I (31F) and my partner of almost 5 years (32M) barely have sex once a month now.
(Throwaway for privacy)
When we first started dating, we had sex multiple times a day. Probably within the last 2 years, it’s become non existent. I have a high sex drive, I’m very open minded and love to explore and try new things. I’ve been initiating sex for the past few years and am constantly declined, due to my partner being too tired or not really feeling like it.
I did become quite upset initially and would cry, then I tried several times to communicate and understand what was happening for him. Each time I was met with him becoming upset saying nothing was wrong, he loved me and was attracted to me still, he just didn’t feel like having sex all the time, and felt like I was pressuring him to have sex being so consistent.
Since that comment I have stopped initiating sex, and he has initiated twice in the past 3 months and those are the only times we have had sex.
On one hand I feel tricked, like this isn’t what I signed up for, and on the other hand I feel thankful that I’m with someone who isn’t just using me for sex/loves me for more than that.
I am a very sexual person, and have wanted to try things like remote control vibrators out to dinner, weekends away purely to have sex with toys in a hotel room, try different types of bondage and explore potential kinks. If my partner wanted me to do anything for him, pegging, role play etc I would try it because it would turn me on that it turns him on. I feel like I have discovered we are quite mismatched here, and I don’t know if he has changed or was just doing it for me early on. For example one time I suggested the remote control vibrator and his reaction made me feel like this sex crazed fiend.
I guess I’m just wanting to hear if this is normal..I think he’s planning on proposing based on comments he has made, and I can see us having a great life together as our relationship is perfect aside from this.
I just can’t help fantasising about all of these sexual desires I potentially won’t get to live out and it really scares me.
49 comments
Sit down and tell him what you’ve told Reddit, the last couple sentences in particular. Sexual incompatibility isn’t always a deal breaker, but if there’s more too it then you have a right to know before you commit any further. If there isn’t, then it’s entirely up to you whether or not you can live with infrequent sex and (from what I’ve read) more vanilla heavy sex than kinky.
To me it sounds like you’ re not getting your needs met, so I think you need to seriously think whether or not you would want to be in an almost sexless marriage with him.
I’ve been working through this with the Mrs. for a bit now. The general steps as I see it:
– scheduled sex. You agree on the date/time, write it on the calendar to remind you both. At least this way you don’t have to ask and be rejected multiple times.
– increased/better solo time – fill in the gaps in-between scheduled sex session with masturbation. Get a new toy, knock yourself
– sex therapist ?
– open marriage/some sex on the side
IMO life is too short. Sexy fun and enthusiasm should be explored and enjoyed thoroughly.
Therapy for yourself and possibly a marriage therapist would be helpful.
Good luck to you. 🙂
I went through a stage like this with my husband. We’ve been together for forty years. There was a time in our thirties when I was lucky to get it once a month, but for most of our time together, it’s been great. We are both in our sixties now, and four, or five times a week is normal.
Talk to him about how u feel. If he isn’t open minded then consider finding another partner.
I am right there with you. I want to explore and play and try new things. I have brought it up, discussed it. Lucky if it happens twice a month, and it’s fucking killing me, to the point I try and initiate less because what’s the fucking point.
I don’t see it being mentioned yet, but there’s a good chance this could be low T (testosterone). Getting on Testosterone Replacement Therapy is a easy and getting diagnosed just takes a blood test.
What’s really troubling is the lack of effort or care he seems to show about this. I’ve been with my girl for 6 years now, and any time I’ve noticed any personal issues that have affected our relationship, I address them quickly.
He needs to show initiative on his part to get help and figure out what is going on with him, that’s the real issue in my opinion. The lack of effort.
You have to talk to him about it. Write him a letter. Get it all out in writing. Listen to what he says when he talks to you about it. Find the problem and work on a solution together. Stress is a big mental barrier for men. The last 2 years has undoubtedly sucked for most people. Or he’s taking care of himself and leaving nothing for you and feels ashamed to talk about it. I dunno, but If the sex has declined in your relationship there is a reason and also a solution. You just gotta figure out what and how TOGETHER.
