Me (27m) and my (27f) fiancé have been together for 5 years and I got a career opportunity with the government outside of the US. The plan was for me to work 2 years, and return with the experience and work at the private sector. But after joining and seeing the so many opportunities I have, I feel that the plan changed a bit…
Also, I genuinely consider my self happy in this new position, I do enjoy working for the people and not a rich guy or a board who will never remember my name even the quality of life from where I was vs where I am currently is very very different (different good).
So I started to tell my fiancé all that, and that this will be great for us because we are able yo really prepare ourselves for our future, have opportunities we would never have is we stayed where we are, which initially she was like sure but weeks later she just dropped the bomb on me. She didn’t like how things were looking because she doesn’t want to leave where she is living in. (We bought a house during COVID).
We talk every day, call each other via Facetime almost the entire time we are awake. We see each other every 2-3 months. We have great communication skills.
I feel that if I quit and come back I will come back to a 1. private job with no benefits (apart from annual leave and sick leave which is a bitch to use cuz supervisors are dicks), 2. Government job with a different gov entity which (from what I’ve heard and read, don’t have 90% of the great benefits I currently have).
I also want to do this, so I can be able to give a better life to my future kids. In 3 years I can have my more than average salary and have a very high salary which will help me save more money, be able to afford a better house, have enough savings for when I retire and get sick I can take care of my self and not having my kids do it, (yeah, thats another thing going on in my life right now) also, my kids will be able to travel around the world and learn new cultures and meet new people, amongst some other stuff.
In the other hand, my fiancé does not want this, she wants to stay in her government job, which pays okay, stay in our house, be close to her family, friends and beaches.
Which is completely fine.
Like she said, our paths are drifting way apart. The plan really was 2 years and come back but after seeing all this, I genuinely want to go and take advantage of the opportunities…
I don’t know if I want someone to tell me to break up, or to quit and go back cuz the plan was 2 years.
I know this is bad for the relationship, but is it bad for me to think or want the opportunities?
Thanks.
13 comments
Well if you walk away from something you truly want to pursue, you may return home and have lots of regret which could then turn to resentment.
You have to ask yourself if you walked away from this relationship, would you be ok?
I am about to be 44 yrs old. I have told many young people that from age 20 to 30 you change so much as a person. You are still growing and figuring yourself out. It’s comfortable to think you have it all figured out at 27, but damn that’s boring. You found something that lit a fire within you. You only have this one life and I don’t think it’s fair to just let it go because another person doesn’t want it. If you were already married, this decision would be harder, but you’re not. You 2 want completely different things and that’s ok. It’s also ok to decide that your life goals might be more important than settling down right now.
This a difficult one, I think that you need to put on a balance which one is more important to you now, your job or your fiance. If you choose your fiance without thinking it through you might blame her in the future for the lost opportunities. On the other side if you choose your job over your fiance for the benefits, you might not find another soulmate to share them with.
If you’re not going to be happy going back where she is and she’s not going to be happy moving to where you are, then I think that breaking up is the only reasonable option. Compromise is important in a relationship but neither person should end up miserable because of it. If you can’t both be happy, you’re just not compatible.
It’s always a risk spending significant time apart that you’ll grow in different ways and become incompatible and it seems that’s what has happened.
I left my fiancé after seven years together because our ideal futures just didn’t align anymore. I was beginning to resent him for holding me back from living the life I wanted and I knew that feeling would only get stronger with time. Her reasons for wanting to stay are completely valid, as are your for wanting to pursue your new opportunities. No one can tell you what’s right or wrong, but neither of you should compromise what you want for the sake of someone else.
Your goals have changed. Don’t be afraid to lose what was never meant to be. Be glad you have the ability to walk away BEFORE kids become part of the equation. If you come back after 3yrs or so, and reconnect great. If not, so be it.
It sounds like you have a federal government job with a clear path to regular promotions and pay increases, and the full-ride federal benefits package. Is your housing provided, or are you given a housing allowance?
You clearly understand how unlikely it would be for you to find something even remotely similar in the private sector.
You are also broadening your horizons in a way that has made “back home” less appealing. It’s interesting that you’ve already understood the possibilities this kind of life coukd bring to your yet-to-be children.
Look. I’m not trying to dump on people are happy with staying close to their birthplace and family their entire lives, but you’ve started experiencing and enjoying so many new things, you may not be happy trying to return to that narrower life.
There are lots of married couples in government service who keep their house at home and rent it out, or have family stay there.
I get it, this was supposed to be for only two years. But it has opened your eyes to a whole different way of life, one that is secure and rewarding.
I think you should keep talking to your fiancee about the possibilities and benefits. She may have been influenced by her parents or other family who want her (and especially any future grandchildren) to be nearby.
“Why is my fiancée so mad i only want to see her 4-6 times a year?”
a true head scratcher
You have to do what’s best for YOU and your future. Unfortunately this may mean ending your relationship if your fiancé is not okay with the situation.
Honestly man I think you’re in the wrong. Whatever you guys do, it should be together. Do you want to have a great job and be by yourself when you’re 50 or do you want to have a family. I’d be pisses if I was her too.
Thanks for the advice, wise old timer.
Well if you can change her mind there may be hope. If you give up the opportunity, you may grow to resent her and your eventual family. If you give her up you may be alone for awhile (not likely forever) and may live your dream! I would say reach for the brass ring and hope she comes along!
I am very similar to you. I need to be fulfilled in my work, I need to know I’m doing something valuable. My husband works only for the paycheck, it doesn’t matter. Being fulfilled at something you do 40+ hours a week is something to take seriously. It sounds like you are different people, she wants what she has and seems content with where she is, you look forward o traveling and changes. You just have different needs, which is okay, but it might not lead to a life together.
She is thinking short term and you’re thinking long term. If you want 2 different things then there is only one thing to do – end it.
Being with you and realizing whats best for you as a could and you future family should be important to her if she was thinking long term.
Does she realize that this could potentially end the relationship?