Need some help. I’m a monster in the morning.
Hello, i, 28(M), wake up most mornings in pain, or grouchy, and it’s beginning to get my wife 27(NB) to feel as if they are the problem. They have expressed that i don’t seem to be happy to wake up to them anymore. I feel very much the opposite, but i struggle to keep my bad moods in check when i wake up, and i need some advice. Anyone else struggle with this? Anyone find a good fix?
I’m already working on getting a new, and better bed for us, so that won’t be a problem for long. But for more context, i smoke, and dont have the best diet. And both of us have been under a lot of stress lately. I know these things all effect sleep, but i have had this issue since before all of that. Even when i was little i was a bit of a jerk waking up.
Anyone have fixes?
9 comments
Frankly it’s never appropriate to be jerk, especially to the person you love. You want her to feel appreciated and respected, especially during these intimate moments.
I would work on manifesting your pain/grouchiness in a new way. I don’t think a new bed will make this disappear.
Sounds like getting healthy could help. A small step could be pounding a few glasses of water and rinsing your face to wake you up before you say anything to her.
I think most of us struggle to be cheerful at certain points in the day. For me it’s morning traffic. For the longest time I was a grouch, getting angry at rule-breakers and the amount of time spent driving.
This may sound cheesy, but I started forcing a big smile on my face whenever I see the traffic slowing down in front of me. I don’t feel like smiling at the moment mind you, I just force myself to do it. I’ve noticed it make me act much more altruistically towards other drivers and helps me feel less stressed and frustrated when I get to work/get home.
I’d recommend the very first thing you do when you open your eyes in the morning is to put a big smile on your face. You don’t have to force it all morning, just hold it for 3-5 seconds and think about putting something positive into the world. Hopefully this helps shift your perspective over time, and helps your relationship have less friction in the mornings. Best of luck!
It doesn’t always work, and it’s annoying to display something outwardly that you don’t feel inwardly, but sometime you just have to force yourself to open up to the possibility that this could be a good experience, or at least one in which you can control how you react.
How about when you wake up alone? Try a separate room. Or, can you sleep with music? (Something like classical, there are various sleep music videos online, there are sleep masks with headphones) The other things that you mentioned may also help too (diet, the comfort of sleep).
You do need to make an extra effort to not be a jerk. You don’t have to be chipper and cheerful first thing in the morning, but you CAN not be an ass.
My BF wakes up super happy and practically leaps out of bed at an ungodly early hour, but he takes an hour or so of alone time before he’s ready to face the world. However, I’m a super grouch in the morning, so he brings me coffee and gives me some cuddles & kisses to make me feel loved, then leaves me alone while I ungrouch myself.
It’s a win/win. He gets his gaming time in and I get a dose of joy in the mornings to set my mood on the right track, so everyone is happy.
Getting healthier and improving your sleep quality will make a big difference in the long term, but you and your wife need to figure out what you each ideally need to start the day out right and I’m sure you can come up with a solution.
I’m sorry you’re in pain. I hope that gets resolved soon.
You gotta stop smoking man. Huge contributing factor to shitty mornings, and well, it’s fucking horrible for your health. I’m an ex smoker, so I’m not just some dude that doesn’t know how hard it is. But you gotta do it. You’d be surprised how many things in your life will improve when you stop smoking.
What exactly are you doing that demonstrates your bad mood? Do you just need space in the morning?
Why are you waking up in pain? Seems like a pretty important detail.
​
Also yes the drinking, smoking, shit diet, shit sleep and massive stress is not helping
Acknowledging that you’re somewhat at fault for your mood is a good start and it sounds like you’re taking steps to try and help the problem. A good partner just tries, they might not get it right but then they try again. As long as you never stop trying you’re all good bro.