My Husband [33M] and I [29F] had only been married about six months but have been together about four years. I’ve noticed several particular things that either a) trigger bad memories related to traumatic experiences, or b) disrupt my task flow and derail my personal routines. I believe I have a form of neurodivergence, and I’ve known my triggers and habits for a long time – so this isn’t just a fad or some sudden-onset psychosomatic condition.
I had brought the actions that cause me distress to his attention, asked why he does such things, shared how I felt about them and asked for the things to be addressed so we can move forward. I am always assured it will be, but then it’s repeated and the cycle goes on. I feel unheard and jaded about some of it but I’m trying not to let it affect the way I interact with him, because after all, we’ve sworn to be together for better or for worse. Maybe that’s why lately, it’s gotten worse.
For example, I would offer to pick up food for him and he would refuse to get something, and when I get it for myself, he would eat from my plate without asking. I admit I sometimes eat off of his plate, but I always ask permission first. He tells me I don’t need his permission because what’s his is mine too, but I still always ask because I would want someone to extend the same courtesy to me. It also allows someone to have control and consent over an interaction instead of being forced into accepting the consequence, and honestly, because it is just the polite thing to do.
Sudden loud noises are triggers for me and he knows this, and one of the loudest things he does is blowing his nose. I’ve asked if he could maybe find a way to warn me if he’s about to do that, or be gentler with the way he blows his nose, or do it while I’m not in the same room. At first he listened to me and it wasn’t a thing for a few days, and then it just reverts and here we are again.
Another thing that is very important to me is the condition of my resting quarters. The bed needs to be clean, the covers are properly in place, the temperature just right, and the pink noise set at the right volume. I get up earlier than him most days, and when I get out of bed in the mornings, I would straighten my bedside so it could be easier for him to fix his side of the bed when he gets up. That way, it’s ready at the end of the day. I told him how important this was to me because it sets the tone for the rest of my day. Like anything, it would be good a few days, then we’re once again back to square one.
And the icing on the cake is a consistently condescending tone of voice when he talks to me about how I do tasks. I don’t operate like most people. If I start a task, I intend to be thorough and see it through in one sitting – day or night. Otherwise, I don’t get a sense of accomplishment and the task will just cause me anxiety for the remainder of my waking time for the day. This is an especially sore subject regarding our business. I’m supposed to be in charge of logistics and operations but I don’t have the autonomy to perform my tasks the way that works for me. It has to fit his style and schedule or I’m made to feel like I’m messing up constantly.
I’m always told this is a 50/50 partnership, but lately I feel like a subordinate, a less than, a constituent.
How do you ask your spouse to respect your boundaries?
6 comments
How did you not notice these thing before getting married? Its not that either of you is right or wrong rather what you are describing points to fundemental behavior differences. Have you considered marriage counseling?
“It has to fit His style and schedule or I’m made to feel like I’m messing up constantly “
Have you considered your husband may feel the same? As you said it should be 50/50, which means Both parties should come together and find common ground.
Boundaries are for you, not other people.
You set your own boundaries. You do not ask others to set them for you.
What your husband is doing is considered emotional abuse. He knows it hurts you and does it anyways because he wants to hurt you.
If his behavior has radically changed or escalated since you got married, major red flag you got yourself a psychological abuser.
It honestly sounds like you probably need to walk backwards out of this marriage.
Highly recommend Dr. Ramani on Youtube for resources as well as reaching out to an individual therapist to discuss your husbands behavior.
I’m also not going to lie it sounds like you have some obsessive behaviors, like having to have the bedside perfect everyday just the way you like it. And he’s exploiting that.
>but i don’t have the autonomy to perform my tasks the way that works for me.
This is interesting because outside of your husband picking at your food (which he shouldn’t) the same could be said for him.
He has to warn you that he’s about to blow his nose. Needs to make sure the bed is clean, covers properly in place, temperature just right, pink noise set at the right volume.
It’s like you want him to give in to all your wants and needs your way but then you don’t expect to do the same his way.
This comes down to the two of you need to hash things out and see what’s worth dying on the hill so to speak and what’s not. It’s a compromise. You both have to
It sounds like you have some requirements that he doesn’t understand or take seriously. I have to admit I would feel like some of those things are silly and not ever worth a fight. Our issues are always only our responsibly. Maybe couples counseling? But a boundary is for you. He doesn’t have to follow it. It’s up to you to decide what to do if he doesn’t and stick to it. Also, there’s some hypocrisy here when you say he must have things his way, directly after explaining all of the things that you must have your way. You probably shouldn’t work together if you are unable to bend, and if you stick to your boundaries, maybe you shouldn’t be together at all. Make sure you are upfront about these things in a relationship, so the other person knows that they won’t change and whether they are able to handle it.
I have two things for boundaries/triggers. This video. https://youtu.be/rxDYWXtoswk. How do I get people to stop triggering me.
And this podcast on boundaries. https://beyondbitchy.com/