So I (21F) am at college , in Sophomore year. Over the past 2 years I have had a friend (21F) with whom I have become very close, and we would both consider each other as our best friends. The snag in this very pleasant situation is that I have very predictably fallen very much in love with her. I know that the feeling would never be mutual, so I have really just tried to put it to the back of my mind, focus on the more important friendship, and be careful not to cross any boundaries.
This weekend we and some of our other friends organised a trip to a lake about an hour away from us, as a group of about 7 or 8. Long story short, the group and location changed and now it is me going to a river in our town with her and her ex (22F), with whom she is on-and-off casual. I don’t want to let my friend down as she made a real effort to make the plans, but it really would just hurt too much. I’ve been in a dilemma about telling her this reason, but I wouldn’t want to apologise just for my sake. She’s understandably upset about this, and I don’t want to make it worse. Also, I’m moving away for a year in a few weeks, if that affects anything.
Tl;dr: Group plans changed to me third wheeling my crush, I can’t face it emotionally but don’t want to let my friend down
9 comments
Not to make light of this but there’s another post on here I just replied to of someone who was in your exact situation and let it go on for ten years, [you should read it it’s like you from the future](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/147ac0j/how_to_confront_this_decade_long_will_they_wont/)
>I don’t want to let my friend down as she made a real effort to make the plans, but it really would just hurt too much.
I get this but I think you should be honest about how you feel especially since you’re moving anyway. And don’t beat yourself up about having unrequited feelings, it’s hard but you haven’t done anything wrong
To be able to move on, I think you’d either have to tell her to hear the rejection or to distance yourself, otherwise how would the feelings go away? If it doesn’t work out so well, at least you get to go away for a year.
But also, how can you be so sure it would never be mutual?
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You answer your own issue at end of 1st paragraph.
>I know that the feeling would never be mutual, so I have really just tried to put it to the back of my mind, focus on the more important friendship, and be careful not to cross any boundaries.
Her seeing people shouldn’t change this.
> I know that the feeling would never be mutual
How do you know this for certain? Did you discuss it? Or is it that you assume so because you’re moving away?
just say that you don’t really think you’d enjoy a 3 person trip bc you were expecting it to be a group thing! also you’re moving, you could say that after really looking at it with the plans being changed and stuff you can’t really justify spending the money when you could save it to help you move!
Also re: everyone saying you should tell her. you know her better than the people on here and said yourself that nothing would ever happen so, unless you think that has changed, if you want to stay her friend after you move i would recommend not saying anything. i am only saying that bc when my roomate (granted we were barely friends) told me that she liked me it soured every single interaction i had with her before and after while making it super uncomfortable to be around her. will she think that you’ve been using your friendship for a chance to get a her? will she think the only reason you’re nice/close to her is because you like her? of course every situation is different but if you 1. know she doesn’t like you and 2. are moving then why would you muddy up the friendship when you will move away and the space away will help clear your mind?
What do you have to lose by telling her?
You gave nothing to loose.
Tell her you are I love with her and that you would not suffer to be trapped with her and her fuck buddy.
I’ve been the friend, and it’s very weird to find out that someone who you thought was your good friend is actually in love with you. It’s something hard to overcome, because they have no reason to be jealous or make me feel bad for something they concocted in their mind.