Just last night I (F27) was blindsided on my way to an outing with my family, that my partner (M28) has sexual urges that make him feel that “his commitment is slipping”.
We have been together for 8yrs and are now engaged. He was my first everything, he had partners before me. Our sex life has waned, not because of the longevity of our relationship as we both have/had very high sex drives but I have hormonal issues that have rendered my libido to zero. We have sex maybe once a month but health issue is resulting in surgery because it’s wrecking havoc in my body
Irrespective everyone has needs so I get it, but for these urges to be substantive enough for you to speak to me about them, again say that you feel the committment slipping is really messing with my head. I feel beyond awful and like he’s a ticking time bomb. He cheated when we first got together (we were young and he was stupid) but for this bs to be pulled now after so much growth has me so angry and hurt.
He feels I should be grateful that he’s mature enough to recognize this and talk to me. I absolutely am not, I EARNED the respect and dignity to be told what is going after 8 years.
I asked him if there was people he’d like to bang in mind, and there’s 2 in his office. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like he’s a ticking timebomb.
38 comments
He’s already cheating.
Cut bait, now.
What growth has he had? Im genuinely curious.
Whatever the replies are, I think you already know:
Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.
Better to end this now, and consider therapy to help process and heal.
Who says this kind of thing to their partner?!
For real, take yourself out of this: pretend your best friend told you that HER partner of 8 years said this to her, what would you tell your friend to do?
OP, I’m so sorry for your situation. I don’t think you should be focusing on whether he has prospective partners lined up, but on what YOUR sex life will look like for the long term. What’s the prognosis after surgery? Will you be able to enjoy regular sex after treatment? How often would you want sex if it felt good? Are you and your partner sexually compatible aside from the medical issue, or is once a month all you really want?
It’s understandable that your bf is hesitant to commit to marriage without sex. Even if he loves you very much, love isn’t going to prevent him from eventually feeling like he’s missing out on sex. Although he could have been more tactful about his “urges” and more sensitive about your medical limitations, you two really should have a serious discussion about sexual compatibility before getting married. What do YOU want?
Are you sure the one time in the beginning of your relationship is the only time? I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It’s a MAJOR red flag. He already has 2 specific people in mind who he sees on a regular basis, which means he is probably emotionally cheating already. IMO this is the beginning of the end. You’re not going to be able to just let this go, and you will be questioning everything now, and since his commitment is already “slipping” and he as technically given you warning, there is no telling what he might think is acceptable. Protect your heart and don’t waist anymore time on him.
I think his choice of words was extremely poor. I also think I’d feel the same way if my wife and I were only intimate once per month for an extended period . There’s such a thing as too much honesty. He doesn’t need to be telling you he wants to sleep with coworkers (although you DID ask). It’s hard to give advice without understanding the medical situation. There are supplements you may be able to try to get your libido back. Might be worth a shot if you’re interested in saving the relationship. A lot of people seem to think he’s placing too much value on sex, and you should leave him. I disagree. Sex for some people is not just a physical need, but an act of love, and a means of connecting with their partner. He does deserve points for being open and honest. Not because you haven’t earned it, but because it’s hard to discuss these things knowing you will hurt the person you love. Counseling might be a good option, since you both are willing to be honest with each other. It may help him find ways of fulfilling his need for intimacy and validation from you without sex.
How long has this been an issue in your relationship?
You’re also being very dismissive of his actual needs but option on that can change based on an answer to my question.
It’s actually a very healthy thing to discuss even the ugly feelings we have with our partners. You’ve been together a long time and him opening up is a good thing. Him being attracted to two people at work is bad.
Love is an action and a feeling, I know a lot of people will say sex isn’t everything and it shouldn’t be that important. That’s on an individual basis that doesn’t hold true for the majority of relationships. Many men want and desire sex from their partners, physical intimacy is more or just as important as emotional intimacy.
Rationally he knows you’re having issues and can’t have sex like you used to but he’s fantasizing due to the lack of it. The right thing and what he should do is all well and good but people aren’t usually wired to be totally selfless.
Regardless of all that is he actively trying to sleep with them? If so that’s a relationship ender hands down.
You are engaged. When you get married you may well hear the line “in sickness and in health”. Your libido is down for health reasons outside your control and he can’t be patient and respect that. He’s allowed to have sexual frustration and wish he was having more sex. He can feel how he wants. But he should be able to commit to you knowing that loving you through this time is more important than 2 vaginas belonging to random he works with. I’m sorry, but if it were me, it’s over. He’s already cheated on you before, now he’s just breaking. It doesn’t sound like he’s inclided towards respect or monogamy, but learned to stay with you because he could at least have a reliable stream of sex.
Try to have another discussion with him, the relationship is long lasting enough to warrant the effort. But I’d he prepared for the worst.
Young men in the comments seething at the notion of learning to prioritise your partners health over putting their dick in them
Wanting to marry someone who’s listed two people they’d like to fuck and has cheated at some point is genuine insanity. Like absolutely crazy
If you were to have children your body may be affected for longer than 3 months. Will his commitments slip then too? For some women it’s even a year recovery
There’s about a million different ways he could’ve communicated it.