Smiling, and making him feel like he makes you happy can go a long way in building trust.
Good luck
My last relationship was like this for the last 2 years. I think it was mismatched libidos, but for us, also indicative of other problems that were less concrete and harder to address. I found it very difficult as im like you when it comes to sex, and though I didn’t leave because of the sex, my leaving was in part because he knew how much it meant to me but wasn’t open to working together to find a solution.
This is not what you signed up for. Sadly, this is very common. The new relationship energy wears off and one side loses their drive.
I’m like you, I have a very high drive and I married someone with a basically nonexistent drive.
You cannot expect sex from him. At all. But he cannot expect a relationship from you.
That’s all there is to it. You can always leave. If he stopped doing chores. Or stoped contributing to bills. If he stopped spending time with you. Or started doing drugs. Or had an affair.
People become not what we thought we were signing up for all the time. At that point, we either stay and accept someone we likely would not even have dated had we known, or we leave
I finally left. But it took me 20 years of rejection to do so.
Sex is obviously very important to you but not to him.
This is a fundamental difference in your needs and desires.
It may be possible to come to a compromise but right now, you’re only doing what he wants (which is pretty typical in HL+LL relationships).
If you can actually find a compromise where you aren’t feeling so unsatisfied and he doesn’t feel pressured but so far, this discussion seems pretty one sided.
You’re not a bad person for sex being more important to you. You’re not sick or a freak or selfish or shallow.
This is like when one partner wants to settle down in the suburbs and have a couple kids and the other wants to stay child free (at least for a while) and travel around the world.
Your relationship may be great outside the bedroom but don’t discount how not great it is inside it. Your values in a relationship and ideas about what the future of that relationship will look like are not aligned.
It’s very possible to be with someone and have lots of wild, exciting sex for years and years. The idea that the “honeymoon” phase always fades or sex after marriage always dwindles is a myth. There are plenty of men and women with similar views towards sex as you.
Saying things like “not what i signed up for” isnt very helpful. Hes not service or a machine. Youre not renting him. Hes a human, going through life trying to figure shit out like the rest of us. Sex is almost ALWAYS most intense when you first meet. Its the excitement of a new person. Humans are very motivated by new/novelty things. So when time goes by, sex with the same person can start to lose that spark. It can come back though. It just takes time and effort from both sides. His hormones might be a little off. He might be stressed. Or he might just be feeling rather uninspired. Non of this is your fault and its not up to you to change him or fix him. But there may come a time when your libido drops, and I’m sure youll be grateful for his understanding in those periods too. People are allowed periods of low libido. But he does need to respect your feelings and admit that he is struggling.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change.
It’s very interesting to hear this issue from a women’s point of view. The wife and I are 14+ years in and the very vanilla sex is around once a month. We hire a sex coach and it was a total waste of money. $4,000 like we lit it on fire. I should have known that the coaching wouldn’t do anything when I suggested it and the wife blew a valve. 2 years later and she agreed but nothing happened. Zero change in outcomes. Is my wife lazy when it comes to our sex life, absofuckinglutely. Not once has she dressed up for sex or made special arrangements or really anything other than, I guess we could have the sex”. I asked the wife what she got out of the coaching and she said, “I learned that you are a kinky Bastard and I would have liked to explore that with you.” Past tense, we could explore the kink now but, ya know sex a “if I get to it, but there’s so much to do”, kind of thing. I suggested she get a thong and she blew a valve, “If that’s a part of your fantasies, you can put that out of your mind right now.” She asked me a bit ago why I didn’t have any fantasies and I replied that other than having a list of crap that will never happen, I see no point. It’s basically a laundry list of things that will never happen that your brain is laughing at you about. Listen I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s really nothing to be done. You can waste time and money but entropy is reality. Getting a coach or counselor does absolutely nothing other than make your partner feel attacked and they will respond by lowering their interest in sex which will make you more frustrated.
