My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years now and live together.
Before we got together we would go on dates at least once a week or more, we just instantly clicked and just wanted to see each other all the time, it was sweet.
When we did become official, those dates became once every few weeks which i didn’t mind because life does get in the way and we still doted on each other.
But now, two years into the relationship theres none of that. I still dote on him like the very start of the relationship but all i get is the occasional kiss and him checking on me.
When i do ask if he wants to go on a date he says that theres no point because we’ve already won each other over and theres no need to impress each other anymore and we see each other all the time since we live together.
But all we do is work or sit at home whilst he plays video games and i do whatever to combat boredom.
Am i asking too much? Is it wrong to still want to go on dates?
Am i being too needy and should just leave it?
I don’t know it just makes me sad that we’re not like how we used to be.
45 comments
If you don’t like the relationship he’s offering, you should move on and seek a different one. Your wants and needs and feelings matter. It’s not your job to be content with what he wants.
Love is like a plant, if it is not watered, it dies. The same applies with love, if there are no dates, there is no time as a couple, details or talk, the relationship begins to die, you are not asking for anything from heaven, just have dates from time to time and that is fine
Dating doesn’t stop when the relationship status changes. Even married couples who have been together for decades should still go on dates.
Talk to him more and tell him this.
Oh boy! Don’t marry him! If this is how he acts now…
His behavior is a problem that a lot of married couples actively work on avoiding. They prioritize a date night even when they are super busy with kids and work and just life. Otherwise you’ll become roommates and not actually a couple.
So… you don’t really hang out or connect in meaningful ways, you just exist together in the same house? Like… roommates?
You’re not being in any way needy, nor are you asking for anything close to “too much.”
Your boyfriend’s attitude = death of the relationship. It’s almost a caricature and I’m shocked he even said this so bluntly. Does he not realize that relationships are living things that need to be cared for?
I guarantee you that every reply to this post will tell you the same thing. It is so widely understood that couples need to continue “dating” each other that it’s almost a cliche.
I think you need to change your tactics here. First, please stop sitting around the house while he plays video games. You should take yourself out on dates and do the things you want to do. Stop waiting for him to put down his video game and start going out on your own or with friends. This *might* help him realize how sad it is for a 27-year-old man to lay around in front of a screen all day.
Second, I would stop asking to go on dates and start *telling him* that this isn’t working for you. He doesn’t have to agree that dates are important to recognize that he is at risk of losing you if he doesn’t grow the fuck up. Tell him that this isn’t the kind of relationship you want, and you don’t see a future together if this is how he plans to spend his time.
Finally, I get the sense that you’re afraid of coming across as “nagging” or “needy,” and this is something you should work to overcome. Does he worry about how he comes across when he tells you he’d prefer to play video games than to actually talk and spend time with you? No, because then he’d realize what an idiotic thing to say that is. It is not needy to want quality time with your partner. You are not “nagging” when you communicate your needs and expectations. You are simply standing up for yourself.
What?!? My partner and I don’t get many dates but we have a kid now. We still try to get out and do things together bc we enjoy each others company. We also both enjoy a few drinks and letting loose with friends. I would be so sad if he didn’t want to.
Imagine how bad things will get if you married.
“oh honey, we’re married so now we don’t have to give a shit at all about our relationship!”
Have a standing day every week or two to get out and do stuff. You don’t even have to call it a date (even though it more or less is). Frame it that you just want a day to get out of the house. It’s not about wooing each other, it’s about not sitting around the house like a lump.
Tell him that he hasn’t won you over and that he’s losing you. Let him know that it is a big deal to you
Going on dates isn’t about impressing the other person – it is about having experiences as a couple. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship where we never go out and do things together. How boring. We love trying out new restaurants, taking road trips to new places to walk around and explore, finding fun festivals, etc. These shared experiences bring us closer together.
You deserve better, and this is not normal. His dream relationship may be one where he just gets to play video games all the time, but yours isn’t, and he’s ignoring your needs. If he isn’t open to taking your needs into consideration and finding a happy medium, then you should seriously consider if this is what you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with.
You’re not asking too much, you’re not some trophy that’s won and then put on a shelf to look pretty but gather dust. Be with someone who’ll woo you no matter the stage in the relationship.
