Seems to be a reoccurring thing for me I can’t seem to find someone where the interest is equal.
I’m not the worst looking guy and can be a mix of outgoing and quiet at times. I can go out with friends and have fun meeting new women and may kiss a few here and there and on the rare occasion we may hook up. But nothing really ever comes from these, I feel like I almost do it because I lack that physical intimacy in my day to day life.
I’m also the type of person that once interested in someone will focus all my attention onto them and no one else. However, I’ve noticed a recurring theme that those who I end up really interested in don’t share the same interest level in me, then there have been people who are really interested in me and I just don’t ‘feel’ it.
I’ve even given it ago because I thought maybe my feelings could grow for them? But I just couldn’t, it felt like I was having to fake interest and that it was not fair on the girl so I let her know that I only saw her as a friend and that she should find someone who feels the same about her. But still she insists that she wants me.. I’ve had to just ignore her in the end.
It’s annoying and I feel bad because the same thing will happen to me in the people I like.
Not sure what to do? Do I just settle or stay alone? Anyone else experienced this?
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This is very common and it happens to some degree to nearly everyone. It’s just a statistical phenomenon.
Most people want to date someone that’s a bit more attractive than they are. Attractive people often know they’re attractive, so they get picky and very selective.
Unattractive people often know they’re not that attractive, so they often adjust and become less picky.
So that’s why it may seem that unattractive people like you and attractive people don’t. Because that’s what most often happens.
Keep playing the game though, and you are likely to find someone that you find attractive that also finds you attractive in return. The reason is that there is considerable interpersonal differences in taste.
So just keep at it. Eventually you’ll hit it off with someone.
Either you need to upgrade yourself to become the interest of who you are interested in or adjust your expectations to date the people who are interested in you. Or third option carry on with the same pattern
Story of my life.
Who are you interested in and who’s interested in you?
Say $/age/job/ hobbies for each please, just if you could?
Just to see if it’s in there somewhere, the disconnect.
Remember my soapbox, extroverted people will ask out extroverts and introverts, but not for the same reason. Introverts get asked out by both, but usually only the introverts asking are interested. The extroverts asking are just being nice.
So “interested in”, doesn’t mean just asking out. It means interest.
This isn’t interest. https://youtu.be/oc5O6xNF2
This is: https://youtu.be/ynzlZVlxLzk
Here’s a guy doing the right thing, just because she handles it really badly doesn’t mean he’s not right.
https://youtu.be/sij4r12cVHo
The way you know is buy in, they get to a point where a slight adjustment or change is required, then they either jump at the chance or balk.
Also, asking out strangers only works ten percent off the time, so you’re probably doing just right too.
Look closer. What makes the girls you like not interested in you. What makes you not interested in the girls that are into you?
The key is in how you treat them. See, when you’re all about a chick you probably exhibit eagerness, a lot of effort, time of day and shit like that. The girls you don’t like, you basically have to ignore. The girls that ignore you make you like them more. The girls you ignore like you more.
I’m not saying ignore or be a dick, but there’s something in there. Just dig a little deeper and adjust.
You’re not alone. Currently trying to figure this out myself…l tend to be eager when I like someone and it ends up no where because the other person doesn’t match emotionally. But when I treat men as if we don’t owe each other anything, they tend to pursue me more. But it still doesn’t go anywhere serious. I don’t plan on settling, and I don’t place expectations on others. I can only be hopeful that my best efforts will someday align me with someone compatible for me. For every person that isn’t right for me I am thankful for dodging those bullets.
I have the SAME DAMN PROBLEM. I also over think a lot.
This is very normal. Everyone is trying to shoot just a little out of their league.
I can relate but OLD doesn’t help. You need to really have a great profile and it’s not in men’s favor
“Oh, what’s the point? When I like them, they don’t like me, when they like me, I don’t like them.”
– George Costanza
Man I’ve been dealing with this for quite some time. Don’t let it discourage you from dating though! Trust me man. If things don’t work out then test your luck somewhere else. Dating is supposed to be fun!