I find 2-3 times week perfect , one month I’m too sensitive and orgasm easily. Everyday and can’t achieve it.
You need to solve this before marriage and reconsider if you want to continue with this relationship and would be happy in this marriage. This isn’t going to get better after marriage (it can actually get even worse as the years go on especially if you decide to have children).
Objectively, twice in 3 months is quite low. The norm in long term relationships has been shown to be around 1-2 times a week. Some couples want more than that and some couples are happy with less. The thing is you both have to be relatively content and satisfied with the amount.
It’s one thing if both of you just aren’t making time for it as life gets busy. In this case, scheduling it usually helps a lot. It’s a whole other thing if your sex drives are very mismatched and one person is constantly getting rejected. Rejection leads to lower self esteem and then resentment.
You need to have a very serious convo with him. You need to tell him that your needs aren’t being met. Ask him what his ideal sex frequency is. If it’s very mismatched from yours then you really need to reconsider this relationship. Do you want to spend your life with someone who is content having sex several times a year? You’re still very young and life is too short for this.
Sexual drive changes over time. Just because he was interested 5 years ago, doesn’t mean he will be today. I would personally leave a relationship like this, regardless of compatibility in other areas.. intimacy is too important to me; if I don’t have it consistently it affects me too deeply to ever feel satisfied by anything else. But the internet can’t make that decision for you. All you can do it communicate your needs and of he isn’t able to meet them, you have a lot to think about. I’m so sorry!
My wife and I went through an odd dry-ish patch about 3 – 4 years after we were married in 1996. Not sure why, but we both travelled for work and focused on that, and we had our first child on year 6 of marriage. It got WAY better after that, and continued to be so. We’re in a health dry patch now (she is undergoing chemo), but her health is our focus now.
I had just gone through something similar. I knew that death bed imixpaintalot would be super upset with how little action I was getting in my marriage. Once a month was average but started going longer in between. I had mentioned divorce, because I’d rather be alone and not have sex than be with somebody who won’t have sex with me until they decide they want it. I dealt with it for years. A literal dead bedroom. It wasn’t until I mentioned divorce did anything change. We started weekly check ins. What we liked that week, what we didn’t like, what we’d like to see more of, ways to improve what we’ve been doing all along. It helped a lot. It opened a dialog. All these years I could never get a straight answer on why we’d go so long in between and although the looming thought of divorce put a lot of pressure on the first check in I’m seeing the results I’ve been begging for, for years. We once did the scheduled sex but it seemed so impersonal and not very sexy. Now we check in day of, “hey can you put me in your schedule later?” is usually how it works now. And we rain check if necessary and illnesses/being sick don’t count against one another in our weekly check ins. This is something very new we’re trying and only about a month in but it’s helped a lot.
I am exactly like you in my sex drive. My ex was like your bf…and then I found out she was cheating on me with multiple other guys. I didn’t stick around. My now fiancé and I have sex every two to three days. I am very satisfied now.
The more a guy claims there is nothing wrong the more likely it is for something to be wrong, especially if you’ve seen a change over time.
He could be dealing with low testosterone, some level of depression, or even stress. They can all reduce your sex drive and they would all be easy for a guy to dismiss and just say nothing is wrong.
It’s probably going to be a sensitive subject for him so tread lightly. Since he seems to already be sensitive to your higher sexual needs it might take some time and gentle coaxing to get him to look into solutions.
Lower sex drive as you age is also normal so he may have just had a bigger and earlier dip. In that case you’ll need to decide if love and occasiona sex is enough or if you need to make sex a higher priority.
Do it! Don’t let those fantasyland you have not become a reality you will enjoy and know what you do and don’t like 😉
Having a high sex drive is totally normal, and wanting someone who matches is totally normal. Sex is an incredibly important part of a romantic relationship. For me personally, if minimally an adequate amount of sex is not present, it’s not a romantic relationship and I question if this is what I want from a partner.
