I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for a year now. He’s a swimmer and has a lot of friends from swimming including this girl, let’s call her K(34F). They have been friends for a few years now, he is captain of the men’s team and she is captain of the women’s team. I haven’t had an issue with their interactions until the point when he accidentally called her babe in front of me. He spends a lot of time with her swimming, going away for swimming, going to the gym, going climbing and doing a lot of physical activities together. I love being active as well but I have different sports of choice and I like going to the gym alone so I am rarely involved in their sessions. Now, they’ve been texting regularly, she gets invited to a lot of things that should be things just between me and him and just spends a lot of time around him. I feel very insecure and anxious and I have expressed my concerns about their relationship and the fact that he doesn’t do as many things with me as he does with her. Now, he said that I either drop this anxiety and concerns about their friendship and relationship or we break up. Am I being delulu here or is there more going on? I fear talking to him now about my anxieties since the ultimatum. Thanks in advance 🥲
46 comments
Yikes, he’s defo being defensive for some reason. I’d break up, he clearly doesn’t prioritise you or quality time with you
It’s difficult to say just from the info you gave. But his behavior is a bit suspicious. What are they constantly texting about? Swimming related things? If not, that’s kind of a red flag. What kind of things does she get invited to?
Like I said, we cannot tell if you have to worry or not. They either could be just friends, or he’s actually cheating on you. Pay attention to the details, and always trust your gut.
The fact that she has enough weight in his thoughts and emotions to even be part of the ultimatum tells you all you need to know.
I feel like a healthy partner would hear your concerns and make you feel reassured. “Oh let me refocus on OP, include her in more events, spend more time with her, spend less time with swim girl”
Instead he made it you vs her – which is basically choosing her anyway.
and if you stay, will he give you a breakup ultimatum when u bring up another problem?
Nah. Dump him.
Ask yourself, what does your gut tell you? It’s hard making assumptions about someone I don’t know. Personally If someone gave me an ultimatum just because I was feeling anxious it would set alarm bells off. I’d walk away, if he’s not going to support you and gets on the defensive because you dared to voice some concerns, there’s something not quite right. Again I can’t say he’s cheating I don’t know the full story, but he’s putting way too much time into her and none with you.
He may or may not have any romantic feelings for her BUT the fact that he seems to place great importance on his time spent with her and is dismissive of your very legitimate concerns are two major red flags imo. It all boils down to him prioritizing her over you, and that isn’t acceptable in an honest, loving relationship. I recommend that you both read the book: ‘NOT Just Friends’ By Shirley Glass. Tbh, to an outsider, what you’ve described sounds a lot like an emotional affair, if not a full-fledged one.
It sounds like he is choosing her over you, like damn he would rather lose you than even text her less? That’s fucked up
Your instinct is correct
Trust your gut. Just end it and move on.
He’s definitely gaslighting you, you’re justified in being worried about their relationship. Guys just don’t “accidently” call other girls babe.
Don’t be a pick me girl. If he’s choosing her over you let him have her. She isn’t going away and he told you directly! Choose yourself and breakup with him.
Then you break up. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he minimizes your concerns. That’s not a very good boyfriend. He sucks actually. Choose you and walk away.
He disregarded your concerns and isn’t willing to compromise.
You’re looking at a lifetime of having to accept whatever he wants or he’s going to hold that ultimatum over your head.
Just break up. He is putting time and energy into the wrong person.
Then say ” okay bye. Since your putting her above me it’s clear who your priority is “
if this person was just a friend or someone from swimming he wouldn’t break up with you over them… it means this person is significant to him
and that you guys as a relationship aren’t significant to him like a real relationship or pair or even a team
you should leave him anyway… like asap
there is most definitely more going on
and find someone who WILL drop a random person in an instant to save your relationship and to heal your anxiety… they do exist
and talk with your beloved ancestors about it since they watch over everything and know exactly what he’s up to
Your last sentence says it all. You don’t feel comfortable expressing yourself to your boyfriend. If that’s the case, what’s the point of having him as a boyfriend?
