My (36M) wife (34F) has suggested multiple times that we bring another woman into the bedroom

30 comments

1. You’re playing with fire. Both with the Latina part and the threesome with your wife part (I realize it’s the same person). I’ve heard so many stories about relationship issues and breakups after someone gets jealous from a threesome. It’s so tempting, but risky. What will happen if you say no? Will she seek it elsewhere? Would she cheat? Is she trying to come up with a reason to divorce you and take half and the house?

2. The fantasy is great. You get to imagine the physical type and the personality and behaviours that turn you on. You get exactly what you imagined. It can’t not be good. The trouble with reality is you can’t control the real world. You get an elbow in your ribs, the fat rolls roll at the worst possible moment, and you’ll never get the completely unexpectedly enthusiastic dialogue that occurred between the other person and your partner out of your head ever…..

   You don’t sound like you are into this. You need to tell her that you love and support her but this is not a fantasy the two of you share and you will never want to go through with it.

   This is not going to make or break the marriage. In the same breath, suggest that you are open to trying new things, working towards an even better sex life and having more fun, but a threesome is simply not one of those things.

   You are monogamous. The marriage vows said you’d be faithful to each other and you would “forsake all others”. That was a pretty big clue to her that there would be no threesomes. Its great that she is talking to you about this and being honest. Do the same for her – talk to her and be honest. Go from there.

3. adding someone else to the relationship is ALWAYS a risk.. Whenever people does this, they really should be asking themself “Am I ready to risk completely destroying my relationship?”, and sometimes it seems to me that too many are indeed ready to risk that for one night of trying out a fantasy you’d lose nothing of missing out on throughout your whole life.

4. If she has treated you as if you cheated before and has that jealousy then be careful with a ffm threesome. I’ve made the mistake of having a mmf threesome with my ex bf. He said he wanted it and it was his fantasy more than mine but when it went down and I enjoyed what was happening, his jealousy and insecurities came out because I didn’t act as he wanted me to. It’s like…you’re having sex and obviously you wanna do whatever feels good freely but with someone who you have to constantly trip about..there are terms and conditions…there are certain things you’re gonna be allowed to do and others not and if you do what your wife doesn’t agree with or what rubs her up the wrong way…like enjoy what’s happening with the other lady a little too much for her then you’re definitely gonna have to deal with the aftermath of her feelings and that can get messy. You might end up regretting going ahead with it at all. One thing i’ve learned from my own experience and reading many similar posts on reddit is that insecurities and jealousy almost always take the stage when threesomes occur from fantasies. Couples dont really consider the consequences or possible risks that can come from inviting a third into your bedroom…you’re so consumed by the idea of the fantasy and the newness of it that you overlook so much. Even if you set boundaries before the time..there’s always the risk of poor communication. Honestly, i feel like you need to be very cautious and very fucking ready for anything that can happen that could set one of you off. To be this aware you need to know your partner and what their ticks are…and your partner needs to know you. But heck…no amount of preparation or awareness could ensure a smooth threesome and the closeness you think you’d feel post-threesome. Anything (literally even just you moaning while interacting with the other woman) could set someone sensitive off…someone like your wife who already displays…red flag behavior. And i say red flag because in the context of having a ffm threesome…the fact that she’s treated you like you cheated when you didn’t just means that she has all the capacity to turn this threesome experience into one of the worst experiences of your life.

5. It’s a trap! Don’t do it, it will end your marriage.

6. Could be a test.. or could also mean she will then suggest MMF and that would only be fair. And sounds like she wants it more than you. Want to find out lol. Also you have to mentally prepare to have zero feelings for the other woman. Which is hard because biology. And prepare that they could leave you out. (Still some jealousy despite the good show). And it could also possibly be difficult to get it up if you’re nervous. Then that sucks.

   But if you can and she’s honest and the other girl is clean and on BC then OK! (Personally too much for me to worry about). If you’re questioning at ALL, don’t do it!! But with time you’ll get in the right mindset assuming you want to.

7. I’m married and have had multiple threesomes, so here are my tips. First, it’s not that easy to find a third so don’t panic that it will happen tomorrow. Second, you are inviting a third person into the bedroom – not a sex object for your amusement. Think about what you can offer your very special guest star. And research couple privilege. Third, start slow. Maybe make out with someone at a club together. Or get a lap dance together. See how each other handle any feelings is insecurity or jealousy before you dive into a 3sum. Fourth, never refer to them as unicorns (you haven’t in your post, but it’s a huge turnoff for women as it’s objectifying). Fifth, have a think about what you both want. Is this a one off thing? Or something you would like to experiment with ongoing? Is there certain sex acts that are off limits? What would happen if you can’t perform on the evening?

   As for finding a third, most people find people on apps. I used Feeld and Tinder for my 3sums.

8. It looks like trap, to test you ig.

9. It looks like trap, to test you ig.

10. Hire a professional. They know how to navigate these situations and won’t be offended if they don’t get enough attention or have to stop or concentrate on the wife midway through.

    Talk through expectations and gameplay well ahead of time and with the third party. Identify limits and have safe words so that nothing goes too far or gets out of alignment. Try to identify exactly what she wants out of it, did she want to be present, participate, watch, have 1 on 1 time before or during with either of you?

    Get it all on the table before the bedroom and you increase your odds of success. If it goes well, you can figure it what worked, what didn’t, what everyone would like next time, etc. Once everyone is secure and everyone knows what everyone wants then maybe you can try looking for a civilian as a unicorn but keep in mind that non professionals will bring wrinkles, odds are you will end up having to teach them.

    Vegas might be a great place to start with this.

    Edit: get some Viagra or Cialis to make sure you are up for whatever and you don’t have to worry about nerves.

11. Couple of thoughts:

    1. Some great advice I received once when I was considering something similar is “you don’t have to actually do it to fantasize about it.” Try incorporating some threesome dirty talk into your sex, talk about what the imaginary third girl would be doing right now and if it would be hot, etc. Watch threesome porn with her. See if indulging in the role play is enough to satiate this.

    2. If you do decide to go through with this, consider hiring a sex worker. There’s a lot that’s been written on “unicorn hunting” which you can easily google if you want more info, but in short you’re looking for someone hot and bi to have great sex with who will also have basically no emotional needs from either of you and will not complicate your relationship with their feelings in any way… consider paying a professional.

12. That’s a recipe for disaster.

13. Oh boy you are walking a fine line. I think the most important thing you could do is set aside some time to discuss one-on-one what the ground rules would be. What she is and is not comfortable with. And most importantly, emphasizing that while you are into it, she will have the ability to end it at any point without hard feelings.

    And then the first time you have a threesome, you need to make it all about your wife. Yes you have sex obviously with both of them, but make your wife the center of attention. Find a third who is mire attracted to women and wants to please your wife. If you make your wife the star, she is less likely to be bothered by the threesome.

    From what I have read online, the biggest source of friction between a couple during a threesome with a third is if one of the partners focuses too much on the third. Like if you spent 3/4 of the time focusing on being over the top with the third, then that will lead to jealousy. Some of the top issues I remember from posts of threesomes gone wrong:

    -There was one where it was MMF, and the male half of the relationship was very upset by the fact that the third guy had a much larger dick, and his wife was more active in bed than usual, feeding his insecurities about his dick size.

    -One FFM had the female half upset because the guy had never finished from her blowjobs, but came quickly with the third’s blowjob, making her feel like she wasn’t good enough at blowjobs.

    -Another FFM, the guy was way too into the third. Like the woman posting complained he hadn’t looked at her or been as passionate as he was with the third in years, making her feel unattractive.

    You have to have a serious talk about this. Search this subreddit and find stories of threesomes gone wrong, and have a frank talk with your wife about these concerns.

    Then, if she wants to move forward, try to find a woman who has done threesomes before. Someone who is experienced with threesomes will likely have experience with what can go wrong, and how to manage it. Explain that your wife can stop it at any point, and make sure she is aware that it is your first time doing it.

14. Simple answer. Either tell her no or Let her find the woman to bring in.

15. Don’t do the threesome if you have a jealous partner. You both have to be super secure, and even then it usually doesn’t work. Fantasy and reality are far different. There’s and old saying about these that is usually true: it’s all fun and games until she actually sees you making another woman moan right in front of her.

