For context, me and my boyfriend have been together for in total 8 years. We met between mutual friends while I was still in school and he had just moved to my town to go to college. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating. The reason for this was because 1,I was too scared to make a move and secondly, he was in love with one of our mutual friends. After she got a boyfriend, he moved on to liking me and we have been dating ever since. Last Saturday was his birthday and he told me he has never been thrown a surprise birthday party and would like to experience one. I worked all week before Saturday (his birthday), planning and inviting people, getting reservations, buying a cake, etc. I asked his best friend to hang out with him for most of the day so that I could set up and get everyone to get here and hide for the surprise. The birthday party was a success and he was smiling the whole time. He had snuck off with his best friend somewhere and I wanted to find him so that we could sing happy birthday and cut the cake. As I was walking down the hallway I heard him and his friend talking so I kept walking towards their voices. I heard him tell his friend that he should have kept trying with our mutual friend. He told him that he should have been the man that was engaged to her and not her now fiancé. He said that he hated waking up to me and that he wished that our mutual friend was the one that threw him his first surprise party. He said that he felt disgusted every time he had to kiss me or hold me because he knew that our mutual friend should be in his arms instead.He said that he felt like he was stuck in our relationship and that he would end up “having” to marry me. He said that our mutual friend was better than me in looks from head to toe, he said that “she was the most gorgeous girl i’ve ever seen”. I went back to the party and told everyone that I couldn’t find him and that we would have to wait for him to come back. When he came back, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the head and told me he loved me. I didn’t want to ruin his party so I went along with it. He doesn’t know that I know he doesn’t honestly love me, I’ve just been going along with everything. I honestly don’t want to break up with him, I just want to know how I can make him fall in love with me. I don’t know what I did to make him feel so unhappy so I would like to know how do I make my boyfriend fall in love with me or should I just give up on our relationship? He is the first boyfriend I’ve ever had and I’m scared to start dating again at my age.
40 comments
Fuck that
Leave
That’ll show him
You can’t make someone love you. That’s something that just happens on its own. And that obviously will not happen because he already desires someone else.
I remember being 25 with my first serious boyfriend. He dumped me out of the blue and I cried for days thinking I’d never find anyone to love me again. A few weeks ago I got married to my soul mate… you will find the one even if it feels like the end of the world. You cannot force someone to love AND/OR respect you and he doesn’t do either. Dump him and watch him stay hooked on someone who wouldn’t pee on him if he was on fire while you find the love you are so deserving and worthy of. Being afraid is normal but believe me that you will find someone and there is no age limit to falling in love. 💜
That guy doesn’t love you and there is nothing you can do to make him. Unless you transform yourself into the other girl.
You are young at 25, you’ll meet someone quick enough. Take sometime to process the feelings that are going to flood you when you realize it’s over.
That guy is a moron. He never had a chance with the other girl, because otherwise as he says “she would throw him that party”. But he does have a girl that cares about him deeply and he’s trash talking her to his best friend. Moron.
Leave him ASAP.
Oh man, sorry it had been so long. Honey, if he has said these things, you should not stay with him. A woman not loved is horrible. I’m sorry for your heart. But living in a lie is horrible. He never got over the other girl. If someone said they hated waking up to me, and then.. came back in the room and said they loved me…! What a fat liar. I could not live with that. Don’t be afraid to leave, you will be fine. I don’t know if you will if you married him.
Although he didn’t tell you; never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you. If you try to force this relationship he is going to start resenting you because he feels stuck with you. You seem like a wonderful person and you deserve much better than this guy. Cut your emotional losses and move on. It may hurt for a while , but you’ll get thru this.
i’m sorry, after 8 years of being together he talks in the most disgusting way possible about you behind your back and you still want to be in a relationship with him? he’s trash and you are too (to yourself), if you stay with him
There’s truly no coming back from this.
Fortunately, at 25 you’re much too young to give up. Take some time to heal yourself, do therapy, find your strength. This man is not it, but you have plenty of time still.
You cannot make anyone fall in love with you because it comes naturally. Feelings cannot be forced. If any other guy from your friend group, for whom you have no feelings, forces you to be with him , claiming he will make you love him , just imagine how would you feel. You would start hating him instead of feeling love. This is what happening to your relationship..
