My partner has pictures on her phone of her ex.
I want to preface that this has absolutely nothing to do with her having pictures of her ex on her own personal phone, it’s hers to keep or hers to do whatever she wants with those. I don’t keep pictures of exes from long time ago, but that is just my personal choice.
Her iPhone popped up on a widged a picture with one of her exes. I didn’t know who it was, and because they were very affectionate in those I asked who it was. She thinks it’s an invasion of privacy, I think it’s a normal question to ask of a partner. I didn’t immediately think it was an ex, it could’ve been a friend or a family member for all I knew, so I asked.
She didn’t address it, she didn’t say anything, she just immediately jumped at my throat saying that it has nothing to do with me and that she has pictures on her phone from 10 years prior.
Regardless of the fact that her iOS just decided to put that particular picture up, what she did afterwards really bothered me. She sat there and started rewatching old pictures and videos and giggling at them. I presume she wanted to get a reaction out of me, but I didn’t buy in and instead I just left it.
The deal is that she has really no regards, or acknowledging of my feeling whatsoever, ever. Anytime there’s an issue she gets extremely defensive and her all demeanor is for me to either suck it up and accept it, or just to leave her alone.
There’s no dialogue, there’s no understanding, there’s no consideration, there’s just this is the way it is and if you don’t like it it’s your problem.
This picture is just the tip of several other instances where I felt like her disregard towards me was pretty palese. This obviously culminated in her feeling like she can’t live because I always have a problem with something, without understanding that the problem comes from her refusing to communicate about anything.
Now I’m not saying that she shouldn’t have a past, and be attached to it, but she could’ve gone about it in millions of different ways, including it’s just a picture of an ex, I don’t know why my phone popped it up, but it means nothing and I understand why it could bother you.
Maybe I’m expecting too much, maybe I’m expecting for her to care more about my own feelings than about her past, maybe I’m just expecting for her to show a little bit of understanding when there’s something that naturally should at least be bothering me a bit.
Maybe I’m wrong, and I’m looking too much into it, maybe I’m the one that really should let her live her life however she pleases and just be a stand by in whatever happens.
TLDR partner has repeatedly shown lack of caring and understanding towards my feeling, and anytime is deal with it or go.
13 comments
Leave. This person is a selfish asshole who likes playing games and willfully did things that were cruel to you. If it were just that, without the whole being hung up on exes thing, it would be a good reason to tell anybody to break up.
When people show you who they are…. LISTEN.
So have you considered leaving.
Leave. Whether she’s doing stuff that’s this petty just to hurt you or she was just enjoying some old pics (unlikely), the fact you think she’d do something like that is a red flag. Either she was being shitty or your trust is so eroded that you can’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Either way, obviously not a good relationship for you to be in.
I dunno if you were coming here to check the normal meter, but I think most people would react like you and it’s weird how she reacts. Like she’s rubbing it in your face? Instead of taking a second to just say oh that’s Amy my ex or whoever from 10 years ago. To create ask that drama sounds exhausting. If your options are suck it up or leave, just go. Find someone who can communicate well and not whatever this is. Best wishes
>just be a stand by in whatever happens
why?
Like this sounds like a boundary you are coming to realise is there for you. You are allowed to protect your emotional wellbeing and security in your relationship no matter what. If that means walking away, so be it. Protect yourself first, because it doesnt sound like your partner is. You need to set your boundaries, make them clear. Dont issue ultimatums or anything. Just state that you are not comfortable being in a relationship where her exes pictures get more care and protection than you do. She can keep the photos but you will be parting ways to find people you align with better.
Same with the lack of compassion. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion from your partner. Enforce the boundary. Emotional security and empathy are something you need to flourish in a relationship, and if your partner is not willing to meet those needs- part ways.
One of my boundaries- I am not comfortable with my partner keeping photos of himself and his ex. If tis him and his kids with his ex, thats fine. Or a group photo. Completely fine. But a couple shot? Nope. My boundary is hard to be fair but its mine. I will not be committed to a partner that holds onto photos of his ex in that way. He doesnt have to delete them, he can choose toi keep them. But if he wants to be with me, he is making that choice. I will not stay if the photos remain. I will part ways and we can find people we align with better.
Same with things like porn and strip clubs. Im ok with porn, as long as it doesnt become an addiction. But strip clubs are no bueno. I will not date someone or commit to someone that wants to go to strip clubs. Any boundaries are usually good to cover right from the start but sometimes we dont know ourselves until confronted with something that does make us uncomfortable. But you need to be clear in setting what you wish for from your relationship.
I have a feeling we’re only hearing one side of the story here. I’m guessing your partner would have a completely different story. Perhaps how you’re a grind mentally to be with bc you’re feelings are always hurt and have massive trust issues. Perhaps your partner lashed out at you bc this was your 17th overreaction of the day. The fact you’re on reddit airing your dirty laundry to total strangers tells me I’m probably right. Life isn’t a one way street. Judging by this post, you think it is
I won’t stay one day more. It’s not with her your happiness.
Bah, I’d be really pissed off if my partner started giving me grief because my phone OS displayed an old picture of me and my ex being affectionate and I would also be deliberately provocative in that instance because it’s some utter bullshit. Keep it up and I’d leave you in a heartbeat.
I’m assuming this isn’t the first time you’ve given her grief over some minor bullshit relating to jealousy, because a non-jealous person would not even bring it up. Sounds like she’s at the end of her tether with it. Either trust her or leave her.
Leave, you’re younger anyway.
Bye leave she’s never going to respect you and she seems hung up on the ex and the reaction seems like she wants to rekindle it.
Sometimes, when people split up, there’s still part of her life that was spent with that person. But I don’t think it’s right for her to flaunt her exes in front of you in some passive-aggressive manner to get you to react to it. I mean, what is she really trying to do? Piss you off? I think that it’s working. That’s not a very respectful thing to do while she’s in a relationship with you.
So, if the options are “deal with it” or “go,” I would choose “go.” There are other people who will show you more respect than your Partner is showing you right now. I know it’s not easy just to up and leave. Maybe it’s deal with it, and see if she does more, and when the time is right, then go.
Is it usually like this? If so, why wouldnt you want someone who treats you with the same basic respect? You deserve it.