Never Even Dated…

I used to like this guy a lot. I’m talking head over heel, heart eyes, constant smiles, etc. I was so down bad for him. He does wrestling and there was this wrestling tournament at my school and there was a volunteering event for that so I decided to go. Mind you, it was like a 10-12 hours event. And I still decided to go. For him. Purely. I didn’t care about the hours. I didn’t even care for wrestling. I went to a 10,12 hours volunteering event for him. And honestly, it paid off. We started talking after that. I don’t think we’d ever start talking if I didn’t go to that event and met him there. Also, I wasn’t even sure if I was gonna see him there, but I did it anyway because I was that crazy for him. If you’re wondering how I got to that point in the first place, the answer is I’m not sure. I talked to him once or twice in class, and I really clicked with him. Like I’ve never clicked with a guy like that before. So we started talking more and more, both online and in person. But then I don’t remember what happened but I got bored(?) and lost interest in him. Gradually. He started getting on my nerves. Like everything he does started getting on my nerves. And I tried. I really tried to get those feelings back but it just got worse and worse. We stopped talking for a while. And finally, he said something. He texted me saying he kept waiting for me to talk to him first but I never did and he just wants to know what’s going on between us. And so I broke it off. Well, we broke it off after that and never talked again. I realized that I lost interest because he wasn’t the guy I thought he was when I talked to him the first few times. It wasn’t in a good or bad way. He just wasn’t my type, or the type of guy I was looking for anymore. This is gonna sound pretty shitty but stick with me. He was too sensitive and vulnerable, for a lack of better word. Or maybe it’s my commitment issues. One time, he said happy valentine’s and I didn’t say it back so he called me mean and wouldn’t tell me why until I forced it out of him. I was pretty stressed at that time because of some competition so I was not in the mood at all for dealing with his pettiness and childishness. I don’t know if those are the right terms for it, but yeah. I’m pretty sure I’m probably the issue here, but he was in his emotions a lot. Like I said, very sensitive and vulnerable. I am very emotionally unstable and I was going through some stuff, so having a bf who’s also like that just wasn’t gonna work. I needed someone to be strong enough to be there for me because I really didn’t have that. I didn’t have that support system so I needed, or rather wanted, a guy to be that for me. So obviously, I wasn’t and couldn’t deal with him. I felt like I was comforting him more than he was comforting me, which sounds soooooo shitty and petty. But I wasn’t, still not, in the space to be that person for him. I needed that person in him, rather than being that person for him. I felt like I was the one wearing the pants in the relationship and that was kinda a turn-off. Basically I wasn’t a good fit for him, he wasn’t a good fit for me. We weren’t compatible. But after a while after we broke it off, I started thinking about him again. Like, I still think he’s cute and I know it’s normal to think your ex or the person you used to like cute still, but it’s not that simple. I still think he’s cute like how I used to think he was cute. He’s not even my type look-wise. Even my friends say so. And the idea of him that attracted me got broken, so I don’t know why I still think he’s cute in that way. I don’t know anymore to be honest. I’m dealing with so much stuff right now, and having this is barely anything compared to that, but I just need to stop with this. Stop liking him. I need to get over him, actually over him and move on. I haven’t liked anyone else ever since after him. I tried liking this guy and I did like him somewhat but he was no doubt a rebound. I need advice on this. I feel pathetic since I was in control and I was the one who broke it off and now I’m the one still all up in my feelings. And yes, I know I have issues and I was most likely the issue. A girl told me once I should probably say sorry to him. So yes, I know, I am aware. Please give me advice on this! Any help would be appreciated!