Also, most important thing, you can keep trying how much you want, but for him you are just a option now to not be lonely while pinning for that mutual friend. He might or might not get over her someday. But even after being with you for sometime he feels disgusted by your touch, he is not going to fall in love with you. He will fall for someone later on in future, someone who is like your mutual friend, and then will leave you as soon as possible. You are right now just waiting ticket for him, untill he can convince that mutual friend or can find someone like the mutual friend.
Would you rather dump him now and get over him slowly so that can really find someone who will love you back, or get dumped by him later on and feel even more worse that he is choosing someone else over years of your relationship. At that point it will be much more difficult for you to move on. You only have these 2 options. The option which you want, that is making him fall in love with you , is not available. This is sure because he is disgusted by your touch, and feels like a chore to even kiss you. If he respected you even a little, I would still say there was a chance. If he had said, ” he is pinning for that mutual friend, but you are also not that bad” then still there would be a chance he respects you at minimum level atleast. But his words signify that you are not and will never be an option for him.
Please love yourself as much as you love him and move on. He is not worth it.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to your face constantly and convincingly?
You deserve someone who you can trust and who desires you. This BF is not that person.
Girl leave! How did that not make you mad? He will cheat on you, I will bet my life on that. How do you not hate him for wasting your time? He would choose her over you any day. How does that no click in your head.
I’m going to say this very bluntly. Please have some self-respect. This guy that supposedly loves you, doesn’t want you, finds being with you disgusting and you want to stay with this person, who feels stuck in a relationship with you?
Get higher standards. Your boyfriend is a really bad person, like who the fuck does this to someone?
Heartbroken for you hun. You deserve someone that talks about how lucky they are to have you behind your back. Someone will love you as much as you think you love this guy, but you’ll only get to experience it if you break up.
Unfortunately you need to be real about this: here is a guy that has remained salty about a girl that rejected him 8 years ago. He happily got in another relationship and it has lasted 8 years, something that isn’t a small feet. But seeing that ‘one that got away’ engaged has clearly set off a lot of ugly resentment and self esteem issues on you, that he has apparently chosen to project at you. After all, if we take what he says literally he used you for 8 years and that makes him genuinely vile. At best he is just pathetic.
And yeah, you can’t unhear that. Whatever the truth of his feelings for you it is clear that he is still hung up on her and that will always be in the back of your mind. It just isn’t worth it.
Because contrary to your assessment you are actually way too young to be putting up with this. Don’t go signing up for a lifetime of insecurity with a guy pining like a loser for an idealised version of a highschool crush. You’re only 25, this is the perfect time to go and find yourself a healthy adult relationship with someone that isn’t stuck in the past.
I’m sorry you heard that. I know it will be hard not to internalise. But this isn’t about you, this is about him not knowing how to deal with his feelings and it coming out in a toxic and putrid way.
Short answer: you can’t. And it’s nothing wrong with you, you are sound like an amazing partner and deserve the same level of appreciation that you give.
But he will never be able to do that. Because this girl is not even a real person anymore, it’s a dream about “perfect girl” that he is in love with.
You already spent 8 years competing with impossible mirage. Dream girl doesn’t get headaches, become frustrated or has a bad day.
Please choose yourself. Give yourself chance to be loved and cared by someone else. And until you end this relationship you will never be free to do that.
Please leave him… please.
I know I’m a stranger on Reddit; but I’m begging you to please leave that man. He will never love you the way you deserve to be loved. Let him find someone else. You both deserve the best kind of love, you especially. Leave.
You need to start grieving losing him, and when you’re strong enough, leave.
You don’t deserve to be anyone’s consultation price, you deserve to be someone’s jackpot
If I were you, I’d break up with him but not reveal what was overheard. Not to him at least.This is to avoid either of his predicted reactions: he might love bomb you , tell you it was all a mistake, that he didn’t realise his true feelings until he was about to lose you like he lost her blah blah blah. Or he could humiliate you even further, say that your neediness or invasion of his privacy when eavesdropping is the reason he resents you etc. I am petty, I would break up with him, site reasons similar to his sentiments using expressions he might find familiar, say things like after the surprise party I’ve come to the realisation that I’m stuck in this relationship, that I am expected to eventually marry him because we’ve been together so long, that perhaps I should be exploring other options in the arms of another man. Keep him guessing and worried he lost two women. But that’s just me being petty. I’d actually remain single for a while, cut contact with him and any mutual friends who drain my mental health by playing peace makers.
