What’s your favorite headline from The Onion?

31 comments

1. “Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality”

2. “Gays to Precious to Risk In Combat” has always been a favorite.

3. “Mitch McConnell Inflates Throat Pouch In Show Of Dominance Over Fellow Congressional Males”

4. It’s not my absolute favorite but “Drugs Win Drug War” is iconic.

5. French Surrender After Valiant Ten-Minute Struggle.

6. “T-ball stand pitches perfect game at Special Olympics.”

   It’s fucked up but I cracked up reading that haha

7. [War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General.](https://www.theonion.com/war-on-string-may-be-unwinnable-says-cat-general-1819587875)

   This has always been my favorite headline ever.

8. [The paper they did after 9/11 was surprisingly both respectful and good parody](https://onion20.substack.com/p/the-onions-911-issue-20-years-later)

9. [God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Little Boy.](https://www.theonion.com/god-answers-prayers-of-paralyzed-little-boy-1819564974)

   ‘No,’ Says God

10. Drug use down among uncool kids

11. During the first Obama campaign “Black man tours the country asking for change”

12. Wasn’t a headline, but in a video they mentioned “up next, a new study finds that getting screened for cancer is the leading cause of finding out you have cancer”

13. Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

14. Taco Bell discovers new way to combine meat, cheese, beans, and tortillas

15. Op Ed published January 20, 2001. “Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Finally Over.”

16. My favorite is “CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years”

17. [World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent](https://www.theonion.com/world-death-rate-holding-steady-at-100-percent-1819564171)

18. “Real life Nancy Drew traces the source of her HPV”

19. Serial killer admits he’s lost track of pattern he was going for originally.

    https://www.theonion.com/serial-killer-admits-he-s-lost-track-of-pattern-he-was-1819577930

20. Whenever I’m sad I turn on their ONN segments from like the late 2000s. My favorite is probably[“‘9/11 Conspiracy Theories Completely Ridiculous,’ Al Qaeda says”](https://youtu.be/Q_OIXfkXEj0)

    Bonus: [Al Qaeda also fed up with Ground Zero construction delays](https://youtu.be/kk0M0PsaTLk) … the Al Qaeda guy cracks me up every time

21. [Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich](https://www.theonion.com/report-oh-fuck-yeah-egg-yolk-dripping-all-over-sandw-1819579733)

    Just feels out of place in a funny way. The Facebook comment section was hilarious when it came out as well.

    “If I wanted a sloppy mess on a plate I would talk to your mom.” 😂

22. “Man has urge to pack up, move cross country and make the exact same mistakes somewhere new.”

23. “SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks” – It had an amazing photo as well. I remember seeing people on Facebook losing their minds and calling for SeaWorld to be shut down.

24. “Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts”

25. After Obama’s first election:

    [Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job](https://www.theonion.com/black-man-given-nations-worst-job-1819570341)

26. Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician

27. It’s Clickhole which is basically The Onion but the headline “Supposed Game of Thrones Buff Hasn’t Even Finished The Series” and then showed a photo of George RR Martin. I have only read two books and have seen one season, and it still cracks me the fuck up whenever I think about it.

28. Don’t know if it’s my favorite, but every time we drive by a dead squirrel, either of my wife or I have to say ” Roadkill squirrel remembered as frantic, indecisive” Every. Single. Time.

29. Their Redskins stuff was pretty funny

    >Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins

    >Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available

30. Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades
    https://www.theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036

    Because it actually came true two years later, and I worked at a certain razor company at the time.

31. New Subway Promotion to Honor Subtember 11th. Fly on in for Subtember 11th

    Augusta National Honors Tiger Woods With Own Drinking Fountain

    Sudanese 14-year Old Has Midlife Crisis

    Mayor McCheese Caught Fucking Intern

    Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids