I (F25) found out my boyfriend (M23) slept with someone else 4 weeks in to us dating, 3 days after we decided to be exclusive. This was 7 months ago.
He was very drunk and high when this happened and I know he regretted it since I saw the the texts to his friend saying “I’m such a f*ckup and I hate myself” directly after, pointing to that he slept with her.
Before and around the time we met, he struggled a lot with depression and drinking himself blackout to numb it, doing drugs, made a lot of dumb decisions, which has completely changed the last months and he seems like a whole new person who feels better in himself.
He has always claimed to be very in love with me, tells me he regrets rushing me in to a relationship (I wanted to take it slow first but it got kind of rushed) but that his only focus is our relationship and to be a great boyfriend. Which he is. He’s truly fantastic and we understand each other so well.
I just can’t seem to let this go. The girl he slept with he used to sleep with before we met, he says there has never been any feelings between them but that they’re were friends and he didn’t wanna just cut her off in the beginning cause he felt mean. But he told her pretty quick after we met that he was done sleeping with her since he had feelings for someone else.
(He has now cut her off completely since a few months)
Also, two months after we officially were together he got blackout again and contacted this girl saying he wanted to have sex with her.
According to him he didn’t know he had done this until the day after and then decided to block her and prolong his alcohol therapy.
I want to believe him and our relationship is just perfect now, he struggled a lot in the beginning but since I didn’t find this out until recently I feel so betrayed. I was close to leaving him when I found out but stayed and he has gone completely sober for now, to be able to practice “normal” drinking in the future and is doing everything he can to rebuild trust, which I see and appreciate.
I’m in love with him but my brain is constantly worried that he doesn’t truly love me and instead wants to be with her which makes me so insecure and I think about this daily. I’m scared he only wants to be with me because “I’m good for him” and not because he’s in love with me.
Is there any men out there who can help me? Who may have had the same issues he had or can just give their input or perspective so I can understand my boyfriends way of thinking/acting better. Should I stay and let this go? Or should I just break up now?
6 comments
Best case scenario he’s an addict and will spend a lot of time making amends. Your choice if you want to deal with that.
The only thing to do now is to fuck someone else
As they say, this is above Reddit’s pay grade.
He seems to be making the positive steps to better himself, and partly for the sake of your relationship, but that also doesn’t necessarily mean that the two of you are a good fit.
You’ve been in a relationship with him for 7 months……..that’s barely a minute, and you’re already facing serious issues like cheating, alcohol addiction, and depression.
Right now, he’s broken and you won’t be the bad guy if you choose to end the relationship because of it. If you choose to end the relationship that doesn’t mean that it has to be forever. He needs to be in a better spot in life before he’s fit to be in a relationship with anybody.
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I think you need to make it a major goal is to understand why he rushed the relationship……and why you were willing to accept that.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Forget that he was inebriated and high it’s not an excuse to cheat especially when he is so willing to become under the influence again. I have experience with addiction what typically causes it is untreated trauma so they try to treat it with drugs, food on My 600 pound life. I think this man is the type who doesn’t want manogamy but still wants a manogamous partner, so if you’re ok being like Ghengis Khan’s wife then by all means stay.
There are only two scenarios which won’t make you miserable indefinitely.
Leaving is a first, him beconing an abstinent for the rest of his life so you can stay together, us a second.
Truth, people react differently to alcohol. I know someone who would always get aggresive under influence. He is an absitent for this reason.
There is no drinking in moderation or anything like that in case of your bf. Therefore tell him you will stay with him only if he agrees and follows through with not drinking any alcohol for the rest of his life.
He will either refuse or agree, but fail to act on it. Perhaps after many more relationships broken by this, he will be able to stop, but right now, I don’t think this is possible for him.
Infidelity and alcohol addiction=huge red flag