Start dating at your age? Dude you’re 25, you have your whole life in front of you. Why tf would you waste it on a person who disrespects you to such a degree. Wtf. Why do you want to make him fall in love with you when he said that he felt disgusted after having kissed you. No offence and im saying this with all the love in my heart but do you have any self respect? Leave that man, very obviously!
I do not understand how you are okay being a with a man who literally admitted he is not in love with you. While I understand that the concept of “starting over” is hard you really need to have a backbone and leave this relationship. You will only end up feeling resentment as you go ahead with it.
ETA: It’s not that you “did” something that he doesn’t love you. You can’t have him fall in “love” with you when he is so clearly in love with your mutual friend (not her fault). You have to open your eyes and see that he only “settled” for you because he could not get the girl he wanted. Is this really how you want to spend your life?
I’d just drop it on him. “Heard what you said. We’re done. You need srs therapy if you can pretend to be real to me then talk shit about me in the next breath.”
You are only 25. Don’t be someone’s fucking consolation prize.
Oh girl. If I stayed with the dropkick I was with at 25 I’d be freaking miserable.
25 is not too late to start dating again. You deserve way more than this disrespect.
Call him out on it. Watch his face. Then leave.
You cannot make someone love you and someone who loves you will NEVER say the things you heard.
I read this and my heart went out to you. I think the main thing you have in common with your boyfriend is that you both seem to be in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate. But thats about it. You sound kind, and frankly, he doesn’t. Without reciprocity a relationship can not grow. You deserve so much better than whatever this is with your boyfriend. If i were you, I would confront him with what you heard, and leave the relationship. It is a waste of a life to spend it with someone who does not, or cannot love you back. You will meet someone one day who looks at you like you are Christmas, and you will understand how it feels not just to love, but to be loved in return. When this happens, you will truly understand what love is. Please leave this sad and cruel situation (him) far, far behind you, so you can experience healthy love one day. It will be short term grief for the greatest gift of all – that gift is you.
Also OP, the more I think about this the more worried i feel for you. The fact that he is able to say such brutal stuff behind your back is a whopping red flag. He is able to live with you while deceiving you and there is just no excuse for this. If he genuinely has feelings for someone else, then he should never have stayed with you. It is a weakness of character on his behalf to stay with you only to punish you for not being his fantasy, and says bucketloads about his lack of integrity, morals and ethics. All of this, to me, means he is not capable of real love with you (or anyone). OP, I honestly think you are dodging a bullet here if you create some boundaries and leave. He shows himself through his actions to be lacking in empathy and this can be super dangerous for partners, as you are starting to understand on some levels. I really hope you find in yourself the courage to set yourself free. I have absolute faith that if you do, and if you spend some time really learning to love your beautiful self, that you will have amples of healthy love ahead with good people that would never dream of treating you or anyone else, or themselves like this. Sometimes the kindest thing one can do is leave. He will never learn to respect any women (ever) if you stay and enable that behavior, too.
Please let us know how you go! Also, please remember that even if you feel old, you are still young. This is not the end of your life, it’s just the start of it 🙂
True love does await you, just not right now, with him. Open that door, walk out – and towards it.
You need a reminder of what you deserve!
You deserve someone who will genuinely treat you well.
You deserve to marry someone who actually wants to marry you and have a future with you.
You deserve to be a priority.
You deserve to be truly loved.
But most of all, you deserve to be number one. Not a backup plan or an alternative.
Please don’t settle for less. If you stay in this relationship, with someone you know doesn’t love you, then you’re denying yourself growth and the opportunity to find someone who will have your back and who will see you as their one and only.
Can you continue this relationship without constantly questioning whether or not he loves you or is still pining for someone who wouldn’t look twice at him? What about you? What about your mental health? Your self-esteem and self-worth?
