My (F32) MIL (F61) and FIL (now deceased) immigrated from their home country 26 years ago, but still held onto their customs and culture quite strongly. My husband (M35) and his sisters (F30 and F27) were raised with a very strong sense of where they came from, and are all bilingual. Since meeting my husband, I have also learnt the language to communicate with the family.
I have always admired their family so much for holding onto this, and my MIL has been wonderful about teaching me a lot about their customs and food so I can best understand my husband and his family. I feel very disconnected from my culture, and love to see people so firm in their understanding of who they are/where they come from/what came before.
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant with our first, and my husband and I couldn’t be happier, but we decided to wait until the 12 week scan before we shared the news. This was quite tricky as my MIL lives with us since FIL passed away about eight months ago, but we were able to keep everything under wraps. Last night, we hosted a dinner with my family and my husband’s to share the news with everyone, and it was a beautiful evening.
We had found out the results of the gender through a genetic test, so we were also able to share that we are having a baby boy. It was such a lovely moment, and my MIL immeditely suggested my deceased FIL’s first name, which also means “fat tail of the lamb” in their language. The name is.. not my cup of tea. I have no personal vendetta against the name, but I just don’t like it or the literal meaning, it is difficult for English-speakers to pronounce, and baby-boy will grow up in the shadow of someone who was very beloved by the family.
I gently told MIL in the moment that we have not really started considering names, but we would like something that works across both languages so that no one has any difficulty.
I didn’t say this part, but I am also concerned about him being teased in school if the name is very different or sounds like something else in English.
My MIL was absolutely devestated and ended up leaving the dinner and went to her room. I asked my husband later if I was a bit harsh, and he said that I did nothing wrong but she is probably upset because FIL passed so recently. Since then, MIL has not said a word to me and my SILs have said that she told them she is unsure she could live in a house with someone who would be so rude and disrespectful.
I do not want this for my relationship with MIL, my relationship with my husband’s sisters, or their relationship with baby-boy. I honestly thought I was kind in what I said and in my delivery, but MIL is clearly devestated and now I am not sure how to approach this. I tried to have a discussion with her over breakfast so we could clear the air, but she didn’t even make eye contact. My husband says I need to give her space and that she would never seriously consider moving out.
I would appreciate if anyone would help me put together a plan in how to approach her.
Edit to add: I am intentionally leaving out the country/culture/language and suggested name for anonimity reasons.
25 comments
Your MIL is grieving and not handling it very well. The way I see it, she’s seeking to hold onto, or even regain, her husband through your child. This is, of course, impossible, but it is also inappropriate. While her desire for her grandson to be named after his grandfather is totally fine and understandable, the way she’s emotionally pressuring (manipulating) you to go her way is not ok at all. She has no right whatsoever to demand this from you and your husband. It’s your child, and your choice. His name is none of her business. Honestly, I think she needs help with her grieving process to see things with a little more perspective and understanding.
I don’t really know how to advise you on how to best approach her because honestly, I’m not very good at these kinds of things myself. But I wanted to make sure you know you’re not wrong here. In fact, I think you’ve handled yourself with great tact and delicacy. So stand your ground, with kindness, and make sure your husband is on your side at all times. And if your MIL ultimately can’t deal with this, honestly, that’s her problem.
She is grieving and therefore acting irrationally.
However, this does no excuse her emotional manipulation.
You did nothing wrong — your mother-in-law needs to stop acting like a child.
She just had to ruin your announcement didn’t she?
Let her grieve but don’t use the name.
Your baby, your name –
Don’t be guilted or manipulated by your MIL
She’s grieving, that’s for sure. But her reaction was over the top. No one has any say in baby names except for you and your husband.
Right now, her behavior is manipulative. Refusing to speak to you while living in your home? No. Your husband (not you) needs to talk with her about her behavior. You’re 13 weeks pregnant and do NOT need this stress. Seriously – your husband needs to tell his mother to stop.
Until your MIL stops her emotional manipulation, there’s no way to have a healthy relationship with her. You were not rude. You were not disrespectful.
Maybe she needs to live with one of her daughters.
Guilt never works, unless you let it.
You don’t need to do a thing your husband needs to get her under control.
Your husband and presumably SIL have no issues so if MIL wants to be pouty let her.
Maybe FIL name could be a middle name?
Also what if you had a relative you were close with that passed, you do get a say here too.
She’s grieving.
But she’s also throwing a tantrum, threatening to move out in order to manipulate you into caving to her demand.
Call her bluff. Don’t back down. Let her move out. Her daughters can support her in their own homes.
It’s not rude or disrespectful for you to assert your right over an in-law’s non-existent right to name your child – full stop.
It’s is, however, really poor form (in addition to being rude and disrespectful )for her to attempt emotionally manipulate you into conceding to her demand.
