Me and this guy started off at coworkers. Everyone in my office got along and hung outside of work frequently. me and (we’ll call him john) we’re both in seemingly toxic relationships, he was married and mine was just a boyfriend. I am an extremely loyal person but my (we’ll call my toxic ex carson) boyfriend carson at the time was really pushing my limits and driving me to insanity so i broke it off with him for a bit.
During this time, everytime the entire office would have hang outs outside of work me and john in particular would get along very well, our personalities matched really well. One day we were all hanging out and i asked john about his wife and her abouts. He told me she was toxic and didn’t show him much affection and my immediate response was “i think i know how you feel.” From then on we always talked about our toxic relationship experiences and i felt like after years someone related to my struggles. One night we were hanging as we normally platonically(or so i thought) would. We drank a few beers and were talking. John then grabbed my face and kissed me. My immediate drunken reaction was im not going to do this to your wife and said stop. he kept persisting and i eventually gave in. I didn’t sleep with him but we did have a make out session. from that moment he said he would leave his wife for me. I didn’t think he was serious but the very next day he told his wife he was leaving her for me. (funny story, when he told his wife about me and him she admitted to cheating on him with her ex for bout a year)
After that we became a thing. I thought i had found my soul mate. He treated me amazing(later found out it was love bombing) and our personalities matched and i felt safe with him. That was until about 4 months later.
After about 4 months, he started really changing. He became hyper critical of everything i did. he was over a decade older than me and got mad when i didn’t know as much as he did about life. he became super controlling, any guy that talked to me he would get livid and make me feel terrible. He was never in a good mood and super bi polar, one second he would say he loved me and then i would make a small mistake like forget to call him back and then he would almost punish me for something small like that by gaslighting me and ignoring me for entire days until i say sorry a million times and swore i would never do it again. He became really obsessive with me saying it was my fault he was controlling because i deprived him of attention or some shit. I’ve gotten to the point where i’m thinking it wasn’t his wife who was toxic and that it was him.
Anyways, im not sure if he’s going through a rough patch but i really think i’ve made up my mind and i want to leave him. I just feel so horrible because he is on a business trip for a long time and he feels super alone already and not only that this guy left his physical wife for me and i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I feel awful for what i did to his wife as well. i was being dumb and he gave me attention at the wrong time. He’s legitimately scaring me the way he is acting and I just want to be single. I don’t want someone like this. Please help
TL;DR: Man a decade older than me love bombed me and i fell for it and left his wife for me and i want out of this relationship but i feel bad because he’s in a bad spot in his life and he sounds desperate for me
14 comments
Do not feel bad for him. You didn’t force him to do anything. He should’ve known better.
Leave him and don’t look back.
Turns out he was the toxic one and not his wife …
He is using you as an excuse to leave his wife. He isn’t I retested in a long term commitment. Dump him
Dump him, befriend his ex.
You don’t owe him anything and you don’t need to feel bad about dumping him. Your relationship with him was inappropriate from the start, and as the older person he knew that. He knew it was wrong to get together with a much younger coworker to talk shit on his wife, and I guess you were too immature to realize it. In the future, don’t do that kind of thing. And don’t mess around with much older men, it’s always going to be drama like this.
You have no responsibility to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in. Wanting to leave is enough.
I hope for you that you find some genuine friends that you can process your relationship history with. People who can be there for you and not try to use your story because they need an out in their life. You deserve space to process.
His life is a him problem. Run
A relationship that starts with someone pressuring you to be intimate with him after you said no, and got worse from there, isn’t a rough patch. This was a mess from start to finish even if it had some nice individual moments. Please do leave. You deserve better.
Seems like you know what to do, so just some additional thoughts: If you still work together, start looking for another job ASAP. Don’t tell him where you work once you get a new job. If he has keys to your place, change your locks. These moves will protect you in case he takes the break up badly.
You think this guy is worried about hurting your feelings? No way! All he wants is someone to cater to his wants|needs. Get out sister! Let him be sad! He has to deal with the consequences of his own actions.
Learn from this – make a hard, fast rule – NO MARRIED DUDES.
Spoiler alert: he was the toxic one all along 😏
Did you really call yourself extremely loyal? LMAO.
Considering that you still put all the blame about cheating on your ex partners, I have no advice for you. I hope you don’t find any innocent soul if you don’t change.
You are 21 and you haven’t lived those years. You still don’t get it. You said after awhile “he changed”. No he didn’t! That’s how he is! The way he is now. He was lying through his teeth about his wife. Then he put on the mr. Nice guy charm and all lovy dovy. This guy has been showing you his true colors. Break up with him. You don’t worry about him. He will be fine. Guarantee the first thing he does is crawl back to his “toxic wife”. Hopefully she won’t take him back. He is out of town so get out and be done and block him. He took advantage of you being young and naive.
Definitely leave him u don’t owe him anything