I’ve (30M) have been dating a girl (28F) and my friend (22M) is getting in the way. I feel betrayed
I think my “friend” likes the same girl I’ve been seeing…
So, I’ve been seeing some girl for about 6 months… nothing is official but we hang out, go on dates, stays over, and have been intimate. The girls from work, I am 30 and she is 28.
However, my friend who works on the same team has always been friendly with her… he’s 22 and with all due respect he is not good looking. Only work friends, they’ve never spoke outside of work prior
Since we’ve been hooking up, she’s been speaking to him about me and obviously asking for advice etc, seeing as he knows me quite well from work.
However recently he has been seeing her outside of work, going for walks and such to “speak”. He keeps saying he needs to speak to her about his issues too.
He constantly texts her when we are out together, texts he misses her and he loves her (in a joking way, but I’m starting to think there is more to it now). He keeps dragging her away in work to speak to her. I don’t want to say anything as she’s free to do as she wishes. But it is starting to get me down as it’s so obvious.
He doesn’t contact me anymore since he’s started to go for walks…
She did say to me that she thinks maybe he might like her but doesn’t know what to say because she doesn’t like him in that way. I didn’t really carry the conversation on as I don’t want to come across as “that guy”
I’m not concerned at all anything will happen between them – that isnt my issue. However, it’s bothering me that it’s affecting my time with her… I don’t know what he could be saying too… and I feel kind of betrayed by him.
I want to confront him but, I’m pretty sure he won’t admit that he does like her. Then, I feel he may go back and say I am trying to stop them being friends?
How do I go about this? Do I just cut ties and keep it professional in work? Do I confront him (what do I say), or do I speak to her?
34 comments
keep it professional al with him at work because it’s your job. he obviously cut you off as a friend, no need to confront him. it’s obvious he likes her, but she does not like him, as she has told you so. trust your girlfriend. if she is answering phone calls during your time together and it’s taking time away from ypu, communicate that with her. open communication is important in a relationship.
lastly, you can also talk to her about her feelings towards this guy. you say she thinks he likes her. how does that make her feel? does she want to continue being friend with him? also, I wouldn’t worry about him talking negatively about you to her. even if he is, he is a kid playing games because he likes her and I am sure your gf sees this too. don’t let your insecurities get the better of you.
> 6 months
> nothing is official
Why?
Time to have a discussion with your ” not girlfriend ” about what you both want
Let the results of that conversation lead into what you want to do about him
What’re you going to say to her? Are you going to say hey I know we are both only hooking up and technically we are friends with benefits and both are single but I don’t like him talking to you?
Unless you’re in a commitment you have nothing to say. She is single and free to do as she pleases irrespective of your existence in the FWB space since, as you said, nothing is official.
Honestly, the most mature and wisest move to make is to simply ignore it. It will only make you look jealous/petty/awkwardly protetctive.
Thats a boy playing games. You are 30 years old my dude, don’t play childrens games.
To be completely fair, if it’s not official, she may not think it’s exclusive, especially if you haven’t discussed that yet.
First… I get it. If this guy is really your friend he’d back off as soon as he knows you’re seeing this girl. I don’t know how clear you’ve been with him, so maybe he isn’t fully aware of it or maybe he doesn’t care because he doesn’t see you as a real friend.
But more importantly… I’m gonna be a bit rough here but you’ve got to “take a shit or get off the pot” as they say. You’re not “officially together” so you’re not really entitled to feel jealous about her at all. If you wanna be exclusive, stop just assuming she’s automatically yours and *talk to her about being official*.
Dude. You’ve been seeing her for 6 months, and you’re not making it official? This problem would likely have never occurred if you were actually in a relationship. As it stands, you seem to be complaining about something you have no right to complain about. You’re not together. He’s allowed to pursue.
“nothing is official”
Oh for fucks sake
Personally it comes across as you aren’t really that into her “some girl” “nothing official” etc it’s not the language of a man who wants a lifetime with someone. Maybe your friend is picking up what you are putting down and trying to snatch her up before she hits the ground
Then he’s not your friend? Whats so hard to understand? You’re 30, you’ve been around the playground long enough. You sound like an indecisive wishy washy guy that probably spent more time writing this post than actually talking to the people involved
>it’s bothering me that it’s affecting my time with her
I feel like this is a great opportunity to define your relationship with her, seeking to make it official and exclusive (it also always helps to talk a bit about what exclusive means to each of you). It probably won’t mean that she treats you differently during hang outs, but it definitely would kill the looming spectre of someone else dating her. I know I know you think this guy is an uggo, but that doesn’t mean he’s not *trying* to date her. Right now she’s free to date him.
I also think it’d be good to tell her that he has distanced himself from you since she and he got closer. That should tell her everything she needs to know about his intentions and integrity. She’s already doubting him, I really think she’ll reduce that relationship a lot upon hearing that information.
I agree with others that there’s no need to confront him. Just keep your distance.
If you don’t make it official with your girlfriend, your friend will.
The friend is doing nothing wrong since you aren’t official. Maybe they will back off when it become that way. But if he knows you aren’t official, she’s fair game….
Bro it seems like your commitment issues are getting on your way, if you reallyike her make her your official girlfriend. A friend won’t come in the way of boyfriend girlfriend time since you’d be a priority which seems to be what you’re craving for.
