My unrealistic views on sex are dampening my libido with my partner

For context, here are some thing that affect my libido: I (26f) am a gay woman and I have depression and currently take antidepressants. I also have trauma related to past sex ab*se. I’ve mainly healed from it but I still basically have PTSD. My girlfriend (24f) is amazing and beautiful and I want to marry her, but there is a sexual disconnect. I honestly don’t think this is related to my problem but I feel like it is important to mention that my GF is autistic and so we communicate things very plainly together and sometimes it can take her a moment to fully understand what I’m saying. This can be a bit of a turn off in bed, but tbh this isn’t the main issue. (TLDR; jump to the last paragraph.)

Before we started dating, I would try to m*sturbate at least once a week because that is the recommended healthy amount of sexual stimulation for humans. It lowers stress and staying sexually active minimizes my issues with dryness down there. The thing is, all of my porn is digital art. I never was super interested in porn of real people. I used to watch porn of real people, but somewhere along the line it just died off and I began only watching and looking at porn of hot anime ladies. I had always imagined that my life with a partner would be similar in that we would be super into each other and have sex every week. I had fantasies about being super BDSM with my future partner. So when I went dating, that’s what I made sure to look for. It wasn’t my only priority, but a big enough one for me to make sure that I was sexually compatible with my partner.

I found this amazing girl, who deep down I knew that this was the right person. She’s healthy, we are transparent about everything, and really sweet, and sexually compatible. But when I got into my relationship with her I started seeing more symptoms of my PTSD pop up because being in a relationship was mildly triggering. So my doc changed my anti-anxiety meds to one that is better for women with PTSD, and my symptoms got better.

We’ve been together for over a year now. The sex wasn’t that great at first, because she hadn’t had much experience. I haven’t had a whole lot myself, but I had more than her. It was awkward and I had to help her and give her tips and she got better. But when I started my relationship I stopped masturbating as much, but I also wasn’t doing much with her. Despite the fact that we both wanted to, I was never in the mood. We had lots of conversations about it, I told her I wanted her to initiate even if I wasn’t in the mood, and so she would. She is extremely accepting and loving and even if I denied her, or said yes and then changed my mind she would never get upset. She would just say okay and cuddle me or go do something else. She knows everything I’m into and why I behave the way I do when we get sexual. Recently I realized that I think the reason I was denying her so much is because I felt like my body wasn’t mine. I was falling back into the old habit from my traumatic relationship. And so I asked her if she would be ok with me masturbating by myself and she said yes of course.

And so this is where the advice part comes in. So I finally had a night to myself to masturbate. I did my little ritual I would do when I was single and watched animated porn and art porn. I felt a different energy. I enjoyed it a lot and it felt right. I orgasmed twice. Is there something wrong with me? I feel like my adversion to irl porn has something to do with the fact that I don’t always find her attractive. She’s beautiful, but the things I find unattractive about her are things that I feel are wrong to be unattracted to. Like her boobs being hairy and her love handles. Art porn and hentai always has perfect ladies, perfect boobs no hair, no chub and even the chubby girls in digital art are more attractive than irl chubby girls. And it would be a lie to say that she’s a 10/10 on the conventionally attractive scale, but she’s not ugly and I do find her attractive. Basically, I know this is wrong. But how do I fix it? I don’t want my view of sex to be skewed by unrealistic porn. But I think that’s why I like it, the fact that it’s unrealistic, and I can explore my unrealistic BDSM fantasies through art porn. But this woman of the one I want to marry and I don’t want this to come between us. I haven’t told her about this, because she’s super self conscious about her weight and I don’t want this to affect her body image and self esteem. What do I do? Should I see a sex therapist? Is it just my antidepressants and I’m overthinking it? Should I stop watching this kind of porn?