He’s not prioritizing you, your feelings, or your relationship over his friendship with this girl. He’s either making the ultimatum because he’s 1) fine with breaking up with you or 2) doesn’t think you’ll leave him so he can just keep doing whatever he wants. Neither of these are good and neither are indicative of a healthy, loving relationship. I’d let her have him and find someone who will respect your boundaries.
Why are you even considering this? Break up. I don’t even have to read what you said.
Choose yourself. Break up with him and block him. He has absolutely no respect for you.
🚩 leave him, places her importance over you and called her “babe” in front of you?? Absolutely not it girly.
An ultimatum! I would lose this guy. You are not being treated fairly of respectfully in this relationship.
Break up with him. When you are in a relationship, you shouldn’t be spending more time supporting others at the expense of supporting your partner. He gave you an out. Ultimatums are nasty business, and they are for controlling people. Take the out. You’ve only been dating for a year. I’m pretty sure if you had a guy friend (or any friend) that you prioritized over your bf, he wouldn’t like it. He’s not invested in your relationship. End things with him and move on.
It’s been my experience that a man that’s really in love will put his woman first.
I’d leave. He’s choosing her over your discomfort. I don’t be surprised if y’all broke up & he starts dating her.
My SO was like this for years, he always chose her feelings over mine. He made me accept their friendship, even though they flirted, hid their friendship from me, and it was a constant battle of figuring out if I was the controlling one or I’m genuinely do not feel comfortable with their friendship. I gave the ultimatum that either she goes or I go. He blocked her for awhile and became secret friends again for a year before I found out. This went on too long. Do yourself a favor, he’s defensive af, this raises red flags, run.
So you don’t participate in his hobby, you don’t enjoy any of the sports he likes and you choose to go to the gym without him. Presumably he needs to stay fit if he’s on a team, no less he’s the captain of the team so a lot of his spare time likely involves those commitments.
Let’s reverse this one shall we?
“My girlfriend doesn’t like to participate in my hobbies, what activity we both share, she prefers to do alone. Now I’ve known this female friend of mine for years longer and we spend a lot of time together due to our shared hobbies. My girlfriend keeps complaining about her saying I spend too much time around my friend. It’s frustrating to be nagged over this and low key accused of at least an emotional affair; I don’t want to lose this friend or my hobby which I’m passionate about, over my gf’s jealousy when she actively opts out of involving herself in joint activities we could do and only has the fact I called my friend ‘babe’ once to base her suspicions on.
So I gave her an ultimatum to drop the subject or this isn’t going to work out between us. Was I wrong to do so?”
I suspect you haven’t made his life peaceful on this subject and he’s getting fed up of it. So either stop harassing him over it or as he says end the relationship.
Totally gaslighting you and not respecting your feelings at all. It doesn’t matter if there is more going on or not, what matters is he is denying your feelings. If I loved my woman I would drop a female friend in a heartbeat, or not be that close to another woman.
Calling her babe, he knew he messed up then. That’s why he is defensive. Him giving you an ultimatum is another sign. He makes no quality time for your relationship or you.. I would end it and find some on the same as you out of life. This man is giving you no reason to trust him at all. He would rather choose this woman over you, say it all
First, I don’t do ultimatums. I’ll always take the or else when someone does that.
Second, “Babe” is not something you say to a friend. That is a term reserved for someone you’re a bit closer to than that.
They may not have crossed the line of becoming physical yet, but it’s clearly headed that way. Him being all defensive and giving you that ultimatum like that, is just delaying the inevitable.
Honestly the truth is that if you already don’t trust him then there’s your answer, trust is everything in a relationship
I’m not going to join in on the rest of Reddit that expects you to drop the person you love like it’s nothing, that decision is up to you, but you should really think about if these trust issues come from within or from his actions.