You did nothing wrong. You’re about to have a baby boy. He needs his mom to be strong and assertive enough to make good decisions for him. Your instincts are correct. Do not let anyone get in between you and your best wishes for your child. Your plan isn’t for an unreasonable woman, but for your baby. Stay focused, be strong, you will most likely get more “input” regarding your parenting. It’s best you set the stage that YOU are in charge, sooner than later. If not, you will be defending how you dress, how you feed, and how you educate your boy. This person is crossing the line, and trying to takeover your life and child!
How to approach her?
Don’t!! Seriously! She’s a 60 year old woman, she’s an adult.
She has no right to be upset with you over not picking her name suggestion for your child. And also it sounds like she’s gone her entire adult life with other people managing her feelings when she gets upset, so she uses that as a manipulation tactic to get what she wants, if this is how she reacts to you not choosing her name suggestion.
Don’t manage her feelings by doing something she wants you to do but you don’t want to do. Think about what kind of behavior you’d be reinforcing.
Do be prepared to respond to her. The audacity of someone living under your roof and feeling entitled to name your child, then accusing you of being disrespectful and rude, is quite astounding. So she’ll probably sulk and pout and passively aggressively treat you like shit in your own home. Give her space, let her sulk for a bit, and if she does treat you like shit, prepare to confront her.
Tell her “great, yeah, move out, do whatever you want, you’re an adult. But don’t think you’re hurting me doing that, you’re only hurting yourself and your relationship with your future grand child by choosing to be upset at something you have no right to be upset over. If you want to ruin your relationship with us, and potentially ruin your relationship with your future grandchild, that’s your choice, but you’re only hurting yourself.”
Stop her from moving out? I would be helping her pack and holding the door open.
This is a look into your future. Every time she disagrees with your decisions or “suggests” something related to the baby and you don’t do what she wants, she’s going to throw a tantrum.
Unless you want to deal with more than one child at home let her move in with one of her daughters.
Your difficult MIL is moving away over this? Highly doubtful. That’s a lot to go through with. If she’s that bad I’d name the child Shammalamadingdong and just be at peace without her
She needs to move out if shes gonna act like that. You need to be clear & straight with her. Dont give in & dont let her manipulate you.
Let her go
She’s tossing a tantrum and threatening to leave because she’s not getting what she wants. That’s a glimpse into your future right there
She’s not offended. She’s having a tantrum to manipulate you because you’re not obeying her. You’ve probably all got along great before, and you’ve thought of her as so sweet because nothing has come up where you’ve gone against what she’s wanted.
Do not give in to the name because it’s YOUR baby, not hers, and so that you don’t set a precedent whereby she sees that she just has to throw a hissy fit and threaten to move out to make you relent.
She’s going to have to get used to the different dynamics of living in YOUR home. She’s not The Boss. Unless you want that, which I would advise against. Your culture and needs do count.
It’s best to give her space for now. Let her react the way she wants to, you can’t be held accountable for that. And don’t keep pressing her to talk, just wait until she’s ready.
If and when she’s ready to talk about it, maybe you can offer the compromise of using a middle name or a first initial to honor the memory of your FIL. Remind MIL that while her culture is important, yours is too and you want your son to be able to live in both worlds comfortably.
This is totally reasonable of you, by the way. You’ve done nothing wrong. You might have to remind yourself of this if she continues to have trouble accepting this, and you should not give in just to pacify her.
You have nothing to feel bad or sorry about. “Dumba” is a bad name for any kid, besides the fact that she’s emotionally manipulating the situation. Start with the latter, and move to the former as needed in any subsequent arguments.
She’s manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you OP. You are perfectly entitled to choose a name that is special to you and your partner. The reasons you gave for not wanting your deceased FIL’s name are very thought out and perfectly reasonable.
Time for hubs to talk with mom about this. He should tell her two things. 1) that the decision to name the baby will be made by the two of you alone and that he also does not want to use FILs name. Right now she blames you for gatekeeping her name. 2) That the silent treatment is not an option if she wants to live with you guys. He should say that you both love and respect and want her with you, but you had heard that she wants to move out. & ask what are her plans.
I get she’s grieving and all but you’d have thought she might want a relationship with her grandchild.
I’d give her a bit of space and time, she may come around on her own. If not I’d get your husband to deal with it, she’s his mum.
Maybe when the dust settles you could consider using grand paps name as a middle name to honor him (but only if you like that idea).
Let her go ! Honesly, do you really want that pettiness around you?
I’m sure it’s because you are a good person. But why is mom in law living at home?
“she is unsure she could live in a house with someone” Beggers cannot be choosy.
WTF is up with people??? This is YOUR child, not hers.
Lmao! Let her move out 😂✌🏻