You aren’t alone. I’m conventionally attractive (pretty, petite, thin) but I’m flat as a board even after a boob job and have pretty narrow hips. I’m mostly attracted black guys, who for the most part are mostly attracted (I feel) to curvier, non-white women. So 90% of the time I’m out I’m getting rejected by at least one guy, even though I get swarmed by white dudes at most clubs.
Feeling you re trying to fill up for lack of everyday intimacy, also being single-minded re one girl at a time (good for marriage, ultimately, remember ladies). Always horrible also saying no to someone who’s not quite right for you when they’re single-minded about us. On the mismatch thing, some find that if they try people with more distant genetics, that can work well, espesh if average looking. Or try a different place to the one where everyone knows each other.
I agree with what Norwegian Doggo said but to add to it. Improve yourself so that the people you’re attracted to may find you attractive or drop the standards a bit so you can find those people who are in to you a bit more attractive.
You can also stay the same but i personally think that nets the least results. Nothing is guaranteed. You can improve and still be shit out of luck. But at least you’re trying to improve your odds. Keep on putting yourself out there and things will work out eventually. All in all, dating is a numbers game to a vast degree. Good luck
Sounds like highschool lol.
Been there though. Usually has to do with where I spend my time. The more I go to the library, book and game stores, or conventions, the more people I find who are interested in me. Even if it’s just for a short fling, which is fun while it lasts, but kinda depressing in the long run.
Welcome to the club
We’re all going through it man
Happens more often than not. But I think you may need to go where you are celebrated. I dealt with this, trying to get with women who I liked but were bad for me. So I started changing my mindset and looking at what is really important to me in a relationship. Once I did that, it was way easier to meet someone. I ended up meeting someone that seems perfect for me and we are happily in a relationship. I think if I would have still be focused on certain women, then I would have missed my chance with my gf.
Basically gotta become the man of your dreams before you can be the man of hers. Or adjust your outlook and think about what is really important to you for a relationship.
Honestly, and a lot of people don’t want to hear this but, the experience of tomorrow is based on the feelings/emotions and vibrational state you hold today. Therefore if you base your emotional and vibrational state using the outward material experience of today (I keep attracting people who I am not interested in and I cannot attract the people I do desire) you will continue the circle of exactly what you’re getting right now. Therefore you have to pretend imagine create the feeling that “yes I am finally attracting people that I am attracted to and they are attracted to me” you have to imagine the feelings inside you would have when you get this as if it’s happening right now. This is all based on the secret (which left out alot of key information) Abraham hicks (channeled spiritual wisdom) dr joe dispenza. All the $ love health manifestation crap all comes down to this. The feelings and vibration you hold today is creating or maintaining your external experience. Therefore if you aren’t happy you have to ignore the reality, go inside and pretend that you are living the one you truly desire or would choose. When you can imagine and hold those loving emotions inside, love money and anything else you could want will come. The only problem is that we soooooo heavily resist this truth based on our past experience which were for most of us created based on lack fear and negativity. Change the thoughts change your life. Hold the emotion on something small and as you prove to yourself that it’s true you can use it for bigger and bigger creations. Good luck, ✌️& ❤️
Felt this so hard why do the guys I want don’t want me but the guys who want me I don’t want 🤣🤣🤣
Couple tips bro. First, what are other guys saying to you about this? What’s their feedback like? What do you think is going on? Your friends, if they truly are your friends can help steer you in a better direction (maybe you need new friends) Second. You don’t sound like you have a purpose you’re striving for. That’s important especially for us average dudes. Women are very much attracted to ambition and working towards something bigger and better. Mature Women don’t want to feel like a man’s main pursuit is them or they don’t want to feel idolized by their man. This is why desperation from guys is such a turn off to women. Third. If you replace “equal” with perfection, then you and I could both agree you’ve made a ridiculous statement when you said “I can’t seem to find someone where the interest is equal”. Get that nonsense out of your head, bro. One person will ALWAYS pursue the other person more. Equal is like perfection it’s an aim for better BUT its not an attainable reality. Fourth, never settle. Keep Pushing forward. Do the next right thing. Maybe stop pursuing women and start doing some inner work for a solid time. You got this, dude. Don’t quit✊🏽
Most relatable post ever.. keep shooting dawg
This is a common symptom of trying to date outside of your league.
