I guess the best way to describe the situation for me at the moment is being tired of the same old nothing day in and day out despite very much wanting to have another person to share my life with, so I figure that by venting here maybe something will change.
So for background I’m a 37 year old male interested in women, but it’s been over a decade since I had any sort of serious relationship. The last one I had was back in college, and since then I’ve had a few flings, but never anything serious. And that last failed relationship was a mutual break-up as we both had past relationships that we hadn’t fully moved on from at the time.
Anyways, since then I pretty much focused on myself. I gave myself 3 requirements to dating as an adult (remember I was fresh out of college and entering the real world); get my own place, get my own vehicle and have a stable, well paying job. To some degree I always had those things, with maybe one period where I quit my job and didn’t work for 2 months, but at the present I own my own home, my own vehicle and make enough money that I can do some remodeling on my home and treat myself to some nicer things (vacations, electronics, etc). But the entire time I always kept an eye out for that special someone and it’s yielded nothing. I’ve read enough posts on here to know one of the knee-jerk reactions is for commenters to say “you’re trying too hard” and “the moment you stop looking is when you’ll find someone”, but that’s just not true. I’ve had several people tell me I’m not putting myself out there enough, but IMO they basically want me to seek someone desperately.
I do try put myself out there though, I’ve joined social clubs and sport leagues, I regularly go to festivals and shows, and I even go to get togethers my friends host who tell me “there’s going to be a lot of single women there”, but it’s all pretty fruitless. Oh, and I guess it’s worth mentioning I have used 2 online dating sites as well, but for the last year at least I’ve basically given up on them as the people I was matched with were comically bad pairings. I never really had any dates as a result and maybe a conversation that lasted about 3 messages back and forth. And to be clear it’s not that I’m being rejected, I’ve met plenty of women who are into me, but they are just not what I’m looking for.
I actually think my main problem is where I live, smack dab in the center of Alberta, Canada. I grew up in rural Alberta and moved around a bit before settling near a major city, but the vast majority of people I meet fall within a few stereotypes, all of which I want nothing to do with. I don’t want to go into too much specifics, otherwise I’ll be here all day, but just 2 examples would people who describe themselves as country girls who “aren’t like the other girls” because I like hunting and fishing and riding ATV’s and drinking beer, or women who seem to need to form a circle of friends that their life revolves around, that gives me the feeling of a life that is more for show rather than natural. And don’t get me wrong, I too like fishing, and there’s nothing wrong with women drinking beer, and women having friends is fine too, but it’s more that these are the things that these people choose to define themselves. I just want to find someone independent and creative and genuine that I can feel something real with. And those kind of people are out there, but I feel like at this point in time they’re already married (most of the people my age are), or they run in crowds that are somewhat exclusive, or at least it seems that way because I have no clue where to meet them. I actually think my best option is trying to find someone from far away, like another country, because it seems easier to find some variation there.
Generally I’m a happy guy, outside of this one area of my life things are pretty good, sometimes even great, but there is always that part of me that is lonely, and that loneliness gets depressing more and more often the older I get. I miss taking a girl out for a date and really doing something special to surprise them. I want to make a girl smile because she came home and I made her a fancy dinner by candlelight even though there was no occasion for it. Or snuggling on the couch while watching some schmucky rom-com she loves. And while I know this is a dating sub, I want to be a father someday as well and you kind of have to succeed in the dating part before you get to those later steps. And at this point I just have to accept that even if I had a child today I’d be almost 60 by the time they turn 18, which is just so depressing.
So yea, I guess this is just venting, but at this point I feel like expressing this would be a change and any change would be good.
3 comments
Here are a few suggestions that might help you:
1. **Expand your geographic search**: You mentioned that you feel the problem might be where you live. If moving to a different location isn’t feasible, consider expanding your online dating parameters to include areas outside your location.
2. **Professional Matchmaking**: If you have the means, consider hiring a professional matchmaker. They have vast networks and take a personal approach to finding matches that align with your preferences and values.
3. **Networking**: If you haven’t already, consider letting your family and friends know you’re actively looking. They might know someone great who’s just outside your current social circle.
4. **Explore new hobbies**: Try to take up new hobbies or interests where you might meet like-minded individuals.
5. **Personal Growth**: It might be beneficial to work with a life coach or a therapist who can help you identify any potential roadblocks that may be preventing you from finding a partner.
6. **Persistence and Patience**: Keep trying. You’re obviously a self-aware and thoughtful person, and that will be attractive to a lot of people. Try to stay hopeful and patient.
Remember that it’s okay to feel the way you do and it’s also okay to express it. Sometimes venting and acknowledging these feelings is the first step to making a change. **You’re not alone** and it’s completely valid to want what you’re seeking.
Here’s an answer you might not like to hear; you’re probably physically unattractive to most women, so while “dating is a numbers game” makes perfect sense if you’re kinda cute, just with a kilt bit of confidence and charm you can get the attention of 1 in 5 girls or something
It makes a lot less sense when you’re not that cute, and those “mature, good girls who look past your appearance” appear maybe 1 in 1000 women you meet….
“I’ve met plenty of women who are into me, but they’re not what I’m looking for.”
That’s why you haven’t had a ton of dates. You’re highly selective. That’s OK but you won’t have as many experiences.
As for relationships, who can say. Your tastes might be mismatched with your location. They might be too high for what you can offer (I struggle with this one too). You seem to have a superficial view of women as well, which is probably due to lack of relationships with them. You take their hobbies and photos at face value and don’t wonder “hey, even if they subscribe to a culture to fit in, maybe they are all unique individuals that could surprise me?”
If you keep rejecting your options youre going to be alone. And that’s fine because you shouldn’t settle. However, this also means you have to accept the possibility of a continuous single life. Some people go for that.