Me and my bf decide to make salsa, a bit late in the day tbh, which was my bad, I admit.
My stepdad was complaining that I was taking his counter space and I said sorry, and he yells “chop chop!” At my boyfriend who was chopping stuff, who is very startled. So I finish the salsa, put it in a container and go to leave. And my stepdad starts yelling at us for going upstairs when he’s about to cook, when we should be helping and not being lazy. I’m like ok, I understand, but he almost never cook? He usually sits on the couch while my mom cooks after her long day of her work, even we he doesn’t have work that day. But that’s not relevant I guess
So he starts barking orders at us and I’m used to it but my boyfriend is freaking out. He’s not yelling exactly but he’s quite loud and scary if you’re not used to it. He says set up a “fajita line” so we could serve ourselves, so my bf gets out what he thinks we need. But my stepdad comes back and yells at him for not getting out sour cream and cheese saying “it’s a fajita! What goes on a fajita?!” (I was busy with the tortilla) even though my stepdad didn’t say what to get out specifically, and my boyfriend only got out what was specified.
While my boyfriend is looking for a bowl, my boyfriend asks him about it and my stepdad goes “use your eyes dammit!” My stepdad continues to make comments like these. My boyfriend is already nervous and fumbling, and whenever he asks questions my stepdad yells at him to figure it out.
Stepdad steps outside. My boyfriend is on the verge of tears. He’s like me, with bad social anxiety and hates being yelled at. But I don’t think I really understood how freaked out he was, cause this is always how my stepdad is. It’s hard to explain over text, but he kinda walks into a room and acts like he’s overseeing everything and that everyone should listen to him. Very demanding, hates to be told he’s wrong. He kinda expects everyone to listen to him, especially those younger, and women. My mom has called him “the dictator” as a joke. I’ve always gone along with it cause I hate conflict. But I’m realizing this behavior is upsetting to my boyfriend. I’m realizing also that this behavior is just shitty on my stepdads part.
Stepdad comes back in, gets onto my boyfriend for putting out the wrong type of plates, saying stuff like “what’s wrong with your ears?” My boyfriend this entire time btw is just going “yes sir” and doing his best. My brother and his friend arrive, boyfriend gets more freaked out from all the people. Stepdad is still being domineering. I ask my bf to go get my water from my room so he can get out for a bit and I think he wanted to leave cause he looks very freaked out. Minutes later he says “oh I’m sorry, my mom came early I have to go” and left before dinner.
I’m kinda realizing that my stepdads behavior was shitty. But that’s just how he treats everyone, including me. And I don’t want to acknowledge that it’s shitty, cause it means he’s been treating me like shit all the 10 years I’ve lived with him and I’ve just let it happen. I told my mom what happened, she said like “oh he didn’t mean that, he was just like that as a joke, he doesn’t hate him” but I don’t think it matters what his intention was, he was still an ass. And he’s always like that.
My boyfriend was very sad and nervous, and said he wished he would’ve stayed and “pushed through it”. But tbh if I was him I would’ve cried too. What do I do? I hated knowing my boyfriend felt that frightened in the house. I’ve asked my mom to talk to my stepdad about being nicer before, but honestly, I don’t have the courage to ask him myself.
Tl;DR- Stepdad was being rude to my boyfriend and freaking him out. But that’s my stepdads natural behavior. Idk how to fix this
29 comments
Your stepdad is an abusive POS. You and your mom have normalized it for so long, it has completely eroded your sense of reality.
Your boyfriend’s reaction is normal for anyone who isn’t used to being a doormat and emotional punching bag. His reaction should be illuminating. I feel sorry for your mom that she is trapped in this, but you don’t have to be.
No one should treat anyone this way. When you excuse and allow it, you demean yourself and anyone else (like your boyfriend) that you subject to this abuse.
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Ask your stepdad if it makes him feel like a big man to push little kids around Infront of your mom
Your stepdad is rude as fuck. He doesn’t have to like you. He doesn’t have to like your boyfriend. But courtesy should still be extended and politeness should rule. Also because now your boyfriend gets the chance to tell his parents that your stepdad is an abusive POS. Usually, abusers like to keep up appearances, so it takes longer to find that out. Your stepdad got a kick out of scaring your BF, so he switched it up.
You should ask your mom if you from now on can visit your BF for salsa and what not. Your BF doesn’t have to expose himself to abuse and shouldn’t feel bad about pushing through. You’ve been trained to this abuse, he hasn’t been. “Stepdad may have made a joke, but boyfriend told his parents and they don’t approve of boyfriend being near stepdad again. They didn’t think it was funny.”
