I (27f ) have no sex drive. It has slowly gone down until there is no drive at all. Now when I think of sex it it’s just boring, long, painful, one sided and empty. So I have no desire at all. I am also on the pill ( have been for 7 years) which ruins hormones too, but when we do have sex, not trying to have kids. Plus I use the pill to skip periods, which I am not eager to give up either.
My first RX killed libido within the first month, so I switched. Second one made every PMS symptom way worse, like please don’t hug me my boobs hurt too much. So switched. Third was fine for a few years, slowing sex drive but slooowww coming, then they switched to generic. Killed it. Switched again, made me gain 20lbs in 2 months. And now I’m 6 weeks into a current RX with higher testosterone that my Dr hopes will fix. Still too early to tell, but not hopeful.
I have tried herbal supplements that are suppose to help. Gave me worst period in my life, stopped. Now taking supplements to balance hormones in general, not hopeful there either.
I say all this to say I’ve tried fixing the problem.
Now my fiance (33m) has a super high sex drive. 5-7 nights a week preferred. Which even at my highest point is a bit intense. Max like 3, 4 if the time is right. But since I have gotten so lax we are closer to once ever 10-14 days. So he is not happy and I feel bad. And it’s starting to bleed frustration into other parts of our relationship too.
He wants me to initiate. But I don’t want to do it at all so I don’t until I feel guilty about it being so long. I want sex to be interesting, not the same thing every time with me doing all the work. But I also don’t want anything from him sexually. I have told him just scratch my back and I’m good, but he does for a bit then goes all the way down with his hands ( positioning works the way we do it) so I get annoyed. Which makes me not want to do it any time soon. He says he feels like he is taking advantage of me when he initiates, which I have assured him is not the case.
The whole thing is making him frustrated and feeling unappreciated and the only thing I can do is just grin and bear it.
I love him to death and think he is the sexiest man I have ever known, but that doesn’t translate to me wanting to give a BJ every night for like 30 mins.
We have talked about all of this but have no solutions, just communication.
So does anyone have any advice? Girls who wrecked their hormones and ways to fix it. Guys who have been on that side or just anything cuz I don’t want this issue to last forever and always be a hurdle on our marriage.
Edit to add: I’m not looking to make him the bad guy or anything, cuz its not anyone’s fault or single issue.
TL/DR : I (F27) have no sex drive from, likely, hormonal birth control and my fiance (m33) is hurt and frustrated I
have no desire to keep up with even half of his sex drive and it’s ballooning into a bigger issue.
13 comments
have you thought about an IUD, or him getting a vasectomy if kids are completely out of the question for the two of you.
Coming at this as a straight guy, I’m getting the impression that he’s just not very interested in your pleasure. Hormonal bc may be a factor, but if he’s expecting you to initiate and the resulting sex is boring, long, painful, and one-sided… It sounds like he’s not remotely worried about if you’re enjoying it. He certainly should be.
Have you talked about what you want from sex, what feels good, spots / positions that work, etc? Do you know these things for yourself? Are there things you want to try? Open communication is so key with making sex enjoyable but can easily be overlooked. Maybe the birth control is keeping your sex drive down but sex should still be enjoyable for you if you’re having it.
Just get the copper IUD. Why mess with these hormones when you know it’s messing you up?
Pain with sex can be issues with vaginal atrophy too. A topical estrogen cream and fix that, ask your doctor about it. Force them to give it to you unless they can really say a reason not to. They’ll try to ignore you about it but it fixes a lot of issues women have. Just repeat sex is painful. They’ll say it’s only for menopause but these hormones are putting you in similar hormonal issues. At least try it out if you can.
5-7 times a week is a lot tho. Especially if you don’t want any.
You’re libidos are Mismatched and they may be forever.
Also 30 min BJ’s. Dude should be busting in 5 mins max. He needs to stop jerking off so much or always use lube. He probably has a dulled feeling from jerking off too much, called death grip syndrome.
Or he just has delayed ejaculation.
He needs to get himself close then you take over. So maybe you guys kiss while he jerks it for 5-8 mins or so then you take over.
