My spouse (31m) told me (28f) that I was their main source of stress: it’s not their job, the bills, or the house, it’s me. They are constantly stressed about my responses, attitude, the way I act, what I do, etc. They have gone on and on about the specifics of what I do wrong, which usually isn’t as constructive as it sounds. I understand what I can do to change and improve, but as the base, the things about me that they stress about, are me.
Note- we’ve been together for 6 years, married for 1.5 years. I am not leaving, just wondering where to go from here?
TL;DR! my spouse doesn’t get stressed about anything but me.
6 comments
He can’t make his job cry, so he takes things out on you.
Are there consistent themes to this though? – that’s not “you” that’s relationship issues
>I am also going through something very similar. A very aggressive relationship with lots of apologizing and regret. Yet, it still happens over and over. I often find my self freezing, disassociating, and frequently forgetting chunks of conversations because I’m no longer mentally there. They aren’t doing it intentionally, it was what they were raised on: it’s what they know. And I have never known this type of aggression before I met them. So you can imagine how confused I feel every time they get aggressive and my inner child is crying and trying to escape the situation, simply because I don’t understand how someone can love me so much, have my side, fight to the death for me, but still get so aggressive and angry with me that I usually end up in tears, asking myself if I should leave for the sake of both of our mental health, and trying to calculate my escape plan that will probably never happen.
>
>Please use this time you have to your self, living by yourself, and cherish it. I have wished so many times recently that I could have the ability to be alone, with just myself. Not to have my heart jump when they open a door, or feel the pain in my chest when I say something they don’t understand. I feel your pain, and I am with you. Sending hugs, and hoping we can both come out the other side happier.
And yet you sit here in THIS sub saying you’re not going to leave.
I mean, maybe it’s you? You didn’t list anything they actually have a problem with, you just have a problem with them having a problem.
It sounds like they’re telling you what they need in a partner, and you’re saying “Well, I’m not going to change, get over it.” In which case, you should decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.
You guys have possibly reached your expiration date. He’s unhappy and takes his frustration out on you probably hoping you’ll break up with him.
No matter what he’s thinking I’d break up anyway because this is all very unhealthy. You deserve better.
Counselling?
It sounds like either you will need to change your behaviour, your spouse will need to change her thinking, or you’ll need to break up. It could also be a combination of the first two. or maybe your spouse is overly critical. A marriage counsellor should help you figure out whether you’re behaviour is hurtful, your spouse is too sensitive, or a combination of both, and should help the both of you communicate about that and come to solutions together.
There’s not enough info in your original post to say what’s actually happening. My hunch though, based on the fact you’ve been told your behaviour is hurtful and instead of being open to working to change you’ve decided the behaviour “is you,” is that you are genuinely over critical or otherwise unreasonable and your spouses feelings are a response to that. However, it could be the opposite; without specific examples it’s hard to know or give good advice