Love is not a given. Trust is not a given. Respect is not a given.
People who think they’re entitled to you forever once they’ve “locked it down” and don’t have to do anything to maintain… are people who shouldn’t be in relationships. You earn and maintain love, trust, and respect.
been married for 33 years BECAUSE i keep dating my wife
Lol no, tell him to stop being a bum because there are plenty of guys out there who would love to date you and he hasn’t “won” anything.
OP,
You are not asking too much. There are a number of books on “dating your wife”. The number one killer of relationships is feeling like roommates.
I’ll be honest, if you can’t get him to read some books or attend a marital retreat weekend that talks about these things, you won’t be happy. This is what marriage to him would look like. What do you want out of a relationship? Are you getting it here? If not, what can you do to encourage it? If he’s not interested, what are you going to do for yourself? You’re too young to settle, but it’s your life, your call.
Your boyfriend appears to be confusing the beginning of your relationship with the end of your relationship.
You don’t have to date the lump on the couch.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him that going on dates isn’t about “impressing” each other. It’s about going on experiences together. Whether that’s trying a new restaurant together, or trying out a new event in your city.
You need to be very clear how important this is to you. How much this hurts the relationship. You don’t just “win” each other once and that’s it, you have to keep winning them over. Otherwise why would they stay?
I kind of can’t believe he said there is “no point” in dating so bluntly. I’m pretty sure the most common and well known marriage/dating advice is to KEEP dating your partner.
I’ve been with my current gf for 7 years now. About 3 years ago we decided to make a better effort to have dates. Dinner and a movie, or go see a concert or go to a nicer than normal restaurant and call it a date.
We both have busy jobs and I travel a lot so I wanted to make these dates to have something to look forward to.
It’s fun and we still do it. We are not getting married for a list of reasons so there is no agenda other than keeping close, not falling into ruts, and enjoying time that we set aside to be together.
Honey, we’ve finally done it! We’ve finally bought a brand new, perfectly clean, house. Now, we will never have to do maintenance, renovations, or housework again!
I mean you fell in love with him based on who you thought he was. Part of that persona he presented was having shared interests with you and enjoying going out and doing fun things together. Now that some time has passed you’ve learned that who he really is is a person who wants to sit on the couch and play video games. What do you want to do with that? You can tell him how you feel and see if he’s interested in changing, but just based on your post it sounds like probably not.
I have been with my dude for over 15 years. We work and live together. We still go on dates. It is important to have special time for the relationship.
Hi – Please visit r/marriage or r/divorce to find out where this situation is headed.
I would run, not walk, from this relationship.
Love is a living, breathing thing that has to be nurtured all the time. What – now that he tricked you into loving him he can sit on the couch with video games for the rest of his life? No. That’s ridiculous.
I hope you don’t want kids because he’s going to be a super shitty father.
“You won me over. You’re losing me. We’re currently at a tie. I’d suggest you try and win a bit more”
You should let him read these responses bc so many are spot on. Relationships crumble when partners stop dating each other. I’ve been married over 12 years now, and the only times our relationship has suffered was when we couldn’t/weren’t dating each other (like after childbirth).
My partner and I don’t call it dates and they are not planned but once a week, we’ll go for a walk and decide we both don’t feel like cooking and go out for dinner. Once a quarter, we do a couple getaway and rent a cottage or hotel room out of town 🙂
You two sounds like roommate with benefits not really a couple.
Yeah that’s not how relationships work. Even friends go on “dates”, ie. they go out and have fun experiences together and set aside one-on-one time to talk and connect. They don’t just sit in the same house doing their own thing. If they did, you wouldn’t really call them friends, would you? Just room mates. Same with romantic relationships, if you stop doing stuff together and connecting romantically then it dies. You aren’t being too needy at all. Have you told him how unhappy this makes you? Isn’t that a good enough reason for him to go on dates with you?
You are not being needy. Romancing your girlfriend/wife is a lifetime commitment. M54 married 20ys F49. I buy her flowers. I send her cards. I plan date nights. She does sometimes as well, but I like to do it. I tell her EVERY day just how much I love her and how much she means to me. Women need to feel appreciated, feel loved, and feel wanted sexually by their partner.
