Throwaway account
I’ve been married to my (36f) husband (38m) for almost 4 years. Our sex live has been volatile because he has ED which I believe is from masturbating too much (he doesn’t use lube and shuts himself in the bathroom for 45+ minutes 2-3x/day. We had a huge blowup a while back where he cut back because I was ready to leave. He finally got a prescription for viagra and things were looking up (sex is great and about 2x/week now).
Queue last night. We were drinking and he let his guard down and put down his phone with the screen unlocked for a second. He *never* leaves his phone unlocked. He claims he’s just a private person. I looked at it for all of 2 seconds before seeing he had Snapchat downloaded. I asked why he has snapchat and he told me a friend added him and it sent him a message (when I looked at the notification pic he sent me, it actually said *they* added him back.) So i wanted to see the messages. I opened up the first thing I saw which was a video of a woman from when we were 4 months into our relationship. He snatched the phone back and didn’t let me see it. This was a big deal because we were pretty serious from the start. I think we may have even been engaged.
Now, I don’t think he is cheating as in having an emotional affair or fucking other women. We are together almost 24/7 aside from when he’s in the bathroom. He isn’t texting when we’re together and I’ve never caught him secretly texting or anything like that. BUT I *do* think he has a porn addiction and is watching saved old videos of women he used to fuck. You would have to actively save a video in Snapchat, right? Is this common for married men to do? He claims he doesn’t know who that woman is and he deleted it so now I can’t see.
Now he’s acting offended that I would “accuse him” of watching porn of people he knows “without proof”. He thinks because we’re having sex now that it’s fine. I think it’s cheating and it makes me feel so insecure. I already hate my body and the girl in the video was more attractive than me.
I’m not sure how to feel about this but he’s totally denying it. He has some old hard drives he keeps in a basket beside the bed with a hard drive adapter. I really want to see what’s on them. I tried but couldn’t figure it out. He has an apple laptop and I know how he is about security, so I don’t even know if I could. If anyone wants to help me figure it out, I would be grateful for tips.
TLDR husband has old videos of another woman saved on snapchat and claims he doesn’t know her and he only downloaded it one time in response to a friend adding him.
10 comments
But aside from this, everything else is perfect…right?
What’s so great about this guy that you’ve allowed your self respect and self esteem to fall so low? You don’t trust your husband. He’s not acting like a trustworthy guy. You had to threaten to leave before he took the problems serious enough to get help. What are you preserving here that looking at his hard drives is going to achieve?
He sounds like a great guy. Really. 🫣🤮 DTMF.
>Is this common for married men to do?
Masturbate to pics/vids of ex’s? Oh hell no! That’s a kiss death to the relationship.
“Ex”‘s are people he knew, were emotionally and physically attracted to, and if they met again (possible, because they probably know where each other live) something could happen between them! There is a “cheating potential” there and masturbating to them shows a “desire” for the ex.
Compare that to regular porn. There’s a woman he will never meet, has never known, and if by some miracle they did meet each other, there is like 0% chance of anything actually happening between them. Whacking off to an object and nothing more.
As far as dealing with him, tell him “I know what I saw and I’m not going to argue about what I saw or didn’t see because its just the latest thing in a long list of things. There’s a problem and we need to do couples counseling”. During counseling you can encourage him to seek individual help for a porn addiction if he has one. And if you have an object 3rd party counselor backing you up it will carry a lot more weight. Don’t make it the focus of things initially, because you have to work up to it.
45+ minutes 2-3x/day is addiction. That’s insane. That alone is enough to tell him he needs to see a professional. The other stuff is just icing on that dry crusty cake.
oh boy, another one lost to the ’hub. My ex was like this, and if ever date again, only open relationships from now on. I can’t imagine being with someone who had to use viagra to fuck and homie isn’t even 40 yet, good grief. I‘d say ”enjoy your porn, I’m gonna go catch a dick IRL”.
If he’s watching porn and masturbating 2-3 hours a day, how does he even have time to hold down a job?
you mentioned that you basically spend every minute of every day together except when he’s in the bathroom. I imagine that his habit is honestly more about taking personal space and personal time to do something nice for himself than anything else. Try to tone down the codependency a bit, spend some time apart each day engaging in your own activities. He might, at first, still use all of this time to masturbate, but I imagine that eventually he will remember that he had hobbies he used to enjoy alone and regain them, or find new ones.
Of course he is lying. Wait a week. Sit next to him and have him open the phone for you to go through. If he responds in anyway but SURE, you know everything you need to know.
>Is this common for married men to do?
It may be. I know I’ve never even thought of doing such, but I don’t know.
But — yet again — even if it’s common, that doesn’t make it desirable, or even acceptable. You can be not OK with it.
This isn’t behavior that cultivates trust and intimacy. I think it would be hard for most people in a marriage to give of themselves vulnerably and physically to someone so secretive with suspicious habits.
If he does have an addiction that is going to take on a life of its own until he decides to take ownership and deal with it.
The question is, if he isn’t open to telling you anything about what’s going on, what are you going to do? Is the relationship as it currently stands working for you? Can you continue to trust him? Is he doing anything to earn your trust?
You can’t force him to show you anything but you do have some serious considering to do if these are the realities of your intimacy. I think it’s worth trying to have some honest conversations about your concerns, ask questions about habits that worry you, ask where he is coming from, and pursue as much clarity as you can through communication so you can make a decision for what you want to do in response to all this. If he’s a vault and shares nothing, that’s a massive problem to consider in assessing the state of your relationship. Try not to go into these conversations like an attack dog but it’s ok to show your fears and concerns and ask him to really share what’s going on with you. It’s not a guarantee he’ll tell the truth but hopefully what you need to know will come into the light.
I’m so sorry you’re having to experience the stress and hurt of this situation. The what ifs of this situation must be really hard to handle right now. I hope you are able to get the answers you need to find your way forward.