Even if for some silly reason you want to stay with him at least hold off on getting married.
My 5 year relationship is ending because of similar reasons. All I can say is, I see you, I understand your pain, and my god is it painful.
I’m so sorry
They call it the 7 year itch for a reason. In your case it’s 8. I personally have never seen many relationships last this long without marriage and kids. It’s like some sort of phenomenon. I’ve seen both men and women wander if not married with kids.
Women ask for open communication with men, but when they get it they don’t want to hear it. Simple fact of the matter is he sees your current situation as a glimpse of his future. Sex is very important to men… women often can’t understand why… imagine the horniest you have ever been. Now multiply that by 17… that what your fiancé feels… be thankful he was honest with you, now it is your job to fix it if you want to keep him….
Despite what we want to imagine, sexual compatibility is a key factor in a long term relationship. You deserve to find someone who is fulfilled with sex at the frequency you feel comfortable with. If he isn’t, it’s better you know now than 10 years from now. Trust me, the longer two sexually-incompatible people stay together, the more it hurts both people.
Let him go. The way he handled things was immature and you deserve better. He may have been your first, but I promise he won’t be The One. Take all the food from your relationship with you, learn from the bad and be free. And don’t let him make you feel bad. His actions are a reflection of him, not you.
You aren’t compatible and that’s okay. We all have different libidos and levels of desire. You do have to acknowledge that this is something that may not change. Do you want to be married to someone who has told you that he can’t stay faithful without sex. He’s ballsy, yes. But honest. r/DeadBedrooms is full of stories you may want to read. Sexual incompatibility has huge effects on relationships. You should know that there are many men out there who would be better suited for you sexually and these wouldn’t be concerns you would have to have.
i am on the other side of the fence. the grass is not greener. and i don’t know if and when i will explode.
When you marry someone, you are intentionally committing yourself to that person irrespective of situations that may arise during the course of your marital relationship. A lot of things could potentially happen to either of you. Injuries, sickness, job layoffs, infertility, even terminal illnesses. Looks will fade. Even if, twenty years from now, he still looks “distinguishably handsome” and you look “elegantly beautiful”, neither of you are going to look as hot as you did in your twenties. Furthermore, the “sparks” and “chemistry” may not be fully there as years go by. Everything will be the same old routine. That’s what happens when two people live together for a very long time.
Marriage is about reliability and stability. The assurance that your partner will be there for you, for better or worse. Even if neither person is being sexually-fulfilled, that commitment to your partner is essential. If your fiancé is already having doubts about whether he can fulfill that role, you both really need to do some heavy-thinking
Before birth control men HAD to wait to have sex till they were getting their wife pregnant. If he can’t control those urges , he doesn’t love you.
Once a cheater always a cheater sorry but that’s how it is. People don’t change as much as we’d like it, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already done it.
These urges are normal. Whether or not you want to hear this we all see other people as attractive outside our relationships. That doesn’t mean acting on those urges are okay.
I think he did grow substantially as you’ve stated he cheated in the past and now he’s coming to you trying to be upfront and work something out. Relationships are tricky because everyone’s is different and no one else’s relationship rules will work for you.
How much of this is trauma coming up from un-dealt with feelings of him cheating in the past?
I would say he gave you a heads up, he wants to explore. I would end it now before he does cheat and it hurts you even more.
Don’t marry this guy. As painful as it can be to lose your first, he just doesn’t sound like much of a prize. If he cheated on you and you were good enough to take him back in, he should have a lot more sensitivity the way he’s discussing the problems in your sex drive differences.
But please do keep in mind in future relationships, that differences in libido are a big deal and the partner who is feeling unwanted and rejected will often lose their feelings of being bonded. To some people sexes are really important part of the relationship and you have to make sure you’re compatible in those ways
To be honest I dont understand whats the big deal here. He’s a man. We all have fantasies, it’s normal. Hell I have alot of different fantasies and some of them include my co-workers. But I dont want to be a dick and tell my wife about them espacially because she has very low selfesteem. The difference here is just dont tell your partner if you know she/he cant handle it.
He is a ticking time bomb. At least he told you upfront he’s interested in cheating again. But you can’t marry him. You can’t marry a guy that can’t commit, and you cannot be his backup plan when he gets bored or has a dry spell in between. It will need to be a straight beak up. Also just because he’s your first doesn’t mean your life is over. Let him know in this case, he will not be your last either.
So you’re upset that he’s honest with you? What would you prefer he do? Cheat and pretend? Marry you because he said he would be cheat then? Keep his feelings to himself and only talk to you about stuff that makes you feel good?
This is called relationship… time to get on board or exit.
There is nothing wrong with bringing up the fact that he’s struggling with his needs not being met, although after 3 months with a medical issue that will be fixed it does seem a bit selfish.
The fact that he already has people in mind is a huge red flag. That coupled with the fact he has cheated on you before would really make me rethink the relationship. What happens when you have a kid and are on bed rest and can’t have sex? I wasn’t able to have sex for 4 months after delivery because it hurt. Stuff happens and if he starts looking elsewhere (even without doing anything) for potential other partners this quickly when things aren’t goign his way I would not trust him anymore. It’s supposed to be in sickness and health. There are goign to be bumps in the road and you need to know that you don’t have to worry about him looking elsewhere when there are those bumps. Clearly that’s not the case here.
