So basically i am 28 now and she is 23. We are together for 5 years. We came together 5 years ago and she is the first girl i felt love with eventhough i knew her past. In my opinion she is the perfect girlfriend in any aspect that someone can imagine and i truely love her. As i am getting older i want to have kids and become a father.
The problem is i can not just do the next step and marry her because of her past. All the years i just told myself it will get better with time but it never gets away. I am scared that when i am 30 i still cant get over it and marry her and i eventually get too old to become a dad. I can not imagine breaking up with her because i really love her and i cant imagine that i will ever find someone that i will remotely love her like i do. I know it is my problem and her past is her past but i am just lost… i feel like crying writing this.. i feel hopeless because there is nothing i can do.. she knows my feelings and she says she hopes eventually we will get over this together.. i dont want to loose her.
Is there any hope? Did any of you have any similiar experience? Would love to hear your opinions.
21 comments
It was before you, it doesn’t matter. Are you close to your cousin?
So she was 18 and you were 23 when you got together? And your cousin is 2 years older than you? Was she a minor when they slept together? Seems so weird and wrong
Are you having a hard time because she had any sexual partner before you, or specifically because it was your cousin?
Wow. Was he having sex with her when she was a minor? That’s sick. I’d cut him off. Talk to her about it and how it happened because that’s predatory.
OP, you need to seek a professional to help guide you mentally and get over this. If it wasn’t your cousin, it would be another reason. If you love her and want to marry her, you need to sort yourself out first.
If you don’t, this feeling you have about your cousin and her will become an issue that will eventually cause the end of your relationship. How do you have a future with her if you’re stuck in her past? She and your cousin have moved on from what it sounds like. Your cousin sounds like he respects you enough to not bring it up and your lady understands that this is tough thing to get over.
I suggest you really look into why you are allowing your ego to get in the way of your love. What’s the big deal with your cousin? Why are you so paranoid with low self-esteem? Or is it because you wish you had sex with someone else, too? Why blame her when the blame is on you?
Get to therapy
This is more about some issue you have with your cousin and not about her at all. You will ruin your relationship with someone you say you love over this cousin thing. Maybe work through your cousin issues or let this woman go to get on with her life. It’s not her problem.
I don’t get it.. Are you losing your mind because your cousin is a predator, or because your girlfriend was a grooming victim?
Not a big deal. If you like her, her past sexual life becomes unimportant.
There are way more important things in life than someone’s sexual past.
THERAPY, NOW !
You need therapy
What you’re going to do right now is this:
Close your eyes…
Picture your girlfriend.. think about her being your wife..
Stop caring about something that doesn’t matter at all..
Ask her to marry you straight away, because nothing else matters.
Have a lovely fulfilling life with the woman of your dreams..
Who either of you fucked before you met each other is irrelevant..
Therapy. You need a serious mindset change. Look for a therapist who uses CBT and DBT.
CBT to deal with the cognitive distortions that are causing these negative feelings. Because these thoughts you have are irrational cognitive distortions. If you can properly reframe these thoughts it will help.
DBT helps with emotional regulation. That can help reduce the intensity of these feelings.
Get over it. It’s a ‘nothing’ issue. Just avoid the cousin.
This is entirely a YOU problem.
They’ve both been honest with you. They’ve both moved on but they can’t go back and change the past.
Someone commented that you should talk to him but, honestly, talk to him about what? What are you looking for? Details? Seems counterproductive. Nothing he can say will change the past.
Other than the age difference being a little yuck, they didn’t do anything wrong or to hurt you.
If you don’t see a future dorm waste her time
Break up with her or spend less time with your cousin. Pick one.
Her past is what made her into the woman you profess to love. Grow up. You’re not 12
Introduce her to your dad and keep it in the family
Your cousin victimized a 17 year old girl for sex and you forgive him?! But your gf who WAS a naive victim, you say you “can’t get over it?!” So you are holding it against HER whether you want to admit it or NOT!
You say you love her, but part of love is understanding mistakes that they made before they were in a relationship with you. Not FORGIVING because there is nothing to forgive since she wasn’t with you, but understanding and here is where you are lacking.
At 28 I would expect more maturity than that. Let her go and find someone less judgmental than you, she deserves it after what your cousin did. Or MAN UP!