My wife and I have been together for 17 years and married for 12. We have 3 kids, ages 11, 8, and 5. Overall we have a had a very good relationship and rarely fight or argue. We’ve had mostly the same goals, and same ideas on how to parent and just get through life in general. But lately it feels like more and more is falling on me and she is not capable of figuring out new things, and seems less capable of the things she always has done.
When we decided to try for a second child, I had a choice in front of me for careers. I could take the steady path with a routine and salaried job, or I could take a harder, riskier and more lucrative path, but she would have to quit or drastically scale back on her job. We did the math and realized that at her pay she was basically working almost full time just to pay for childcare, so she quit and became a SAHM. This was a mutual goal of ours. We both wanted her to raise our kids and not have them in daycare all the time. The problem was that I would be home much later and be much less help. She understood that and it went pretty well for years. There was some postpartum depression after each kid, but we got through each. Now me having to work so many hours we explicitly discussed how little I’d be likely to help around the house. But I still did. I know that being home with kids is exhausting and I’d still clean up dinner when I got home even if I wasn’t there for it, or we’d fold laundry together before bed while we talked about our day. But it seems like every week she does less and less, having my 11 year old daughter do many of the chores, or she leaves them for me. I used to sympathize that raising the kids was hard and time consuming, but now they’re all in school and the only thing she accomplished all day was grocery shopping. There’s still a pile of laundry for me to fold, and sometimes she just won’t do it. She’s watching tv while I do it, or she has the kids do their own. She doesn’t do mine at all anymore. It feels silly being a grown man and complaining about my laundry not being done for me, but I work 60+ hours a week and have a 90-120+ minute commute each way. There’s so little time for me to do anything. She did pickup a part time job a few years ago, to get out of the house and have some adult interaction as much as for money. She’s made some friends there, and it provides some extra money for us. She also spends time with other friends, going to lunch at least every other week, or going out for drinks. She has much more time for herself and her friends than I do.
But none of these are the real issues. My issues are that she cannot handle our kids, and she can’t handle navigating every day things like doctors appointments for them or car maintenance for her car. She has the time to take the kids to the doctor, but if it’s anything other than routine she needs me to take the day off to help. Need to talk to a specialist? I have to do the talking. Need to drive a little further than usual to an unfamiliar town? I need to take the day off. Her car needs work? I have a mechanic friend and told her to just go to him, but she needs me to call him first. I don’t get it. Why can she not just handle something? When I have the kids all day we have a great time. When they misbehave I stop them, take a step back and talk to them. They seem to get it and we go about our day. She just yells at them and sometimes says some things that I don’t think parent should say to kids. Nothing too crazy, but something like “what is wrong with you?” Or “why are you like this?” I don’t like resenting or being mad at her, and I really just want to help her. But she doesn’t seem interested in helping herself. When I bring it up she just gets upset and says things like “sorry I’m not good enough” then she’s sad for like a week. I try explaining that’s not what I’m saying but it doesn’t get through. I don’t want to keep going like this and getting to the point where I resent her all the time. I’m getting worn out and I’m afraid I’ll run out of patience. Just no idea what to do.
7 comments
I probably wouldn’t want you as a husband, honestly. You sound completely unaware of what goes into taking care of 3 kids alone while your spouse claims they don’t need to help because theyre working.. meanwhile, she’s also working outside the house part time.
She’s going thru some identity thing’s probably. And forget comments just like raising kids takes a lot, maintaining a home, bills & assisting with kids is hard.
Truth is she’s having a tough time most women these days are because they don’t subscribe to SAHM = Happiness. Just let her enjoy her life and since the kids are older make sure they are stepping up on their part. Don’t make small insecurities or imposter syndrome moments bigger than they are. For some women routine can be a slow death especially when they watch us work cause the newer generation of women want to be in the work force over SAHM
She had postpartum depression three times man. She’s inclined to depression. Symptoms of depression include being irritable, fatigued, zoning out, and being easily overwhelmed by simple tasks as you’re describing here. She needs to go for an evaluation.
You’ve got to be facing full on burnout yourself with hours like that and a commute like that. Keep an eye on your own mental health too.
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She needs someone to talk to. Sounds like she might be holding in a bit of resentment on top of depression. Maybe Feeling unappreciated or lonely. Make time for her. Talk with her… take a weekend trip by yourselves and give both of yourselves a break.
From your post, it sounds like there is a lot more going on than what some social media response can address. You stated that you have tried to sit down and work things out, and that didn’t seem to help. So maybe it is time you seek out couples counseling from a trusted pastor or a licensed marriage counselor. If your wife won’t go with you, I recommend that you pursue the counseling on your own. The following number (855-382-5433) is to an organization that should be able to provide you with the necessary resources in your geographic location, if you don’t have or know of any yourself.
This isn’t “normal” in the realm of a healthy adult female at her age. She’s overwhelmed by routine every day responsibilities of being a parent.
Something has changed or she’s been struggling with mental health issues and they have progressively gotten worse.
I have been SAHM. Not for me. I couldn’t find daycare that was reliable. I couldn’t stand being at home. I was NOT happy being at home with my son. Took son to work every day instead.
Your wife is not happy being at home. I don’t know why, but you might need to get her family involved? You need to know what the problem is before you can devise a solution.