication breakdown.
Literally just get a different partner, this situation is broken and miserable and nobody has a gun to your heads obligating you to stay together
How do women even stay with men like this. You should have moved on so long ago. Please leave him. Being alone would be better than being with him
I was with a man like this whom I loved very much. I never got to cum because he assumed a few prior licks meant that’s it, that I should be able to cum every time. I let it go for months and then finally he started getting mad at ME for not finishing. Here I thought I was being selfless and going along w his being bad in bed.
Let me tell you it never changed. There are men out there that are way more sensual and caring and want to make it all about you. I PROMISE. And once you’ve been w these types of men you’ll wonder why tf you stuck it out w one that never listened, didn’t care about your needs, and got defensive every time.
Why are so many women staying with men that don’t view their pleasure as not even just not a priority, but not even a thing they feel they have to bother with at all? However, the minute we say we are not giving anything up until there is more give and take, they start acting cruel, like victims, and absolutely vile. Instead of leaving, I just see people… taking it? Accepting it?
Please don’t accept this. It’s not okay. He doesn’t value you. You aren’t a priority. Your pleasure isn’t something he cares about. Find someone who does. You don’t owe this person anymore of your life.
What’s going to happen is you are going to stop until he tries harder. However, he won’t. He will start cheating and then blame you for the cheating. “I wouldn’t have cheated if you sucked my dick!” If you try to remind him why you stopped you will just be called a manipulative bitch.
I say just get a head of the whole thing. Take out the trash and start prioritizing yourself and then find someone that is an actual partner.
I said “that day I was crying my eyes out because I was having suicidal thoughts and then you tried to put it in my butt and never apologized”
That is a wild sentence.
Your boyfriend sounds like he’s shit in bed, obviously he has no interest in pleasuring you so I’m not sure why you’d even consider staying.
You clearly have other relationships issues as well as some personal ones too.
Distance yourself from him and work on getting yourself into a better headspace. That relationship isn’t helping your mental state
If you know sex is mental for you then you need to find a partner who has strong game in that department. You have to be up front about it. It’s ok to need things but as soon as you settle it’s now the standard. Do less worrying about what he thinks and worry more about how to communicate your boundaries. I will not engage in sex if we don’t have the appropriate type and duration of foreplay. That’s that, set it early and never waiver.
I’d say going your separate ways would be the best course of action
You left the bedroom and he fucking texted you? He didn’t follow you? What the actual fuck?! You need a more compatible partner all the way around.
Ditch him. I once knew a chick that went threw this. She complained and mentioned it continuously to the guy. Still, she allowed it to go on forever. Married the guy. It never changed.
That is until she left and started fucking around on him during the separation to get what she wanted. Even messed with a couple of the guys friends who were aware of the issue and stepped up.
He BEGGED her to come back, and suddenly grew a turbo charged super tongue. They reconciled.
Don’t let this be you.
All of this through a text? You be better off leaving him, and after you recover, start fresh with a new person. Someone you can communicate with open and honestly
Your relationship sounds awful. Time to move on.
Doesn’t sound like a good match for you at all
I experienced this sort of situation w two other long term partners.
If at any point in intimate relationship, you feel like you have to ask them to reciprocate, it’s time to move on.
This is different than communicating what you like.
If this person digs you, they should be SURPRISING you(pleasantly) with hot favors.
The right person will help you not feel insecure, but this is also something you should try to overcome.
This ain’t JC Penny, ok? Just return him you don’t even need a receipt! We don’t care if you had him for over 6 months and spilled spaghetti sauce on him. You can get a full refund in confidence and happiness, we want you to be fully satisfied with your experience.
You both need therapy and separation!!
Idk why everyone is acting like there’s a communication problem. He tried to have anal with her without any prior consent, apparently. Red flags everywhere. Ditch him.
What you should do now is break up with that selfish AH who is terrible at sex.
I’m in my 60’s, but throughout my life, for the day I lost my virginity, and throughout 40+ years of marriage, one of my primary goals when having sex is pleasing my partner. There are many guys like me out there. There are also guys out there like your BF who are either too stupid to realize that girls need to have pleasure too or too selfish to care.
Bottom line is this guy will never give you good sex. If good sex is what you want in a partner then you’re going to have to breakup and move on in your search for Mr. Right. The biggest mistake you can make is thinking he’ll change or that you can change him.
My ex on average touched me about three times a year. It did horrific stuff to my self esteem
Sex is a 2 way street. You deserve to be focused on, feel loved, and feel satisfied. It took me a long time to learn this, but once you realize it, you’ll never settle for anything less.
DUMP HIM SERIOUSLY
DON’T APOLOGISE TO HIM!!?
He sounds selfish, immature, disrespectful (and so many other awful things)
There are so many wonderful men out there who love pleasuring and making their partner happy, why are you wasting your time with someone who doesn’t respect you and dismisses your needs like that? That is not a healthy or loving relationship.
I don’t miss my 20s. Break up this very second and move on, OP.
Harsh truth? He doesn’t care about you if he tried to put it in your ass while you were feeling suicidal, anf he’s also selfish. He’s using you as a warm fleshlight and making this issue all about him and he’s blaming you for _his_ sexual shortcomings.
News flash : It’s not going to change.
Idk why everyone is acting like there’s a communication problem. He tried to have anal with her without any prior consent, apparently. Red flags everywhere. Ditch him.
Your BF is extremely selfish in bed and he’s not going to change. He’s already shown you that. And he sounds like he’s not much better emotionally. Find a better BF who actually cares about you and treats you like you matter. This guy ain’t it.
I could give you a long answer that leads to the same place ultimately……. DUMP HIM.
I’m in being honest it sounds like maybe you also have some other issues to work on outside of this but you two need to talk and tell him what you expect and how you feel
You was having an emotional moment and he basically tried to sexually assault you and he gaslights you by saying he cannot help he is horny like all men.
Guy is a pig, replace him.
Leave him. What I got from this is that he only cares about himself. Only cares about his own pleasure. He sounds like an asshole. Leave him. You deserve better
It sounds like you have been used. He is indenyal. I hope you have left him.
I just feel like great sex is a natural result from a pair with true chemistry. If he feels this way about you in bed then it is hard for me to believe he is really that into you.
OP, this guy is at best a selfish idiot. Find some hobbies that you enjoy and look to join other people that do the same thing. That is where I would think you might have more success finding people you have chemistry with. Some great examples are also active and can help put your mind in a better place like cycling or hiking.
I know depression isn’t the best thing to handle in life and being with someone/anyone can be preferred over being alone with your own thoughts. That being said it’s time to admit this relationship has gone it’s course (nothing wrong with it) and there are better options for relationships. Someone who hears you say I’m suicidal and then brush’s over that isn’t someone who has your best interest at heart. Good luck with life and love.
Damn, I think you might be sleeping with my ex. Life is too short to be settling for a selfish partner. Dump his ass.
From a 46yo who’s lived a life filled with men’s shit, GET OUT NOW. You can do better, you deserve better, and you will feel better on your own, or with a man who values your entire being.