My partner (24m) and I (21f) have been together about a year and a half and have been living together for about a year now. Everything is so great until aunt flo comes every month and ruins our relationship and all conversations. My ability to not overreact is diminished and so is his patience with me. I really can’t even blame him I’m such a bitch (for reason I get terrible pms symptoms including cramps, chronic anxiety, my depression worsens and I’m not easy to deal with and be around). We get in the worst fights over NOTHING and the worst part about it all is it lasts about 2 weeks altogether so it’s the majority of every month and we can’t help but be on each others necks throughout it all. It’s really hard because when I’m in that mindset, I just wanna leave the relationship and think terrible awful things about myself and him, its very straining.
While we are definitely not in a toxic or manipulative relationship, it feels like one during those weeks and I don’t know what to do about it. I recently got menstrual medication that will hopefully help in the future but I’m scared. I don’t want him to leave and I don’t want to do something I’ll regret in the future. I can’t stress enough that this is our only problem. We been living in a new city together for the past four months and I don’t have any friends or know anyone yet enough to run too, I miss my friends. I’ve been completing my very time taxing degree from home for the past year and he doesn’t have a real job yet so we’re always together which really isn’t a problem till that time of the month. He is the sweetest man on the planet but I really wear him down during those days. Any and all advice is welcome, I’m just terrified for the future.
8 comments
Full disclosure: I’m a man aka I don’t have a period.
It seems like you need to take time to process thoughts before they leave your brain. It sounds like he needs to give a bit of grace knowing you’re struggling.
You have got to figure out a way to separate your period/hormones from sabotaging your relationship. If it’s as bad as you say 50% of the time then it’s only a matter of time before you run him away. If you need a therapist for depression and a psychologist for anxiety meds then do it! Take care of you as best you can so you can in turn support your relationship.
It could be pmdd.
That can be managed with medication. You are still young and learning to manage that kind of suffering. Be nice to yourself and do everything you need to feel better about yourself. If you need to distance yourself during that time a bit from your partner he has to accept that. Take care of yourself.
Let’s be frank here, blaming a piss poor attitude towards, and treatment of, your husband on PMS is just bullshit.
Women get upset when men say something about “that time of the month” and yet so many will try to use it as a Get Out Of Jail Free Card for crappy behavior.
This comment is not going to be popular, but there are a lot of folks who will tell you painful periods and bad PMS are not “normal” and that you can improve them by supporting your overall health. Not saying they’ll disappear but you could see improvement. Those same health changes will also improve depression and anxiety. If your mood is so unstable on the meds your doctor prescribed you, what good are they doing?
I’m just another hairy-legged guy, but I am married to an MSN/BSN/RN with decades of women’s health experience including about ten years in an Ob/Gyn practice. It sounds like maybe you’ve talked with your gyno, yes? Keep talking to him or her because they see these symptoms every day. If the meds don’t improve things, go back. Make a team out of your PCP and your gyno.
And during saner times, I wonder about developing a code word. When your boyfriend senses that you’re picking a fight about nonsense, he says that code word to help you identify that the triggers have flipped. If you hear that code word, literally stop what you’re saying mid-sentence, understand that he said it out of love and support, not as an argument for you to rebut. Take a deep breath and reflect for a full minute. Realize what’s going on.
what are you actively doing on a regular basis to manage your anxiety/emotions during this time?
I am going through peri and and let me tell you, these moods are something else but I refuse to let them take over so I am always aware of when I’m not feeling good, then let everyone know that I’m not feeling good and pretty much keep to myself for a few hours until it lets up a bit. Also – I workout every day and eat right so that my moods are manageable. This is the best thing you can do for yourself – regular exercise, a good routine, healthy diet and good sleep really does help keep your moods at bay, even when you feel like they’re terrible (and I know they can be).
I am the same exact way. Now that I am in my 40s I have learned better how to handle it. I wouldn’t have blamed my husband if he left me during the really bad years. I was awful. Literally crazy. I am stubborn so never ever talked about it with a Gyno or psychiatrist. I don’t recommend that, go see someone. Don’t live life in misery.
I also had been on anti depressants during the worst of it and I think they were a contributing factor on how bad things got. You might need to change it up and find something else. My primary doc is very clueless and didn’t help at all. I should have went to a specialist.
Women that don’t go through it won’t understand. I haven’t met another female friend that has had the severe pmdd that I have had. You really start to think you’re nuts. It is some sort of chemical imbalance in your brain/body. I would literally lay in bed and want to die. It’s not just pms and can’t easily be controlled like others think.
PMDD. Get blood work done as well to cover your bases.
It’s hell but it is your responsibility to mitigate the effects with meds and therapy. Not judging, I was a monster for a week a month for a long time. Would just explain to husband that I’m taking space in the evening after all family and chores were done, he learned to be OK with it. Still take space PMS week though symptoms much better. Alcohol and caffeine intake really exacerbate it for me.
Not true for everyone but found unresolved trauma left me very easily triggered with hormone fluctuations. Therapy can help you find better coping mechanisms than lashing out, the right meds can take the edge off.
Good luck, be proactive and get a handle on it sooner rather than later.