Tonight my boyfriend of 7 years is presenting something really exciting at his work. I was invited along, but I injured my leg pretty badly earlier this week and can’t walk. So I’m at home alone, waiting to hear about how it went, and I’m feeling anxious and jealous and suspicious.
He doesn’t deserve this. For 7 years he has been nothing but wonderful to me, and even if we have arguments here and there, I truly couldn’t imagine a better partner.
I could justify my feelings by talking about my childhood or my previous relationships but, honestly, I’m sick of myself. I’ve been in therapy for years, spending thousands of dollars to fix trauma and insecurity, but it never ends. Hell, I’m a fully grown adult writing this post on reddit just so I don’t spiral into a tantrum. How embarrassing is that?
I am almost certain I will destroy this relationship with my poor mental health, but I wish I could enjoy our relationship while he is still with me instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Has anyone been in a similar predicament? How did you get through it? I’m desperate to know. Xx.
15 comments
What are you on the verge of throwing a tantrum over? The fact that he went to a work thing without you because you literally can’t walk? Im a bit confused at what’s got you upset in the first place at this point.
Sounds like you need a new therapist. 6 years and no results sounds like a shit therapist.
If your therapy isn’t working, seek another type of therapy. I was in talk therapy for years. I just talked about my problems and trauma, that’s it. It did nothing for actually correcting behaviors. CBT and EMDR has been amazing. Good luck
I’ve sort of been in the same situation
My ex (we’re still best friends, we broke up for reasons outside of my mental health) was very patient, supportive and empathetic. This, along with therapy, helped me change for the better
Being genuinely apologetic and realising one’s mistakes is the first step, but actually changing your behaviour is what makes all the difference. Apologies start to become meaningless if there is no change over time
If your boyfriend is still with you, then perhaps he is happy to be in a relationship with you
Probably not what you want to hear, but therapy doesn’t always “help”. Not when you view “help” as a magical fix or a personality change.
Therapy is a tool. A tool that you can use to take control of the negative narrative in your head and manage it. It may never go away. Don’t expect it to.
Some people suffer a lot of negative thoughts in the evenings. They can be a really dark time and it’s rough battling that every single night. It’s even more rough when you’re in a happy, healthy relationship and you feel like you’re failing your part of that, which leads to a lot of internalised guilt. A supportive partner who knows of your troubles would not hold this against you, as long as you’re taking appropriate steps to minimise the effects of your destructive behaviours or thoughts.
It’s tricky. Sometimes when we say that someone may not be ready for a relationship it can be because while in one their anxiety is constantly triggered and the feedback loop active, which can make even therapy tricky because you go into it agitated so to speak. In that sense being alone can help, especially if you have a relatively stable lifestyle, so that you can maximise the impact of your therapy and make progress.
And like, yes, I get that is the pragmatic but not desired answer. So failing that the goal is really just a focus on mindfulness exercises, trying to stop the spiral when you’re alone, to challenge the thoughts or distract yourself. Therapy can be helpful for those sorts of toolsets so it can depend on what it is you are getting from therapy and asking for.
But none of this ‘fully grown adult’ stuff. Stop putting yourself down. This isn’t a ‘predicament’ or whatever, you are an adult with trauma doing her best to improve and grow. That is a big deal, that is something many struggle with and you reaching out isn’t embarrassing at all. Part of regaining your balance will be stopping yourself from using all those negative words, that is part of the feedback loop.
triggered.
sorry, i won’t reply.
Every day is a new day. There’s no finality in behavior, it can change. Take a deep breath and remind yourself of the difference between rational and irrational thought.
You making this post alone, shows that you are more than capable. It’s the people with no self awareness that crash and burn. It’s a hard thing to break but if you stay in the moment and do your best, then you’re doing everything that’s in your control. Good luck.
Call a friend, face time someone or invite them over. If the anxiety spikes being alone, reach out to other people in your support network.
Sounds like your the type that just needs reassurance at night that’s, all to me.
You looking for ways to push him away because if you hurt him and he leaves you the pressure if worrying about if he’s going to leave you will subside itself. That’s mental health issues 101 lol ( I made that shit up but I promise you, once you see it you can’t unsee it happening)
Good luck girl, he makes you happy be happy, you deserve it he deserves it. I rather be the guy that needs to reassure a girl rather then be the guy that has to deal with cheating lol
Don’t ever give up on yourself. You are putting in the time and effort to try and be better, which is the best kind of assertiveness. You recognize you have flaws and want to be better.
And always remember, he’s still choosing you. He could wake up tomorrow and decide he hates the color of your toothbrush and end it, but he doesn’t. He sees you. He knows you. In spite of and because of our flaws our partners feel love for us. Something you hate about yourself may very well be endearing to him. Celebrate the win of having a partner that accepts you a is! And double celebrate for wanting to better for that partner! At the end of the day, it’s up to you to want the relationship enough to fight for it. You can do it, OP.