Seems like he thinks he’s done now he found himself a girlfriend. Someone that actually wants to spend time with their girlfriend would be happy to go on dates. I’m sorry.
But it’s absolutely wild to me that people are in relationships and don’t care about spending time / talking with their partner. Feels like there is no real love involved when they feel that way.
Lol. He doesn’t like you or want to spend time with you.
He wants someone around to do shit for him and that he can have sex with.
Instead of sitting around the house combatting boredom, you should go outside, get some hobbies, get some friends, ride a bike, take up running, go the gym, whatever. Build your own life.
If he doesn’t like that or you outgrow him, so be it.
Your boyfriend is acting like a fool. Continuing to date is essential…you want to keep that flame alive, and that doesn’t happen by settling in and giving no effort.
I am nearing 40 and married and as such, know a lot of other people in their middle age and married. The ones who are happy together are the ones who continue to date each other. The ones who don’t are very often not. It’s a pretty simple equation – if you really like spending time with someone, then spend time with them! And if you don’t want to spend time with them, why are you with them?
This is the life he wants
He wants to work, come home, play video games, talk to you for a bit, and go to sleep.
He just told you that he doesn’t see any reason to devote any time to your relationship or more importantly, making you happy
Time to decide if you can do this for the rest of your life or if you want something more
But understand…if you throw down an ultimatum, he’ll likely change for a while
however…slowly but surely things will go back to where they are now
He is a homebody
This is the way he wants to live his life
If you are not cool with it….if you want more, then it may be time to move on
[deleted]
He’s your boyfriend. As in you are DATING each other. Why on earth should you not go on dates *while dating*??
What a lazy POS. I can’t imagine someone thinking they’re just “done” putting in effort with me
Your BF sucks. This is no way to keep you interested. Everyone wants to feel cherished and appreciated.
Watch him get bewildered once you start losing feelings for him 😂 he isn’t the smartest, is he
I’d just stop having sex with him. You’ve already got him, no need to make any sexual efforts to keep him. He’s got a right (or left) hand.
This is the mindset of a lot of people and it always ends up killing the relationship. As someone who’s been with my spouse for 15 years, no, you never stop trying to impress each other. Not in the “showing off” kind of way. You want your partner to never forget *why* they chose you. You want to constantly remind them why they fell in love with you in the first place. That means keeping the affection and intimacy up, continuing to have conversations and sharing your thoughts, being active and engaged with your partner, etc. As soon as one of you get complacent and start treating the love you share with your partner as a given or something you don’t need to put any effort into the relationship is pretty much dead in the water.
Yeah, you don’t stop trying to win each other over in relationships unless you don’t care if they end. Sure, it’s different than the courting phase, but there definitely shouldn’t be a complete absence of any effort.
He’s lazy. Imagine another 5,10,20 etc years of this lack of effort. Kids, work, interests, etc. treat yourself and move on.
No, you’re not asking too much. You seem to have a very realistic view on how a relationship should be once you’ve settled down a few years in. He’s showing you exactly how he’s going to be for the rest of your relationship – putting in the absolute bare minimum on his end because he only finds it worth “trying harder” to win you over. You have to decide whether this relationship is worth it to you to stay in as it is, because he straight up told you he’s not going to change.
He has A LOT to learn. At this rate I don’t see the relationship lasting long term as he is giving you the short end of the stick already. Communicate with him and tell him how you feel otherwise move on don’t waste your time settling for that behavior. A relationship requires work.
He has a weird outlook on your relationship, like he sees having a gf as a box ticking exercise. You are fully justified in wanting to go out together. If he refuses to change his attitude then you’d be mad to stay with him any longer.
Only advice I have is to sit him down and explain how unsatisfied you currently are with the relationship. That if he doesn’t make an effort, you’ll leave. He’s obviously clueless so up to you how much effort you want to put into this. But be reassured your concerns are 100% justified and he’s in the wrong here.
“Hey, I find our social life boring and unfulfilling. You don’t want to go with me anymore, but I want to go out, so I am going to start going out with my friends in the evenings so that I have some stuff to do. I do not plan to spend my life sitting on the couch watching my partner vidya.”
God he fully depressed me
My parents are 80 and go out to eat, to movies, & to shows still. They explore the world together. So do I & my partner.
I can’t imagine staying home 24/7.
You have one life.