Or do something you enjoy but sounds like nothing is enjoyable now.
I’ve been in your position and there are a couple of things that I think helped in my situation.
Firstly was that my partner ultimately accepted that we are never going to have as much sex as at the top end of his libido. We’re never going to have sex every single day. It’s just not happening. And he has worked to be okay with that.
We also had trouble with the initiation blame game. I have made an effort to initiate as much as I feel comfortable with, but another thing we do is if I feel like I’m receptive but don’t fancy initiating, we have a “code” where I’ll put a certain ornament out on the shelf and then when he sees it, he knows he can initiate and won’t be rejected. This is just one idea but it works well for us and it adds a sense of it being a bit of a game, which takes the seriousness out of things and keeps it lighthearted.
Finally, and you might not want to hear this, but I did make the decision to come off hormonal birth control. I enjoyed the convenience of having regular, controllable periods, and I was reluctant to give that up, but ultimately it got to a point where I had to recognise that my relationship was more important to me. I don’t know if it was just placebo effect but coming off the pill has done wonders for me feeling more connected to myself and my body.
ETA: I answered based on my own experience, but on reflection just want to add – your partner also needs to care about making sex enjoyable for you. If you find it boring and one-sided, you need to be able to communicate to him what will make it more enjoyable, and he needs to be able to take that on board. If he refuses to care about your pleasure or refuses to engage with you on this, then none of the things I’ve said above will work.
“Boring, long, painful, one sided and empty”
“I want sex to be interesting, not the same thing every time with me doing all the work”
The biological aspect of your libido mismatch aside, he is straight up not a good lover if that is your constant sexual experience. Have you brought up that part of the issue, or have the conversations been centered solely on you being ‘naturally’ in the mood? Why *would* you want to f*** every night if your pleasure is not on the menu? Dude needs to put in more effort and you should make sure you’re communicating how he can make it better for you
I’m a bit biased, but the fact that we women accept tons of discomforts, collateral effects and so on instead of just using a condom is pretty insane imo. Especially in case like yours where collateral effects are clear and evident.
And I’m saying this for you. Not for your boyfriend.
He should get a vasectomy. You have done your part trying to make birth control work for your relationship. It’s time for him to step up and stop watching you suffer. Vasectomies are generally reversible and he can freeze his sperm if he wants kids.
You say it’s one sided and there also seemed to be a lack of foreplay. I don’t think it’s totally the birth control causing lack of libido, I think it’s the fact you’re dealing with a selfish lover. I wouldn’t be horny either if my needs consistently felt like they were having to take a backseat for HIS pleasure.
“One sided” “don’t wanna give a bj for 30 minutes each night” sounds like he’s a boring and selfish sexual partner… can’t exactly blame you for that
I have been in your situation. My ex never engaged in any kind of foreplay, so it made sex very painful (made me bleed every time) and was always only about him getting off. I tried to talk with him about it, but he wasn’t interested. It got to the point where I physically felt ill when he asked or tried to initiate, and he would get angry and tell me I was broken, forcing himself on me, etc. It ultimately led to our marriage ending.
You need to communicate with your partner. Engage in foreplay, not just you with him, but him with you. Try branching out- toys, roleplay, whatever. I think if you communicate and are both willing to invest in finding a solution, you will be okay. You also need to come to an understanding about not having sex as much as he may want it – there needs to be a compromise there, particularly since your drive is down. It can be something you revisit later, but at least for the time being, it needs to be set.
Good luck!
I highly recommend reading “come as you are”. It helped me understand a lot about female sexuality. I’d also echo what people are saying about hormonal birth control, although I know that’s not necessarily easy. I’m personally childfree and I was wracked with anxiety about getting pregnant. I got sterilized last year and stopped my hormonal bc and it was life changing.
He needs to wear condoms.
Why wasn’t this brought up earlier? I know lots of people in monogamous relationships where condoms are used because hormonal birth control doesn’t work well.
What does sex actually look like for you guys? 30 minutes for a blow job is a long time. Also stop with the “he’s the series man ever” stuff if you admit sex is painful and one sided to the point where you have 0 sex drive.