Agree with others, your SD is controlling, verbally abusive and a massive AH. Your mom is worse tho for putting up with it and allowing her kids to be emotionally abused by a bully. Speak to your mom and let her know how unacceptable his behaviour is and how she is not setting a good example for you. Chances are she will still stay with your SD as she has become desensitized to his actions, some women will put up with alot just to keep a man. As for your bf, probably not a good idea for him to visit your house, he doesn’t deserve the stress of putting up with a tyrant. I feel for you, best thing to do is wait it out and when you go off to school you won’t have to put up with SD bs as much.
If you are truly sorry don’t put him in that type of situation ever again.
Ha. Sounds very similar to my then girlfriends dad when I was 16. We are married now and he hasn’t changed much in 13 years. Good luck, at some point, you’ll have to set boundaries, but for now I’d recommend you just try to avoid pissing him off.
Wow. If I was your bf I wouldn’t be coming back. The fact that you didn’t stick up for him is crazy and if you were too afraid to, then there is a bigger problem. Your stepdad sounds abusive, you and your mother need to get far away before it escalates.
You suck for saying absolutely nothing to defend him and tell your step dad to chill out
Hopefully your bf sees the red flags and peaces out
Just had my relationship end because of my girlfriends family. they treat her like shit but its all she’s known so she puts up with it and goes back to it. and just like hers, your stepdad is a pos, its crazy that people put up with that type of behavior. i worry about you and your mother, homes should not be like that.
Being shitty to everyone doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. It just means he’s so abusive that there are no circumstances under which he can behave like a decent human being. It doesn’t have to be “personal” for it to be unacceptable, degrading and vile.
There is no way to fix this if your mother isn’t willing to protect you from him. She would need to leave him and take you with her. Or you could see if another relative will take you until the end of high school. But your BF should never step foot in your house again. And, if you said ANYTHING to minimize or excuse the step-dad’s actions like you did here (he does it to everyone, it’s a joke, etc.) then your boyfriend should dump you for being ok with him getting treated like that.
Your step-dad has been emotionally abusing you for ten years. And you are excusing it, and asking someone else to accept it so that you don’t have to acknowledge that. You need a lot of therapy, and you’re not ready to be in a relationship if these are your priorities.
Your step dad sounds like a real cool guy. I wonder what your mom sees in him.
Probably pays the bills and that’s it, huh?
No one deserves to be yelled like that. I hope he is never put in that situation again and moves on
>. And I don’t want to acknowledge that it’s shitty, cause it means he’s been treating me like shit all the 10 years I’ve lived with him and ~~I’ve just let it happen~~
your mom let it happen. she has a duty to you and she failed it.
Hey OP. I was you at this age.
My mom was incredibly abusive and I didn’t realize it. I had lived with her for my entire life and didn’t know anything else.
My dad was physically abusive, so my mom got us out of that situation, but she was just as emotionally abusive as him (and occasionally physically as well).
Don’t listen to the people saying he should leave you or that you’re an asshole for not standing up for him.
These people have clearly never been afraid of someone. For fuck’s sake, you’re a 17 year old girl who has no choice but to live with them. When you’ve lived with an abusive person for basically your whole life, you don’t know better. You’ve never had the *chance* to know better and you probably didn’t know that there even *is* better.
My boyfriend stayed with me regardless. We limited contact between him and my mom when we could and I left when I was 18.
We’ve been going strong for 3 years now.
If he leaves because he can’t tolerate the abuse, I wouldn’t say he’s wrong. It isn’t necessarily his responsibility to put up with the behavior, but it isn’t *your* fault either.
You’ll be an adult in a year. Leaving at 18 isn’t easy and I only got out because of college, but you’ll have more options when you’re 18. If you both can hang on til then, I don’t think it’s a bad idea.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s *your* fault for a *grown man’s* behavior. Just get out when you can. Good luck.
It’s unfortunate that your step dad acts like this around your boyfriend and giving very uncomfortable and rude comments! At this point, consider seeing your boyfriend outside your house!
My sister and I lived with my father when we were 19 and 21 because of money. My sister invited a friend who drove about 2 hours to come visit. They were playing video games and talking like 19 year old girls do, occasionally squealing or yelling in good fun. The house was small, and my dad worked from home. I did my best to warn my sister that he was getting frustrated, and she did her best to shush, but they were young teen girls and having fun. In the end, he came into my sisters room and screamed for a solid minute.
