I thought it was a good idea to ask my GF’s parents for their blessing before proposing to her sometime this year, I am male 31 and she is female 32. We have been dating over 2 years and we have been living together for more than a year.
So a month ago I had the chance to have a meal with the parents and I dropped the question. Initially I thought it was going to be straight forward and quite easy, given how often I see them and how much time I spend with them. Everything seemed fine, however the mom smiled at me and wished me “good luck” and then the dad just said “soooo are you asking for my blessing huh?” then he completed changed topic and moved on. I was left in complete confusion and I didn’t want to force it either so I just played along and moved on.
Yesterday, after a month from my question, the dad asked me out for a drive. During the drive he just started to ask me questions, whether I have a future plan with her daughter, why I dont have a property yet, marriage is easy but what comes later is a challenge, how many kids do I want, raising kids are expensive and a bunch of other questions that I found quite disrespectful. I took the whole conversation as “you are not wealthy enough to support my daughter”, I understand his concerns given that she is the only child and from a parent perspective they would want the best for her child, I already told him that I will try my best, work hard and provide as much as I can. Not sure what to do here, I have raised this with my GF and she felt very upset about it, said that I shouldn’t listen to her dad.
Her dad mentioned that he will follow up with me at a later stage too. Not sure what else to say to him. Any thoughts? Much appreciated.
20 comments
Fuck ‘em.
What is you and your girlfriend’s cultural background?
I thought about asking my FIL his blessing but never got to be with him alone to ask so I didn’t. Well after we were engaged I brought it up and he looks at me and said “blessing? What? We’re not trading land or something”.
You are not wealthy enough for the dad. It’s a legit concern. Ultimately, you and your gf should decide if his concern is valid. Not enough context to give other advice.
Actually,this is a bit humorous, something you might laugh about in 15 years.
You asked, FIL took it serious, took 2 weeks to think about it.
There is nothing else to do. Assure him that his daughter is the best gift in your life, that you will work as hard as you can, ask his advice over the years (even if you dont)
He is simply doing his job as it is the tradition of his background.
You got the girl, just carry on and be sure not to disrespect the FIL…keep asking for his advice, he likes to give it.
You asked like it was important to you he oked it so he is taking you at that. If its important that you fit what he wants in a partner for his daughter I suggest you get your butt in gear.
Shes 32. You asked her parents. You made it weird.
At 31 and 32 you did him a curtesy of asking. He is being an AH and not recognizing his place in this ritual. Time for both of you to set them down and set him straight. Congrats on the upcoming engagment.
They kind did give you their blessing. They didn’t outright say no or make think you they don’t like you. His concerns are reasonable and is something to think about.
That’s not a “No”, he wants to hear about your plans and motivation to make his daughters life a “rewarding” life, he doesn’t want her unhappy….I think he’s being a great Dad.
After I dated my girl friend 4 years I asked him for his blessing and he said “NO”, he wanted better for his daughter…it was a hard “No”
We just celebrated being married 40 years, he eventually apologized and we became close…he passed away a few years ago but I think of him all the time …I miss him for sure and am grateful for his “protective” attitude as his grandkids loved him…even though it took me a bit to get back on that horse…
Good Luck, you have someone who cares…
This is why I hate the whole Concept of asking for permission from parents. It is not up to them- it’s up to your girlfriend.
If you are dating someone who you think would want you to ask her parents- fine. But other than that, it’s not for the parents to give “permission”.
I actually would have been quite irritated if my husband had asked my parents for their permission to marry me.
Edit: forgot to add- if she wants to marry you and doesn’t care what her parents think, then propose.
By asking her parents, you have indeed handed over all your power. Or at least that’s how this neanderthal sees it. I’d move on and do what you want. This is your life and guy, you only get one. Goodluck!
Asking the parents for their blessing is really outdated and unnecessary. You don’t “need” it and it’s silly to think they have any power over what the two of you want to do with your life.
Mary her anyway. It’s just something her dad is going to have to get over. The simple fact is no dude will ever be good enough for his daughter. You gave him the common respect and courtesy asking his permission for his daughters hand in marriage. That’s all you can do.
Tell him to go fuck himself.
I think your GF has already given you great advice
Sorry you’re having to deal with this nonsense
My wife’s dad offered me money to break up with his daughter because I was broke and my family situation sucked. There was more, but it was like a cringey movie. All the bad cliches of what nobody would actually do… …he did. I have told the story enough in real life I don’t want to post it online. His wife supported us as a couple.
My dad told me after we were engaged that I did not have his congratulations. But truth be told, that didn’t bother me much.
We celebrated our 18th anniversary recently.
Her dad ended up cheating on his wife and divorcing her. My parents had kicked me out when I was 17, and lived thousands of miles away. Oddly enough, we ended up supporting his ex wife in much the same way she supported us as a couple
Ultimately, if you two want to make it work, you can, with or without parental blessing. Poverty, and lack of parental support turns up the difficulty.
These days my wife and I make a good income, own a home, nice cars and have wonderful kids and are really each other’s lives. Our marriage is great. But those first few years without a safety net or support were wearing.
Your girlfriend is not her fathers property. She is not his to give away, you do not need his permission. She is her own independent person and she’s the only person who should be making the decision to get engaged to you or not.
I’d frankly be furious if my husband had asked anyones permission to propose to me, I’m not a piece of property
Edit for typos
The dad didn’t do anything wrong, if you had a daughter and a guy wanted to marry her, wouldn’t you wanna make sure that she’s going to be well taken care of? Your role in this was simply to answer his questions reassuring him and showing him that his daughter will be well taken care of. Because if she’s living with her father now, she’s going right back to her father if things don’t work out with you.
However, if the father clearly states his disapproval, it comes down to your girlfriend’s decision, because if you really like her you will follow through anyway. The only issue is that you have to make her understand if she agrees to be attached to you, she has to be ready to be unattached from her father.
Try not to let the father’s decision sway u from pursuing the love of ur life. I know plenty of people whose lives have been wasted and ruined because they agreed to marry people their parents chose for them.
Doesn’t sound like he said no. It sounds like it’s okay to not have those things right now but he wants to know you have a solid, well thought out plan to obtain better and not just be living day-to-day. I would want the same for my daughter. In fact, something I will be telling both of my children is to wait until they are financially comfortable before marriage. If your plan is for your marriage to be forever, what’s the harm in achieving financial stability first?
I think he just wants the best for his child. Get a sense he wants you to make more money or be more successful a bit but not enough context to tell. I think they know they ultimately don’t have the decision. Also in general if u already live with her and you love her, and u want a future with her like you allude to, then you’re doing the right thing.
If it still bothers you I would just go back to them and tell them, hey you asked for their permission out of respect, but you’ll be proceeding with the proposal and you hope you have their support. And maybe end with how you see a future with her and you can’t wait for next steps.
I think something like that closes the chapter, gives them reassurance and also let’s them know hey- I’m a man that’s responsible and I take this very seriously and I’m going to put in the hard work.
I’m with the mom. Good luck!