me and my ex both lost our virginity to each other , but i’m not sure if it was sexual assault or rape or if it’s just in my head . i had told him to put a condom on and he didn’t listen and told me “cmon” i had said no (i think) either that or i stayed quiet but i know he still kept going and was inside me without one . thoughts ?
3 comments
you told him something once. that should always be enough. even if you said nothing, it is still considered rape . Did he wait for any confirmation or did he just say “cmon” while ignoring your first request?
He pushed you and it sounds like you feel bad about it. Those seem like the facts of the thing as you laid it out.
Rape is a legal definition. Did you clearly revoke consent and did he proceed? That’s sexual assault/ rape depending on the details. You get to decide if you want to pursue legal consequences if that’s what happened. You get to decide if this is something you’re traumatized by and if ‘victim’ or ‘survivor’ are identities/labels you want to take on. Some people find it empowering to be a survivor and to connect with other survivors, others want to use this experience to learn about boundaries and communication and don’t want to be defined as a victim. Both of these and all kinds of shades of grey around them and in between are real and valid and ok ways to feel. Like many folks I live in the in between about my own past experiences whatever you feel is valid.
At the risk of being overly generous to your ex – it’s also important to learn to communicate your needs and desires in the future and to understand and advocate for your boundaries. Additionally, it is ok to recognize that things didn’t go the way you wanted and the part where it was a poor experience does not in and of itself indicate assault without the details I mentioned above. However you’re feeling is real and valid and I hope that you are getting the support you need and that you are learning and growing in the memory of this experience and that you met people you can communicate with and feel safe with to explore your bodies together in the future.
Something very similar happened to me and I think it’s a gray area. Personally I’ve been hesitant to call it rape, but a lot of activists would call it that. And it technically is a form of rape. At the very least it’s a violation of boundaries. If you bring it up with him and he minimizes it or does it again, he’s probably not a keeper.