I can’t see this having a positive impact on you if you move forward with the relationship.
Don’t waste your time, effort, and love on someone who won’t return it. You’re just throwing it into a void. He won’t treasure it or see it the same way you do.
He is a selfish asshole. If he’s so hung up on someone else, he shouldn’t have wasted your time and emotions and stayed single.
Know your worth, OP.
Hey OP. What you heard sucks, but I feel it’s a blessing. You are only 25 (same age as my oldest) so I’m going to put on my mom cap. You deserve someone who loves you the way you love him. What he said is horrible. This is not a nice guy. Imagine your best friend or sister came to you after hearing their boyfriend say that. What would you tell them? I’m sure you wouldn’t say oh, try to make him fall in love with you. You’d tell them what all of us are saying—break up.
This is his issue. Not yours. There’s nothing wrong with you and nothing you need to change. The fact you went to so much trouble for him and he says that at the party speaks volumes about him. Your bf will never be happy or satisfied given what he said about that mutual friend. Leave now. Yes, it will hurt and be heartbreaking, but he’s not worth it. And you are.
First loves are special, but they aren’t the only loves. Please read all the comments. We’re all saying the same thing, and I only hope the words from one of us resonate with you. Take care and sending you all the hugs.
“At my age”
Bruh you’re 25 not 85
My hell, don’t pretend.
You can not make him love you. He thinks he *settled* for you. He’s a dick and a cruel one at that.
You also can’t unhear what he said.
Dump him. Do you want to always come second to his fantasy, because that’s what it is – a fantasy. She obviously didn’t want him.
Hold your head high, and don’t you dare settle for him. You’re worth more than that.
But if you stay, neither of you will be happy.
How could you hear all that and still want to stay with him? You deserve someone who adores you, not someone who says they’re disgusted when they kiss you. He’s so not worth it.
It’s been 8 years and he’s still pining over the other girl. He said he doesn’t love you. Girl, please value yourself more and break up with him.
OP every day you stay with him past this point is a day you are losing where you could’ve met someone who actually loves you. Do Future You a favour and leave him. Preferably today.
25 is still young live a little. I have a good friend of many years who is now in her 30s. When she was around your age her boyfriend of 7 years left her for somone else.
At the time she was devastated because she thought they were going to grow old together. Recently we were catching up and she said she is so grateful for that break up. She said after the break up she was able to discover who she was and in hindsight her ex was very controlling. He told what to eat, where to go, who to see ect. But being young and not knowing anything else she went along with it. How have you been treated as less than? You may never know until you leave.
My friend is now happily married with 2 kids. Happiness is out there so is love. Go find true love. Be someones 1st choice. What happens if this mutual friend is ever single again? Will your bf leave you for her?
you’re better than me, because I would’ve told everyone at that party exactly what he said and walked out with the cake I paid for
> I heard him tell his friend that he should have kept trying with our mutual friend. He told him that he should have been the man that was engaged to her and not her now fiancé. He said that **he hated waking up to me** and that **he wished that our mutual friend was the one that threw him his first surprise party.** He said that **he felt disgusted every time he had to kiss me or hold me because he knew that our mutual friend should be in his arms instead.**He said that **he felt like he was stuck in our relationship and that he would end up “having” to marry me.** He said that our mutual friend was better than me in looks from head to toe, he said that “she was the most gorgeous girl i’ve ever seen”.
You should never concern yourself with making a person fall in love with you when this is how they speak of their partner of 8 years.
Leave him and I hope your exit strategy is painful for him…
1. Is there a job promotion or career escalation you’ve been wanting in a different city? Do it start interviewing.
2. 1st and last month rent for a new place, I hope you two have a joint account I’d be taking it out of that 1
3. Staying long enough to find a new place
4. Stop doing all the extra work you’re doing for him and put that work back into you, put the energy back into you
5. Therapy for your low self esteem because there’s absolutely nothing in your body that should have any reservations about the fact that this man is never liked you has been pining for his friend for 8 years and literally used you as a person who would show him affection and give him sex.
