My boyfriend is still on great terms with his ex. They’re great friends. She has a new boyfriend who she obviously loves and while he hasn’t said it yet I feel very loved by him often.
We’ve been dating for 8 months and they broke up years ago. I’m even friends with her too!
The problem is, we once spoke about soulmates and I said my best friend since pre k is my platonic soulmate and he said his ex was his. It made me feel jealous even then but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.
Now my family is going away for the week and I invited him over. He said no cos he’s seeing her. She’s got time off work and is there to see her boyfriend in the same town. I’m still gonna meet her at the weekend when I go to see him but it’ll be the four of us.
In the meantime I’ll be spending the week alone thinking about how he might be hanging out with her.
I know he would never cheat on me and she’d never cheat on her boyfriend. It still hurts to know that he is ultimately choosing her over me.
He sees me a lot and I’m not asking for him to spend the whole week with me (he lives 30-40 mins away). It just hurts that when given the option he’s choosing her.
I don’t know if I should talk to him about this or not. I think if I don’t then it’ll ultimately hurt me more but I also don’t want to come across like a controlling girlfriend who doesn’t want her boyfriend to hang out with other women?
12 comments
This man really goofed by telling you his ex “was” his soulmate. It’s hard enough to deal with exes in a relationship but once it is clear that this particular one, which you are also friends with, is the one that got away, you are dealing with another level. If I got the chance to spend a week with my gf while her parents are out of town, vs seeing my ex and her current bf I would never in a million years pick the latter unless I was prioritizing that relationship. Actions always speak louder OP, you should really have a heart to heart with this fellow and ask him where his head and heart are at in this relationship.
Do you trust him?
That’s the only question you need to answer.
It’s hard to compete with history. It’s not that you aren’t enough for him, it’s that he’s not ready to be in a loving committed relationship with anyone.
You definitely need to talk to him otherwise this is going to build up. Just sit him down and let him know there have been time he’s hurt your feelings by prioritizing his friendship with her or speaking of her as she has more worth. I’d explain it’s odd he’d forgo a week with his gf for a friend. Let him know You just want to make sure you’re not setting yourself up to be hurt bc he has attachment to her still. Give specific examples of when you’ve felt uncomfortable.
I agree open communication is the best solution here. Maybe ask him why they broke up in the first place if it’s something you’re curious about. Also since he lives 30-40 mins away and your family is away for a whole week, is it possible for you to visit him throughout the week not just the weekend?
Possibly random question, this best friend you said was your platonic soulmate wouldn’t happen to be male? Maybe he was hurt and lashed out, otherwise big oof
He’s still into the ex. Doesn’t sound like he ever got over her. You should be his priority if you two are together. Let him know you are not going to be second to his ex. Dump him and find someone that makes you feel like you mater.
Ooof. I don’t really have good advice but i can relate. You’re not alone. My partner consistently spends more time with his ex than he does with me and she’s almost all he talks about. It really sucks feeling like the last priority.
It is a matter of timing. Wait till a moment when you are together and you have his attention. Then you can share with him how you feel: while you think it is OK that he is still in contact with his ex, sometimes you would like to be prioritized, something like that.
Do not – do not expect him to understand or agree. He will get defensive, he will say that you misunderstand and that things were actual different.
Don’t argue or fight it. You made your point and he heard it. That’s all you can expect and hopefully he is smart and sensitive enough to adjust his behavior in the future.
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He probably is quite outgoing with an ease in relationships…. that’s how he sees himslef and doesn’t think there is anything at all wrong with him – isn’t everything with the ex upfront? isn’t he totally hones? If that comes up, let him know that that is NOT the point, the point is you yourself, that you like to be valued as his # 1 and there are times when you dont feel valued.
I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend of a year and his ex (who dated him for a couple years) was reaching out to him constantly even thought it’s been 3 years since they’ve broken up. It was flirty at first (he replied by mentioning me and that he was in a new relationship) then she even went as far to ask him and I go meet up with her. I compromised and trusted him and I didn’t think much about it and almost agreed to meet her, despite how many times I told him I wasn’t comfortable that they were conversing. However, it’s not ok to normalize behavior that makes you unhappy and uncomfortable for the sake of his happiness and I also realized this. I set a boundary with him and told him, “I know you care about people from your past or who had a big part of your life but you need to also remember what is more important. Your current relationship or your past relationship?” Please, set the boundaries. If he doesn’t comply, he obviously doesn’t prioritize your relationship over the one with his ex. Put yourself first. It will take a huge mental toll on you until you communicate this with him.
Maybe you should look at your fears and insecurities and ask yourself why you feel jealous of a relationship you said you have nothing to worry about.
People that have recognized a soul mate connection wish nothing more than to be with that person but it obviously didn’t work for many reasons
Just like your soul mate connection, regardless of how many times you give it a try, nothing will change until one or both undergo deep inner transformation.
Even if they did have sex again, the two of them would be right back in conflict and uncomfortable feelings, for they never bothered addressing the real problem.
The same goes for you. Also understand if you believe in soul mate connections, know that the 2 of you are together to probably help you have past wounds brought to the surface, mirrored back to you by them.
Your first instinct is to point your finger at them but I’d really take a better look at things
I know that when I feel jealous, it’s because I believe I get to decide for the other person how they feel or who they have feelings for.
Nobody owns anybody, even if you’re married.
Everyone is entitled to choose for themselves who they love and how they express it. We tend to think that just because we’re dating someone that the person is “my man” or “my girl” but that’s how you get in trouble.
Find a way to shape your perception of reality to make room for a new way of looking at partners.
The both of you have freedom to choose, and if it means another person, so be it. You must accept their choice. The harder you try and resist, the worse it becomes for you.
We’re supposed to be all equal right? If so, we all have a choice to choose whoever or whatever we want, even if our choice is happy for us but makes another sad.
The feelings you feel are yours to deal with.
Too often we blame someone else for “making” us feel a certain way which indicates someone who lacks responsibility over their own feelings.
It’s ok to feel hurt if they choose someone else but in the end, if you truly love someone unconditionally, it means you love them even if they’re in someone else’s bed.
If you can’t find it within you to still have love for them, your love was never coming from a pure source, but one where you wanted something back in return for offering your love
Honestly op, it doesn’t necessarily sound like anything sketchy is going on. I can understand the hurt feelings from your bf choosing to spend time with her over you, but I can also understand why he would if he doesn’t see her often. Though, I doubt that he’ll be spending all of his time with her, considering her and the bf are going to want some alone time.
You can speculate about their dynamic all night/day if you want, but at the end of the day the question just comes down to your comfort.
Regardless of what’s actually going on between them, you have a right to be uncomfortable with an ex being in the picture. But you have two options here.
1- battle feelings of jealousy over this girl that you may not ever truly be okay with, and may drive a wedge between you and your bf
2- walk away.
I think number 2 might be your best option. While there’s probably nothing going on between them, it makes you uncomfortable. That itself is reason enough to leave. It doesn’t make either of you the bad guy. Some peoples lives just don’t fit with others. It’s the unfortunate truth of dating. You just need to consider your boundaries, and how long you’re willing to be uncomfortable with this situation. You’re always going to wonder, against all logic, if something is going on. You already are. These are normally feelings that grow, not fade, over time. Trust your gut and do what you think is best here. But don’t try and change their relationship. More often than not, if it comes down to a choice posed by you that he has to make, he will choose her.
Best of luck ❤️