Yeah, it happens to work this way like 95% of the time.
I think maybe you want a relationship badly and you aren’t giving yourself enough time to be able to get to know people better. Drop obsessing over the “one” until you get to that point, even then, you should want to give off the air that you can stand on your own two feet and give space as much as she needs it. Steady strength helps for lady to get comfortable. Too much focus, to easy in their book. They’ll lose interest quick, and you’ll be unbalanced when one, you really like, starts pulling away because you were coming across as clingy(desperate), which happens to be a total turn off.
Slow and steady, you need no one to complete you. You are enough for you. You might have to fake it at first, but “if you bring your ass, your mind will,” eventually, “follow.”
Just keep going until your circle of interest overlaps with someone else’s.
“You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can’t win
And so it goes
‘Til the day you die
This thing they call love
It’s gonna make you cry…”
That pretty much everyone life. Personaly my best bet is to actually learn to know them BEFORE anything happen (even dates).. Sure sometimes It may feel like I send mixed signals and I feel bad for that but I rather think about “where is this going exactly and is it REALLY a good match or simply physical attraction and/or some common interests which make it seem like a fit?” for weeks/months (depending on how much time I can share with the person no matter the stage of the “relationship” than becoming too focused on it just for it to fall flat and get pissed off.
I know it tough in 2023 as every relationship is completly disposable and peoples just jump from one to another but if you are really looking for a partner that fit the bill (and think the same about you) it most likely your best course of actions imo.
That the issue with dating apps or jumping straight to dating when you barely know the person. More often than not you are dating a “mask” that the person put on and I rather see them for who they are outside of an official “situationship” first THEN do a move it really worth our time.
Read the book “Attached”. Seriously.it will help you so much!
Aw man, story of my life. All I can really say is that you only have to meet the right person once. Don’t give up!
If by “settle”, you mean force yourself to accept a relationship with someone you don’t really like, definitely don’t do that. I wasted four years in a relationship with “Mr Pretty Good” because I couldn’t find my Mr Right, and my heart was never truly in it, I don’t feel like his was either. Don’t give up either, though. My best advice is not to overthink it. I didn’t see anywhere how old you are, but I’m guessing you still have plenty of food years in you, so don’t panic. It might be helpful to examine your standards, and make sure you’re not being too critical of potential partners, and if you’re not, great! Be patient and keep your eyes and ears open, love usually finds us when we stop looking.
So the same. 41 female, and I very rarely like anyone, so when I finally do like someone…I have a tendency to obsess over them. Now, I don’t directly show them this…but they must be able to sense it somehow, because it’s always the same outcome that you’re describing. The ones I couldn’t care less about, however…I could ignore them every day, and they’d still want me. It’s so weird and I have no advice, lol. Just letting you know you’re not alone.
That’s somewhat common. Everyone wants to reach for the most desirable partner they can get. Those most excited over the idea of you will be those feeling like maybe you’re at the top of their reach. Those you’re most excited about are going to be the ones you believe may be at the upper end or your reach.
You’ve got your wires crossed, man! Who says you have to settle for anything? You are devoting yourself to people who don’t reciprocate, and shunning those that do! In my opinion, you should just continue to meet people, and don’t be so dismissive to the people who express interest in you! Sometimes a diamond in the rough can transform into a brilliant piece of creative artwork!
tbh I feel like something (mby social media or smth…) has made it so that everyone is looking for higher then they should statistically be doing. Which leads to dysfunction in the dating market in general. Because the matches people can make are with people they feel like they are 2 good for. It’s like everyone is looking for a partner 1 point 2 high on a 1-10 scale and thus making a satisfactory match always 2 points away 🙁 1 for your looking higher and 1 for the other person also doing that.
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Hope we fix it at some point but I understand the feeling completely.
don’t take it so seriously. Date for fun. You might not be supper into someone right away but it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. dating doesn’t mean forever it means hang for a bit. be safe!
Happens to alot of ppl. Very rare interest is equal.
> I just settle or stay alone?
Neither. Wait for the right person.
This problem goes back to the time when we we’re huddling around a campfire and wearing animal skins.