6. You are only 25 please stop listening to the Podcast that say that women dried up and are useless after 25 there is nothing wrong with dating after 25
7. What I don’t want for you is to see you post again in 5 years about how mad you were that you didn’t leave now and gave this person more of your time love and affection stayed miserable i bet the sex isn’t great either meanwhile you could have found the love of your life by now and/or been happier single even. There are way too many posts by women on here who are a decade+ in realizing this shitty partner has never liked them or taken care of them A-day in their life.
DO NOT GET STUCK IN THE SUNKEN COST FALLACY!
Leave when you’ve got your self all planned out and make sure you disconnect anything with your name attached to it like bank accounts and credit. (New house, new city, If you’ve been wanting to start fresh elsewhere) go after that new job, etc. If your lease isn’t up simply let the landlord know after you’ve got yourself a new place that you’re taking your name off the lease.
Do not confront or warn him, he’s honestly ruthless for the way he treats you.
Most importantly after you’re settled in your new life send that mutual friend a message about what you’ve overheard that day and that if she’s still friends with him she should go no contact.
Then live good, heal, don’t jump into another relationship too soon.
You need therapy to find your self respect if you want to continue to be with someone who is repulsed by you. There is no way you said that you still wanted to stay with him. You have serious issues for even coming on here and asking for advice when you really should have left the moment he said what he said. My goodness. These posts are getting unbearable. And idc if I get downvoted, someone needs to give her some harsh ass truth so she doesn’t continue to be pathetic. This is crazy.
Why do you still want him to love you, after everything you’ve heard?! And dating again “at your age”?! You are 25?!! I got my first boyfriend at 24 and broke up with him at 26 because I thought I was too young to want to commit to someone who in a lot of ways turned out to be incompatible with me. How are you feeling this…hopeless… at 25?!! What?!
I’m sorry, I am trying to be sympathetic towards you, but the very fact that your first reaction to his disgusting words was to want him to want you still, instead of justified anger at being used is…it’s indicative to me that you have some issues that you need to look into. Perhaps try looking into therapy if you can? It might genuinely help you see your own self-worth! You are so much more valuable than some immature moron who doesn’t know what he had. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who’ll keep wishing they were with someone else?!
MAKE him love you?! Oh honey. You need to focus on loving yourself and dump this fucking asshole.
You’re actually at the perfect age to start dating again since your brain is now fully formed it’ll be easier not to end up with such a pathetic tool.
**You can’t make him love you. He doesn’t, and he won’t. You need to break up. You are still young. You will find the guy for you. Don’t waste more time on him now you know the truth!**
**You have now heard his truth**. His truth, spoken behind your back. He doesn’t love or want you. You cannot unhear this. **You deserve someone who loves you. He is not the one for you**. One day he will leave you, it’s just a matter of time. Either she will become available, or someone like her will enter his life, and you will be tossed aside. Imagine being 35 or 45 and he tells you – sorry, I’ve met the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Don’t be that 45-year old woman (possible with kids)wondering how to get yourself back on your feet on your own, while he happily skips into the sunset with another woman.
Please pack your things and dump him. Just tell him you heard him – you deserve and will find someone who will love you. Don’t argue, don’t accept his lies. If necessary, leave him a note saying you heard. Tell him not to contact you, it’s over. Then block him from your phone, your social media, unfollow and unfriend him
Keep in mind the following:
1. It’s not you. He doesn’t love you. **You’ve done nothing wrong**. He is just in love with someone else. **You can’t do anything to make him love you.**
2. **Dump him**. Any guy who would use you and say you disgust him – that man is trash. Even worse – he lies to your face and talks rubbish about you to his friends. Dump him.
You need to treat him like the rubbish human he is – we don’t keep trash, we don’t treasure it, we throw it out.
3. **You deserve better. Way better.** Someone will love and value you. It is not this lying, self-centred piece of rubbish pretending to be your boyfriend.
You should stay with him!
If:
You never want true love.
You don’t want to be respected or cherished.
You want to be cheated on eventually.
You want to question yourself and your worth for the rest of your life.
.
.
If you want the above things, great! You have a partner who doesn’t really want you.
If you want to receive the type of love that you give, run. Go full no contact. He doesn’t even deserve to know why. What a P.O.S.