My (24F) Fiancé (28M) went to rehab and since coming back 3 weeks ago seems to have little to no interest in sex.
I hope it goes without saying that I am incredibly proud of him and extremely happy that he got help. I am trying my hardest to be supportive and non judgmental but I am freaking out.
I have read absolute HORROR STORIES on other forums about men getting sober and never wanting to have sex again. I’m a very sexual person and this would definitely be a relationship deal breaker for me.
He is on lexapro now, which I understand can cause problems. He has no problem getting an erection if stimulated just no feelings of arousal.
I really need some support here, someone to tell me there is a light at the end of this tunnel because on top of all the other issues he has had in his recovery this is like icing on a really fucked up cake.
3 comments
First off, it’s so great that you are supportive of your partner and that they have gone through rehab. Since it was recent, they are probably still very much in the thick of a very major life-change and need to adjust so much about their life, from routines to how they interact with everything around them, to continuing to reinforce healthy behaviors and patterns that will help them stay sober. That will definitely take a toll on intimacy.
People need to feel their basic needs are met for intimacy between partners to really happen. Some basics are: Food, shelter, water, rest, safety, and feeling heard. Show interest in these basic things for your partner, make sure they feel safe and happy where they are in life, and what you can do to help them continue to feel supported and heard as they go through this big transition. As you demonstrate interest in these things, it can build intimacy.
Have you talked to them about how you are feeling? When they are in a state that they feel they are happy and good on those basic levels, you can start a basic conversation. Ask them how they feel about sex lately. Do they feel like the medication they are on is impacting them? Do they feel differently about sex than they used to? Ask simple questions, without demonstrating frustration or anger, and them just listen to what they have to say. Remind them you want to know how they are feeling, and that you don’t have any expectations, just want to know more about them.
As you learn more, you can talk and explore more about sex over time. As time goes on things may or may not become more or less like they used to, but they may also change to a new way of connecting. You may need to find new ways to connect on a personal, physical, intimate level together. Talking is always the first step.
Every day we go over the same -ish routine where I ask how he’s doing emotionally, how is his anxiety, is he remembering his meds, is he having cravings/ is something triggering him. Is there anything I can do to help him with recovery. How we feel about our relationship. He can at times be very resistant to talking about it or just insists he fine most of the time.
We try to do at least one activity together a day after I get home from work. Fishing, walking on the beach, etc. I am being the queen of calm/patience and support 90% of the time. He dislikes talking about sex at all but finally he spit out he just doesn’t feel aroused. It’s difficult for him to understand why any of this upsets me.
As another commenter said — it’s definitely possible the Lexapro isn’t helping… but that aside this is a massive life event for him and both of you…im very high libido but big life events have definitely had big short term effects on my libido and interest in sex… also I thought I’ve heard with certain addiction/recovery strategies people have to becareful swapping one vice for another — eg. Swapping the high from sex with the high from drugs or alcohol.