How To Get Over A Mental Block (F24)

I kinda have a lot of background to give, I’m sorry, I ramble a lot. General question- I have a really hard time expressing my desires and asking for what I want, despite really wanting it. How would one suggest I work through this?

I’ve started seeing this guy (M25) for around 3-4 months? He’s fantastic, in all ways. We are coworkers in different departments so we were assuming we would end up being a casual hook-up thing, but we got a week in and realized it was kind of feelings-at-first-sight. He’s the first guy I’ve been with, though not my first partner (I’ve had one girlfriend in the past, so he’s my second sexual partner total), and it’s been way less scary than I’d expected.

I have been through some traumatic sexual encounters before, mostly in my childhood, but I don’t really need to get into all that. It did kind of make me extremely anxious and almost guilty for enjoying sexual things, but I feel like most of my problem is immense self esteem issues. With my past partner and all other small almost-relationships I’ve had, they have never initiated things with me, not even hand-holding, so it’s gotten into my head that I am not desirable by the partners I have. Untrue, evidently, but you know how it goes.

My Guy is fantastic in these contexts though; not only are we extremely sexually compatible so far, but he is very considerate and checks in repeatedly just to always make sure I’m still good emotionally and physically. He does also know about my situations in both bad self esteem and past traumatic events, and he’s exceptionally understanding and helpful with all of them.

This is all to say that there’s a lot that I think I have to do with myself, and it’s nothing that he is doing to make me feel this way. I want to break out of my shell and initiate more because he’s said he doesn’t want me to feel like he’s using me for my body or being a creep by initiating so often; I feel like instead of reassuring him with words that he isn’t, I would rather get through this mental block and instigate and ask for things with actions to really prove it.

I want to ask for things (positions, acts, reactions, new locations, kink lists and negotiations, etc) and initiate and not be so nervous all the time, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Do I just jump in by doing something ridiculously crazy like ripping off a bandaid? Do I start with mentioning really small things in conversation like easing into a pool? Would it be easier to try to initiate with words or with actions? What actions or tricks should I try? I’m an extremely sexual person with a high sex drive that has never gotten the chance to really explore it before, and I think I’ve gotten a little bit overwhelmed by it all. He’s also extremely sexual, too, and I’m pretty positive he would be interested in anything I do- suggestions are mostly for my comfort, if that makes sense.

TL;DR I’m very anxious and I want to initiate more. How do I convince my brain to let myself tell this guy all the things I genuinely want without feeling gross or creepy or scared about it? I am not convincing myself that I want these things, I am accidentally trying to convince myself that I SHOULDN’T.