My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. On Monday he put me in a headlock and it made me feel like it was time for me to leave maybe. We continued to fight to this morning where he tells me if I’m no longer his wife he won’t be a father to our daughter, 5, anymore. No phone calls, no visits. I’m not sure if its worth it or not. I’m so heartbroken for my daughter. What do I say to her if she asks where her father is? I need advice on how to proceed with telling my daughter and the consequences of not having a dad.
EDIT#1 : I didn’t expect this many responses, so I’m sorry for not being able to reply to everyone.
A question I saw a couple of times is what did I do to make him react this way?
I did not cheat, nor give any indication of doing so, albeit he has accused me of it because he can’t understand why im fighting with him. (His words) We were having a conversation about why we’ve been fighting. Our fight has been revolved around an incident that happened at family Beach week. He didn’t want to go initially, but went anyway to make me happy. (His words) I made plans with my sister in law to take our kids to an arcade 1.5 miles down the road because the weather at the beach sucked. He was asleep when I made these plans (roughly 9:30am). When he woke up he wanted to go out to lunch instead, but I told him I made plans for the arcade first and we’d go after probably 30-40 minutes. He was upset by that. He said I slighted him and showed them preference. He put me in the headlock when I didn’t leave the room as soon as he wanted me to he threw something and I said I was going to call my dad. Thats when he tried to grab my phone from my hand and I wouldn’t let go. He put me in a headlock at that moment to try and get my phone from my hand. It didn’t leave bruises but my neck was sore for 3 days. So I could have de escalated the fight by either leaving faster or dropping my phone so its partially my fault as well. This is the first time he’s ever put his hands on me. He usually just screams and name calls. I’m sorry for the long edit.
EDIT#2: I’ve talked to my dad and he wants me to move back home with him. He lives 1.5 hours away in a different state. I found a pro bono attorney that accepts application to help on Monday at 9am (weird i thought personally) I don’t have money for a lawyer as I’ve been quoted by most to be around $300/hr in my area. Other than that he is acting normal and I am freaking out inside. We’ve been fighting for 3 weeks (since beach week) and now he’s like his old self. I feel like any misstep I take will make him go back to fighting. Its fucking with my head, I keep thinking maybe its over and we can go back to normal. He even asked me to play zombies on modern warfare like we used to and all I could do was cry while we played. Itll be our last time playing. I keep seeing the last lasts of things.
28 comments
The consequences of having a dad who abuses your mother are 1000x worse than having no dad at all. Both you and your daughter will be better off without him. Leave, file for child support, check out the resources that u/ebbie45 has on her profile.
Hahaha, he is an idiot.
1. He assaulted you, pd would be interested in hearing about it.
2. Lawyer up, he doesn’t have a lot of choice in the matter, he is paying for your daughter whether he likes it or not.
Sounds like she will be a whole lot happier without this dick in her life. Someone who manipulates, abuses and withholds emotion/love should not have a major part in a child’s life. Just imagine the fucking damage he will do to her psychologically.
>On Monday he put me in a headlock and it made me feel like it was time for me to leave maybe.
“maybe”???
>he tells me if I’m no longer his wife he won’t be a father to our daughter, 5, anymore. No phone calls, no visits.
Good. If you stay, how long do you think it’ll be before he puts your daughter in a headlock?
If he’s so willing to drop her from his life then he’s a not someone that your daughter needs in her life. He’s abusive and manipulative all you would accomplish by staying is showing your daughter that this behavior is acceptable. Would you want your kid to be with someone that hurts them?
The trash took himself out, great.
She’s going to feel even worse if he kills you.
Get a lawyer and make him think he’s winning by giving up visitation rights. You can child support garnished from him paycheck in many jurisdictions. The more he’s out of your life, the better.
Oh, so he’s an abusive piece of deadbeat shit?
Take him up on his offer. Leave him and take him to court for child support and let your child grow up without a violent nuisance around.
If he keeps his word and stays out of both of your lives, that’s for the best.
Having no dad is ten thousand times better than having an abusive dad, and that’s what your husband is – an abuser.
Take your child and get the hell away from him.
She won’t understand it today, and maybe not ever, but the two of you are better off without him. Neither of you deserve violence.
So you’d rather keep him in your child’s life even if it means your child one day sees him beat the shit out of you?
You’ll find a way of telling her. You know her character.
Honey, there are good men out there, and someone will come along and treat you with love and respect and love your daughter as their own. It took my daughter 4 years to find that man, and he absolutely loves my granddaughter like she is his. Her bio dad left when she was 6 months old and joined the ARMY. He has seen her once a year since he left and calls every few months. She’s 4 now, and she refuses to talk to her bio dad.