A relationship cannot exist without trust. Is your boyfriend 100% trustworthy? If he’s not a trust worthy person, then you cannot depend on him during hard times, leave or keep it casual. Controlling behavior only leads to resentment. If he stops hanging out with his swimming friend, because you made him, he will resent you. If he resents you, you will never move into serious relationship, exactly what he is stating. What you are experiencing is common.
The fact that he actually gave you an ultimatum showed that he is not the right partner for you.
Consider breaking up with him. I think his defensiveness actually proved that there’s something more. I think he even would want you to make the move and break up with him first…
My ex would do that to me every time I tried to talk to him calmly about his behavior with his many female besties that may have made me feel insecure. And I was an idiot who selected to repress my feeling and anxiety every single time.
After we broke up, I found out that he had been cheating on me so my gut feeling/anxiety/insecurity was not just me being ‘insane’ <–he also called me ‘insane’ all the time.
Gee whiz. Another one.
I just read a post about a girl who was the female best friend that the boyfriend told her not to worry about. They broke up.
They (bestie and boyfriend) havin’ sex now. She wants to be his girlfriend openly now.
Girl?
Just go. he gave you an out. Take it. You ain’t got time for his nonsense. Just….go.
He’s literally telling you to either get over the amount of time he spends with another girl, or leave. Just leave.
He may not be cheating yet, but he’s on the sort of path that leads to it and instead of doing anything to change when you bring it up, he’s saying to drop it.
I would take his offer to break up
Him calling her babe could have been an accident. That alone doesn’t mean anything. But his actions of texting her more often, inviting her to do things with you when it’s supposed to be just the two of you, and giving you an ultimatum about her is showing you exactly what his priorities are and who is important. He is telling you that having her in his life is more important than keeping you in his life. Even if it’s only a friendship and nothing more, he is telling you he will leave you for his relationship with her. I suggest leaving before it turns into, “he told me that I shouldn’t worry about his friend and now he cheated on me with her”.
You’re the third wheel. Is she in a relationship?
Sounds like he is waiting for her to say yes to him and he’ll dump you
There should never be an ultimatum between you and another woman. That’s bad news.
He wants you to break up with him so he can be the victim. 😿 no but seriously please find a male friend and do the exact same thing they be doing 🤷🏽♀️ do the accidental “babe” too
Break up and the anxiety will go away. Two birds one stone 🙂
Break up with him.
He just told you he cares more about their friendship than your relationship. It sounds like you already know what to do here.
He’s super active in a bunch of sports and she chooses to not join him in any. OP likes to go to the gym *alone*.
Who’s putting effort into the wrong place?
They are just not compatible and now OP wants him to drop the friend who does join him in things. He’s fed up.
OP you are not being delulu – his bond with K is likely stronger than yours with him. Even if they are not dating now, they may well be in the future because she shares his lifestyle.
This is over.
I feel like I need more context.
Do you agree that you’ve been anxious about his female friends? To an unreasonable amount?
Give an example of being anxious, right or wrong.
What makes a good boyfriend for you in general independent of your current boyfriend?
Does your boyfriend meet these traits?
It is best you break up.
Why keep chasing after someone who doesn’t want you. Stop playing the PICK ME dance.
Everything else aside, don’t stay with anyone who expects you to censor your feelings. The anxiety and insecurities aren’t just going to disappear. You need to be able to communicate and work through these feelings with your partner.
Have to say I always got annoyed when girlfriends got jealous of my female friends without me giving them a reason. This guy gives you tons of reasons to be jealous though and the fact that he acts like you’re unreasonable doesn’t make this any better.
Also anxiety is not something someone “drops”, it’s something fought by building trust, which is pretty hard when there’s nothing trustworthy about the situation
Leave him
The best advice I can give you is read this as if your friend was telling you this story, and if alarm bells go off in your head that’s the sign to leave. In all honesty he should respect your concerns and put some boundaries in place with his female friend. Unless you’ve given him a rule that he’s not allowed to have female friends he has no reason to give you this ultimatum. Listen to your gut this is pretty suspicious, if they aren’t already cheating physically there is definitely potential there.