Sorry. You dont earn forced celibacy.
I was in a dead bedroom. I loved him. Wanted him. But all he was was a roommate to me. That’s not what I needed.
You seem to think just because YOU don’t need sex anymore, that he should all of a sudden not need it either. Not how that works.
If you can’t give him desire and intimacy, let him go. He doesn’t need a roommate.
You aren’t married.
He wants sex and he isn’t getting it from you.
Maybe it’s time to end things.
I guess if there is a time limit in sight for expecting your issues will be over then it might be fair to ask him to wait until things get better, but if this is indefinite I’d be advising him to leave.
I’m a big believer in “for better or for worse” except the two of you aren’t married and it assumes both partners are putting effort into the relationship.
You say your libido is 0 and you have health problems, but are the health problems limiting you to sex once a month? If not, you’re not being a good partner.
This is what happens when you choose to stay with a cheater. You tell them that you are ok with them cheating. He’s telling you he’s cheating or going to cheat again.
He’s not speaking about his “urges” because they are strong. He’s telling you because he thinks you’re enough of a doormat you’ll let him indulge them. He’s testing your tolerance levels. This is not “maturity”, it’s manipulation.
Those poor women in his office. He’s likely being a total creep. We can always tell when men at work what to fuck us.
Dude I’m sorry but he’s already cheated once. He showed you then who he actually is, he’s a cheater. Yes he is a ticking time bomb. There are plenty of guys in the world who aren’t. I’d highly recommend you dump this trash and go find someone better.
Him telling us definitely a good thing. Gives you perspective of how to move from here. That or he’s already sleeping with someone and is hinting at it.
I think the communication is a good thing and isn’t the problem.
You’re saying after 8 years your relationship should be enough without the need to fulfill all sexual desires. That might hold true for you but not for him.
Where things fry disrespectful or maybe he’s being a tad too truthful saying he has people in mind. Again to my earlier point maybe he already has and it just hinting at it. But again he’s given you info that allows you to make a decision from here.
Run
This is not going to work out. He wants sex, you can’t give sex, he will find sex.
Ate your hormonal issues permanent? Do you think your libido will return?
His delivery is awful but I can sort of understand where he’s coming from. Once a month is tough if you’ve got a high sex drive and/or you’re used to a lot more sex. 3 months is also quite long no matter what anyone says.
However, you deserve a patient partner who understands you. They should only want to be intimate with you, and you only. Being a bit frustrated is normal but for him to have 2 people in mind that he wants already? That’s horrid. Your fiancé is not a nice man, will probably cheat if he’s not cheating already and you’ll probably end up divorced because of cheating. Either that or you’ll just have to accept that you have a cheating partner.
You deserve better. 8 years is a very long time but you deserve better.
For you, what would strengthen rather than weaken your relationship right now?
He is missing some points, like the idea of a committed relationship does not make sense if temptation does not exist. Temptations are everywhere, even before your libido drops. (to play his devil’s advocate, the amount of basicness out there is vastly underestimated, and him going to you first is above that)
One option is lean into it, tell him he can break up with you, at least he won’t be a cheater (that’s an improvement from last time), and then he can be free to do whatever he wants with whoever… but you won’t be his girlfriend anymore. You need to hear how he replies to that.
Another option is you can indulge his libido. Get some sexy toys and use them on each other or just on him if you are not feeling it.
Don’t let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you. Have some dignity and tell him he can do whatever he wants with his coworkers because he’ll be doing it as a single man. Hold out for a partner who won’t tell you to your face that he wants to cheat.
I too would struggle if my partner hadn’t wanted sex with me for 3 months and counting. I am a woman and its one of the most important things to me compatibility wise in my relationships. Physical touch is my love language and the primary way I bond with my partner. I think you are being a little dismissive of how important it is to your partner. Its good for you to communicate more about this and make a compromise plan until after your surgery. Can you kiss him while he takes care of himself? Can you offer other things on the menu even if PIV is out for the time being? Is there anything you are willing to do to recognize that this is important to him and give him what he is asking for even if you don’t want PIV? Or is it a straight shutdown across the board of all forms of sex besides PIV?
He could have said this a bit better, but it is a good thing that he brought it up. People make all sorts of compromises in this area and he needs some sort of offering from you. If you don’t want to give him any compromise, be aware it might end your relationship or maybe you can allow a FWB situation for him with someone else temporarily.
I have to say though that I’d also be unhappy in your bf’s shoes and it isn’t necessarily about him just being a horndog that can’t wait for you to get your surgery. If he is anything like me, he is genuinely missing the intimacy he was getting. And I think you need to give him that a lot of credence if you want to keep a happy healthy relationship going in this interim time when you can’t give him PIV. I would at least need my partner to kiss and make out with me a lot if we were taking a break from PIV. Ask him what he needs from you to get his intimacy fix.
You’re not ready to be married. Neither of you have experienced freedom in your twenties.