16. **Do not agree to a threesome on Thursday and be balls deep in a threesome on Friday.**

    What you do is you explore it in very gradual steps providing ample time for her to come to grips with the reality.

    Let her see you flirt with another woman. Let her see you dance with another woman. Let her see you make out with another woman. Let her see another woman touch you, etc. All these things are steps along the way that you take with plenty of time in between for discussion and reflection.

    The goal is to approximate the experience as much as possible while avoiding crossing a line that could harm your relationship.

    I was given a hall pass in a marriage and basically I spent 6 months slowly building up to telling her I was going to cash it in. Then the weekend I told her I was cashing it in I actually didn’t but I let her think I did so that we could revisit and I could tell her in all honesty and with confirmation from friends we both trusted that I was hanging out with platonic friends all weekend. In this way I was trying to create a safe little sandbox for her to feel regret over the choice but then I could reveal that nothing actually happened.

    No matter how you do it, do it in steps and have communication every step of the way.

17. By the way, she’s treated you with the jealousy and all, I honestly think having a threesome wouldn’t be good at all because afterwards, how do you think she’ll treat you? you’ll always have her degrading you because she “let you” have sex with another woman and you’ll always have to earn her trust.

18. I have personally never been in this situation however I have had friends that have and it almost NEVER ends up working out. Sounds fun in the moment but someone always gets upset and your relationship will be in jeopardy or at the very least, never the same again

19. Honestly- if you’re happy with the way things are, and don’t harbour a particular need to introduce a third party, don’t do it man.

    Maybe the issue is to talk to her about why she is bringing up introducing somebody else into the bedroom. And figure out where it’s coming from and then finding ways to reassure her (if that’s how you feel).

    If things are good, don’t spoil it. Reinforce it

20. This rarely ends well. Very few couples can truly pull this off without something backfiring. Someone catching feels. Someone being left out. Someone feeling less than.

21. Having a fantasy and acting out in real life are two completely different things.

22. Ugh I’m Latina and this kind of annoys me on many levels. Just don’t do it man. A threesome sounds stupid to be honest and adding the mix of your wife being the way she is…..not worth it.

23. It will forever change your relationship, likely for the worse. Be on the safe side and don’t do it. Maybe encourage fantasies about it, work it into the bed room, but don’t do it

24. yeah i have FFM fantasy and it’s almost entirely linked ot my jealousy issues lmfao. like some twisted way to deal with those feelings is to just sexualize them. i think if i actually watched a man i loved enjoy another womans body i would want to kms. if you are not sold on this and shes only wanting this for the sexual pleasure and isnt necessarily into open relationships/poly i wouldnt. its a can of worms you cant shut once opened. have you thought about roleplay? maybe she becomes the other woman? there are ways to indulge her and explore more without possibly destroying your relationship

25. Threesome are known as the place where relationships go to die, at least for monogamous relationships and you have a lot of incredibly reasonable concerns.

    Have you talked about your concerns with her? Especially about your fear that jealousy might kick in mid way through for her.

    I personally would not risk it even without those fears, but it sounds very plausible that your fears could become real if you go through with this.

    I don’t know. Have a lot of honest and extensive talks with her about your fears and boundaries regarding this before even considering doing it. If you decide to move foward with this make a plan together on how to do it and be as open and as honest about everything to a fault.

26. Don’t do it. I tried this with my wife and ended up disappointing twice as many people as I normally do in bed.

27. You can literally see the bear trap waiting for you. It’s painted bright pink, there’s a spotlight shining on it, there’s blood from previous kills still on the floor. Just do some searching on this sub. You’ll find plenty of answers of the reality that awaits you.

28. It’s a trap, don’t do it.

29. Do not open the marriage!

30. Oooh, me! I suggested this to my husband for our 10 year anniversary. He hesitant, too, for the same reasons. I figured out how to navigate my jealousy. We will be going to a legal brothel where a) the girl is there for a paycheck b) she’s literally an experienced professional who knows how to navigate this carefully c) no fear of pregnancy/STDs/attachments. Also, all my idea. Maybe bring this up to her and see what she thinks. Good luck!