Your daughter will miss him in the beginning and ask about him. Just tell her he’s working right now. Don’t say anything to alienate her from her dad, when she’s older țhen you can have that tough conversation. I guarantee you she will figure it out on her own. Kids are very smart.
Lady, are you seriously asking if you should stay with the man who is physically abusing you so that your daughter can grow up under the same roof as him? Like, do you even hear yourself. This man can literally never be a good father, simply by the fact that he is an abuser. Sure, he can treat her kindly and do cool things with her, but he will also be showing her that it is okay for a man to beat a woman. He will also be showing her that the husband does not have to respect the wife in a marriage. Your daughter will grow up to become a victim in her own relationships because you didn’t have the spine to leave and show her you deserve better.
Wait. WTF.
He put you in a physical headlock?
And threatened to abandon his kid under any circumstance whatsoever?
AND YOU HAVEN’T LEFT HIS GRIMY, WORTHLESS ASS YET?!?!
You and your daughter deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
Go see a divorce lawyer and figure out your options but I DEF vote you leave – for your physical safety and for your daughter’s emotional well-being (a down ass stepdad is waaaayyyy better than a POS biodad).
This man will kill you if you stay. Leave.
He’s going to kill you. Period. Full stop. The moment a man puts his hands on your neck in anger is the moment the clock starts ticking. You may say, well, it was a headlock and not my neck exactly, but that is a violent, hateful move and way too close to your throat to be anything but a threat.
Get your kid. Call the domestic violence hotline. Gtfo of there before he kills you.
Fuck that guy for trying to hurt you by hurting his daughter emotionally, using her as a weapon. Definitely end it, it could be toxic forever.
Your daughter will be better off.. a father doesn’t withhold love unless.. he’s a giant d*ck…
> he put me in a headlock
Your daughter would be better off if this lowlife wasn’t her father.
Make sure you still go after him for child support though.
I don’t want to be alarmist but you’re focusing on the wrong issue here. You are in serious physical danger. When you say a headlock, do you mean a stranglehold? Because if a man makes any attempt to strangle his partner the probability that he will murder her goes up dramatically. It is one of the single biggest indicators of likely murder, in any context. Even if that’s not exactly what happened, you need to understand that the violence will escalate. That’s what always happens with physical domestic violence – it gets worse and worse and worse. Yes, you need to leave. But do NOT make an announcement that you’re leaving. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to seek help in making a plan to safely leave your home. A woman is never in more danger than when she tries to leave a partner who has been physically violent. You are at serious risk of grave physical harm. Please take care of yourself and please believe what everyone is saying to you – your daughter will be harmed psychologically for the rest of her life if her mother remains in a relationship with a man who can be physically violent. Among other things, she will seek out partners who will abuse her too. Please, take this seriously for yourself and your daughter. This internet stranger is rooting for you.
You’re not sure if it’s worth keeping your daughter away from a physically abusive man? Take him up on his offer and let him go far away from both of you.
>My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. ***On Monday he put me in a headlock***
#🚩
Tell her that.
He will probably abuse his daughter too.
You are saving her from being a victim of child abuse from her father.
And why isn’t he in jail for physical abuse?
>its partially my fault as well. This is the first time he’s ever put his hands on me. He usually just screams and name calls. I’m sorry for the long edit.
No. It is NOT your fault that he put his hands on you.
It is NOT your fault that he screams at you.
It is NOT your fault that he name calls.
It might be the first time he has gotten physical, but it is not the last.
Leave him, honey and be happy that he will not have anything to do with your daughter. This way you get to show your girl what NOT to accept in a relationship.
Not sure if you saw this, but choking is a leading indicator of homicide (i.e. you have a much higher risk of dying by the hand of your husband than other types of abuse): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/
From the article:
>Women who were the victims of completed or attempted homicide were far more likely to have a history of strangulation compared to the abused control women.
Please get out and get help. Depending on your country, you can get you and your daughter to a shelter for abused women and children. They can give you whatever assistance you need.
Talk to an attorney. Document his abuse (day, time, detail, photos of injuries) because this evidence is going to be great when you file for a restraining order and sole custody of your child.
Your daughter doesn’t deserve a terrible person like that in her life. As a father and a husband, this post tugs heavily on my heart. Please get help!
>So I could have de escalated the fight by either leaving faster or dropping my phone so its partially my fault as well
Oh honey, it’s not your fault he put hands on you. I’m a guy, married for 21 years and even though we’ve had a few fights, I’ve never come close to putting hands on my wife.
Get the fuck out of there. He will absolutely hurt you if you stay.
**Make sure he doesn’t have any warning until you are long gone.**