I’m gonna be real with you leaving the status of y’all’s ‘non official’ relationship up in the air is gonna bite you in the ass if you don’t get ahold of it sooner than later.
As long as you keep things casual, you’ll have no leg to stand on.
Make it official and then SHE needs to handle that friendship. If it makes her uncomfortable then she needs to cut back instead of spending more time with him. She’s leading him on and that’s not cool either.
>I’ve been seeing some girl
>nothing is official
>Since we’ve been hooking up
Honestly, i feel like you can’t really be mad since it’s “some girl’ that you’ve been banging for 6 months and haven’t told her you want to make things official and exclusive yet.
You’re 30…for 6 months dating and sleeping with the girl but did not make it official…not exclusive ..shes not forever young & fertile either. 26. If you do not make us an item and show me your serious intentions for me after 6 months , you have noone to blame but yourself if you see her giving and receiving attention from other dudes , even just as friends. Friendship can always blossom into something bigger. Its not about looks either.
Until you make it official, she can do as she pleases. You want to spend more time with her, make it official with her. As for the guy just keep it professional, no need to confront him about her. At the end of the day, it’s up to her to let him know if they need to limit how much time they spend together.
Also, what’s up with the “he’s not good looking” comment? It’s more than just looks you know. Maybe he is a good listener? Does things you don’t do?
I think you should stop worrying about that dude and only focus on her and you. You should talk to her and tell her how you feel. If you’re worried about it not coming out right when you say it, write it down and think about what you want to say. I would not say anything about that guy at all, don’t even bring him up and since you’re not “official” it would probably just look possessive. How you feel is validated though, it doesn’t come off to me like you’re trying to be controlling but you do care about her and want to see this go somewhere. If you start being officially a couple, and then this guy is crossing boundaries then you can ask her how she feels about how he speaks to her (if he is saying things like I love you etc, regardless if it’s a “joke”). If she says she isn’t bothered and isn’t worried about him, I’d try to let it go. It’s a slippery slope in that territory, and you don’t want genuine concern to come off as something else.
I would advise not saying anything to dude about this. Be the more mature person in the situation, remain cordial at work – nothing more, nothing less. If this guy knows that you two have been seeing each other how you have, and he is supposed to be your friend – I understand you can’t always control your feelings for someone but you can control your behavior towards them. I hope for the future or even if this is happening now, that if dude is making her feel uncomfortable or anything that she can set some healthy boundaries with him. No matter what happens, just try and be supportive. I think it’s kind of weird that he is giving her advice or whatever it is he is doing, that it’s being given about you. He doesn’t know you better than you know you – so there is really no place for him to be saying anything. I don’t like the thought of anyone speaking for me but me. Maybe try and find a way to make her feel secure enough in her choices and/or words, her actions towards you – that she doesn’t feel like she needs to ask that guy for advice.
Edit: grammar
If she was that important to you after 6 months you would have put some type of commitment into play. The fact that they don’t want to commit even still after all this shows you don’t really care. It’s a work fling people have those but you can’t ball hog and save bro if your not even serious about the girl that’s not fair. Either talk to her about a commitment or let them do whatever they are going to do don’t hate. Prayers for you. Hope u get it right my man
I think she should go be with him since you’re some 30 year old man child who can’t commit to a woman after 6 months of taking advantage of her.
a discussion with your ” not girlfriend ” about what you both want
You say the relationship is not official and that you basically just hang out and sleep together. If you want more of her time and don’t want her talking to other guys, then man up and make the relationship official.
…I think it’s time to make it official.
There are two relationships here that you can affect:
– your relationship with this woman: what do you want from this? Do you love her? Do you want to build a solid basis for a relationship? Talk to her about you and her, not about the other guy.
– your relationship with the kid: he is a kid from where I stand. However she chooses to handle his advances, that’s none of your business. If you feel betrayed you can either talk to him or cut contact.
In any case, stay professional at work.
Wake up sir! Wake up…
v(´-ι_-｀)v you can’t act like you’re owed something when you’re not. I’ve seen people say it over and over in the comments, and I agree. You’re 30, not 15. By now you should have a better approach to establishing relationships. If you’re hooking up with someone for half of a year, maybe you should either talk to her about where your relationship with her stands, or find someone else (that’s not at work). Cause as far as we see it… she’s single
This entire thing screams “high school drama” to me. Either make it official or let her go. THAT will resolve all of these problems.
If you want him to back off then maybe you should step up and make it official with her?
You don’t seem super sure about anything. Either bring it up or let it go, either define the relationship or continue being casual, but definitely end your sentences with a single period and don’t continually use ellipsis.
The other guy is young and doing young man bullshit. He isn’t your friend. You’re in your 30s. Cut him out of your life out side of work. The biggest issue is what are you doing about her. If you like her, step up. State your intentions.
You can’t be “hooking up” and expect exclusivity. What is wrong with some men/ women these days? Grow a pair and become official or stop giving a shit that someone else likes her too…..
I can’t commit but want her to commit to me. Bro what.
I once heard a very wise woman who said:
“Cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it”
So, ask her to be your girlfriend and address the issue with her.