Story of my life brah lol 😂.. they like me, I don’t like them.. I like them, they don’t like me.. tbh I’ve given up even looking
The story of my life too. Finding a two way match is one in 10,000.
The polarity of the world has been reversed lol.
Could it be that you’re overeager when you approach the people that you’re interested in instead of taking the time to get to know them? I thought this might be likely as you said you only focus on one person alone, which can backfire because you’re so focused on a specific outcome for that relationship. No one likes the feeling of being rushed into liking someone back, it takes time to form a genuine connection. That’s why the people you don’t like seem to like you the most, because you’re more yourself and generally more chill around than someone you think you have to “win over.”
Next time you find someone attractive try to treat them as you would a friend. Don’t put them on a pedestal or focus so intensely on where the connection is going. This also explains why people who are taken seem to think they get hit on the most compared to when they’re single, because you’re not trying to impress anyone else. My advice is instead of going so hard after a specific person focus on other areas of your life while doing so. It’s way more attractive when I meet someone who wants me but doesn’t need me to fulfill their life.
You probably like girls who are above your league and have a distorted view of yourself probably because you think you’re attractive, you feel entitled to a certain type of women but those women maybe choosing men for more than just their looks.
This may also be the reason you reject the women who want you…subconsciously or not, you think you’re better than them. Most men have this issue as they tend to focus on superficial attributes of women while getting mad when women want them or leave them for superficial reasons. The irony
Another reason might be that you’re one of those people who gets stuck in fantasy land, always wanting what you dont have while ignoring everything real that’s actually within your reach. Addicted to the chase, dreaming and fantasizing
I had the same (at least similar) issue growing up.
As I got older, I realized there are more important things than just looks. So I forced myself to expand my horizons. Date those I wasn’t interested in to discover if there were any redeeming qualities that compliment my own.
It was an adventure! I’ve got so many stories! End result, people are worth giving a chance.
I wasn’t interested in my late wife at first. She won me over, as it turned out she was an amazing woman. Her strengths complimented my own. We pushed each other to be better people. We had enough in common to enjoy each other’s company. Enough difference to keep it interesting.
Expand your horizons. Be a better you. Enjoy the ride.
It’s always like that. What you’re talking about is the initial attraction part. We all go through it. I bet you’re wondering how do people get together when this issue you’re referring to is an occurring theme, right? Most of the time the couples you see have known each other a while, built attraction and then made a go at it. You should give it a shot.
I think the first step is figuring out really specifically what you find attractive about the people you like and unattractive about the people you don’t. Not just physically, but all their qualities. It’s not about settling, it’s about understanding what actually works. You can change what you’re attracted to, to at least some degree. But if you’re only letting yourself be attracted to the most flawless specimens, and your standards really are unreasonable, or you’re expecting these hypothetical people to accept a tradeoff in dating you that you aren’t willing to make, you’ll have a lot of work to do. For example, if you’re thinking “I’m not hot, but I’ve got a good job, or I’m smart or funny,” while only chasing hot women and not considering women’s careers/intelligence/humor, you’re creating that problem for yourself.
On the flipside, do some real soul searching about what women find attractive in you, and what is not working in your favor. Be very, very honest with yourself. Sure, some of them might be interested because you’re effectively playing hard to get, but not all of them. And some of them might be uninterested because you’re coming across as low-key clingy, but not all of them. Assuming it’s not psychological warfare, just humans with human feelings, give the benefit of the doubt that most emotionally healthy women aren’t going to run from a man showing appropriate levels of interest, nor will they be entranced by a man because he shows signs of disinterest. And if all the women on both sides are not emotionally healthy, then something is very wrong with your picker.
Everyone who suggests that the answer is to just “drop your standards” doesn’t seem to understand how attraction works. We don’t choose to be attracted to certain people, we just are, I can’t drop my standards to suddenly become attracted to a girl I didn’t find appealing who liked me. If I could I would’ve left this subreddit a long time ago.
Don’t find someone who has the same interests, find someone who has the same values. Interests come and go but values are at your core. If you find someone who has the same values as yourself then you’ll find cohesion easier.