Be honest to him. Do tell him that due to past trauma, you feel anxious and jealous and that you know is not his fault, that you know he’s wonderful and he would never betray you, and that your issues are your own and you’re trying to work on them but it’s still hard.
Listen, trauma never goes away. It just doesn’t, it’s like a chronic decease. What we learn, in therapy, self help books, meditation, anything else that you want to try, is **healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the trauma** that will always be there. If your goal in therapy is to get rid of trauma, it just won’t happen, it’s like a scar. Your goal should be learn mechanisms to self soothe and reassure yourself. I suffer from general anxiety, and at some points it’s crippling and paralyzes me, but what I’m still learning is to identify the source of the anxiety and deal with that. If the source is in the past, I can’t change the past, but I can remind myself that I’m not in that situation anymore. I can look around, be in the present, identify the current situation, and realize that is not the same situation that I lived in the past.
Frame your relationship this way: he loves you, he wants to be with you, he continues to be wonderful to you after 7 years together even though the honeymoon phase is gone. This is a good thing! When the honeymoon phase is gone, it also means that the rose tinted glasses are also gone, and you see each other for who you truly are. He sees you, the true you, and he goes “yep! I want to stay!” and he works on disagreements with you in a constructive way, because he wants to keep building this amazing relationship with you. It’s impossible not to have disagreements because we all are different people and think differently, but it’s important to deal with them in a healthy fashion, and he does. You do too, because otherwise you wouldn’t be together, despite how you think of yourself.
Don’t self sabotage. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years because he frequently would tell me I didn’t deserve to be treated well, and I believed him because I already had that belief of myself and how I was treated by my abusive family. Until one day, enough was enough, and with the help of a friend from college, I left that abusive relationship because something broke in that discourse that I deserved abuse. We don’t. We deserve love, and care, and happiness. All humans deserve this.
I met my current spouse 20 years ago, and at first, I was too self sabotaging. It felt so alien to be treated right, with love, with care, with understanding. Definitely not what I had before in my life! Brains seek what they’re familiar with, even if it’s not the best idea. My brain was finding so strange that someone would actually love me and not want to abuse me in any way, that at first it rebelled against the notion. My spouse had nothing but patience, knowing about all my history of past abuse. We’ve been together all this time and we plan to continue to be together and a lot of people are surprised on how we still treat each other with so much love and want to do things together (still respecting our personal space too) and people think it’s magical but it’s not, it was a lot of work and tears. Completely honest communication was and is what keeps us together.
Get out of the tragic mentality that you will ruin your relationship, don’t make it a self fulfilling prophecy. Work together with him. Be honest and keep the perspective because you know your trauma is not his fault, so don’t blame him or accuse him, but tell him how you feel and how you’re working on it and what things are working and what other things aren’t. Perhaps he has ideas or perspectives that could help.
Some of this is me making assumptions off of things you have mentioned, so I may be way off.
Nonetheless, I get it. I suffer from hypervigilance and other symptoms of complex ptsd constantly. The other day, I just had a moment where I realized…I am not made to live my life so defeated and terrified all of the time. And neither are you!!
It really takes self-discipline. Definitely keep going to therapy, but also get yourself a tool belt, so to speak, of coping mechanisms. Just because a thought pops into your head doesn’t mean it’s true. Redirect it. You are the captain here. No, you can’t control the storms nor the waves, but you do control your response to them. Feel like someone’s about to break in? Assess your surroundings. Lovingly pull yourself and your nervous system back in. Convince yourself you are safe (which trust me, I know is fucking hard after you’ve experienced repetitive trauma, etc). I use the 444 breathing a lot. It helps. It’s science…it literally will help you and your body calm down.
Remember that you are an adult now (I don’t at all mean this meanly, tone is so hard to convey through text). You’re not the same scared, little girl in a toxic environment anymore… but she is still in there. So when you feel the chaos ensue, use your adult self to lovingly pull her back into the present.
Don’t allow yourself to fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think you’ll surely end the relationship due to your mental health? Then, yes, you will. It doesn’t have to be like that, though.
Lastly, not that you came across this way, but just in case… remember your boyfriend is there to support you, but ultimately, this is your responsibility. I’ve learned the hard way not to look for certain things in other people that you should’ve been looking for within yourself.
Best of luck, and sending lots of love your way. 💓
I feel you. Whenever I feel insecure (and it always happens in the evenings when I’m the most tired) I try and talk to someone. A friend, a family member who you trust. Oftentimes they’ll help you seeing things from a different perspective, calm you down or just help to distract yourself from these negative thoughts.
Up until a year or two ago, I suffered from the same thing. I came really close to ending multiple relationships due to excessive worry, jealousy, and anxiety. I also have spent a decade in therapy and my therapist at the time wasn’t too much help… it’s a pretty specific type of problem.
I worked my ass off to get better and would love to help someone else. If you reply to me here or DM I’ll give you a run down of what I did! It’s a lot to type, or otherwise, I’d just do it now.