My sister and I accepted this as the result of our actions, and had little to no reaction. My sister’s friend immediately burst into tears, and I remember thinking “what is her problem?”
Even though her home was 2 hours away and she had intended to stay a few nights, she left within an hour.
It was the first time I realized as an adult that there were parents out there that didn’t raise their children that way. To accept verbal and physical abuse as part of life and do everything possible to control your own behavior to not “trigger” the abusive adult.
I am sorry that your mother and you have to live in this world. I hope that when you become an adult you’re able to leave that environment as soon as possible. Please apologize to your boyfriend and do your best not to put him in that situation again. He hasn’t had to build up his own emotional defenses and suppress his feelings to cater to an abuser. Realize that this means that men who act like your stepfather are the EXCEPTION, and your boyfriend being kind, gentle, and emotional is the NORM.
I would strongly encourage you to seek therapy as an adult so that you can see that this “natural demeanor” is not natural or normal. Personally, I ended up in an abusive relationship as an adult because I thought it was normal for men to act that way. It took me years to unlearn how not to feel my emotions so I wouldn’t be hurt by abuse. I wish you the best of luck.
Yes, your step dad’s behavior sucks. But maybe more important to note, your sweet, sensitive boyfriend’s boundaries were crossed and he reacted as such. It’s hard to know what to do when you are a guest in someone else’s home and the host treats you poorly. I think him making an excuse to leave was a safe survival tactic.
Your stepdad is abusive. You shouldn’t feel bad about realizing it just because you’ve learned to put up with it.
You’re probably not going to change your stepfather, and your mother (who’s responsible for him) probably isn’t either. Stay away from him as much as you can, especially when with BF, and when your mom asks why, tell her it’s because of SF’s abusive demeanor/language.
Hopefully you won’t live with him too much longer.
>I’m kinda realizing that my stepdads behavior was shitty. But that’s just how he treats everyone, including me. And I don’t want to acknowledge that it’s shitty, cause it means he’s been treating me like shit all the 10 years I’ve lived with him and **I’ve just let it happen.**
OP, you were *seven* when you started living with him. What choice did you have here? The problem is your mom, who stayed with a verbally abusive asshole of a man and who allowed him to treat you that way. This isn’t your fault, you have no power to change this situation, and you’ve learned to deal with it as best you can.
It’s good that you’ve now seen that what your mom and stepdad tried to make you think was “normal” was abusive, because you’ll be better able to avoid this kind of person in your adult life. For now, you’re a kid, and you don’t have many choices here or any power to change your stepdad or your mom.
Wow your stepdad is an ass. The worst I ever did was challenge the girls bf to eat some spicy wings.
your stepdad is such an ass lol.
Your stepdad is a massive piece of human garbage. I feel bad for your mom.
Your step dad is abusive. I hope you realize this. I hope your boyfriend never goes to your house again as he doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit. Its your mom who subjected you to this shit. She married an abusive man and defends his abuse. She defends a man who abuses her own children. One day you’ll realize how messed up this is, because neither your mom nor your step dad care about you in the least. Hopefully you can hold on to the bond with your brother though.
I’m a step dad. My wife’s kids are my kids and they adore me. That guy is a toxic asshole. Work hard to get out of that house.
Your mom let’s your step dad verbally abuse you to the point you think it’s normal and your bf should ‘push through’. It’s not normal. Your mother has failed you as a apparently. Parents don’t normally treat children that way. He is an asshole and it’s perfectly reasonable that your bf was upset and left. You need to find a way to see your bf not at your house, because it’s not a safe environment.
Your mom sounds pretty shitty too
Your stepdad is abusive. Your mom allowed him to be abusive to you. You can not ask your boyfriend to stay around someone who is abusive just because you are around an abusive asshole. He stayed longer than I would have.
Stop excusing it as “his natural behavior”. This is called enabling. Your mom is also enabling him. I know it’s hard to look at a situation you’ve been in your whole life and say “this is abuse, I’ve been abused”. I grew up thinking everyone was scared of their dad and everyone’s dad was mean and hit them and yelled and that was normal. Because it was normal for me, that’s the only way I knew a dad to act. Then I would go over to other peoples home and that wasn’t the case.
Spend time with your boyfriend elsewhere away from home if you can but do not expect him to come back into an abusive environment.