Life has ups and downs, so do relationships. It very well may be a mental, relationship, or testosterone/health issue.
But it’s been 2 years of insanely infrequent sex. It’s a desert and you’re looking for the Amazon rainforest. And the BF doesn’t seem to care about communicating, meeting you halfway, trying to get outside help (sex therapy), or working with you in this.
That’s alarming, and tenfold now given how long it has gone on.
I would definitely consider all of this and think about if this is what you want for your future. Marriage will not change this, only lock you both in further.
I have a high sex drive and this would be a deal breaker for me.
If this was my reality, I could hang out with platonic friends and be just as happy. No need for the stress and burden of this relationship if we’re not actually a romantic couple.
I don’t think he is the right person for you. Unfortunately you can leave or stay.
Or HRT for him.
He is only 32 and that is seriously not very old. The low testosterone stuff maybe yet I don’t know. Has his diet changed? Does he take vitamins ? Is it possible he has a vitamin, mineral, or nutritional deficiencies? Possibly side effects from medications? Lifestyle changes, for example was he a little wild and decided to tone that down? Has he had a problem with alcohol? Current or past smoker or nicotine use ? I ask these questions because when I was 31 I hit a spot where I was crazy low libido and it drove my ex absolutely crazy she was not happy. What happened with me was I stopped drinking and other let’s call them extracurricular activities that were not healthy. My body basically was freaking out and I had no desire for sex yet I had no clue why. So I went and seen a doctor and got a referral to a nutritionalist who had testing done. I worked on my diet, got my vitamins/minerals back on track, and felt like a new man. Another thing that helped me was I found new hobbies which oddly raised my sex drive. Seeing a counselor helped me learn how to deal with stress better. I know when I tell a lady there is nothing wrong and she is saying yep and basically pointing out my ass is on fire I best ask her to grab a fire extinguisher and help me out because she wouldn’t say anything if she didn’t love me. I really hope that you and your man can talk about things because he might need a little help us guys we don’t like asking for help. Best wishes for you two, and have a great day.
I’m begging you not to marry someone you’re so incompatible with sexually. You deserve a fulfilling sex life where you don’t have to beg for your needs to be met. Once a month sounds really abysmal for a couple that doesn’t even have children
This is very close to my story too…
Only the opposite way around.
We’re both 46 and I’ll be lucky if we have sex once every 4-6 weeks. Which kills me because I still have the sex drive and stamina of an 18 year old (which has become a curse, I thought it was my greatest selling point when we met 🤦🏼♂️)
If it helps, my sex drive dropped a lot after college and then got better when I started WFH (I was always so concerned about getting to sleep at a reasonable time otherwise). Now I can fall asleep faster so I don’t mind having sex before bed. It was all mental for me. Unhappy with work and stressed about trying to get to sleep and stuff.
Does he act differently towards sex if there is alcohol involved? If so, it’s a good chance that it is stress or at least something with his current mental state.
There are a lot of options worth exploring to address the sex drive drop, I wouldn’t give up on it, but I would talk to him about it before he proposes.
32M, and once a month? Definitely a super low drive. I can’t get enough. Ideally, I would like it 6 times a week.
I would 100 have him get his t checked. My husband had theeeee highest sex drive and within a month it completely stopped. He quit initiating, he quit craving it, he seen a dr and his T had totally tanked in a months time. He was a completely different person sexually bc of it. I thought it was me, but there was an underlying issue. Also want to add we are a little older (36@40)and still actively have sex 4+ times a week.
does he watch porn ? If you’re not sure, then you need to find out. A lot of people don’t even realize this, because it’s normalised to watch porn, but it’s mostly the reason why men don’t want to have sex. If he is actually addicted to it, then don’t try to blame him and support him to quit it, IF he does watch porn ofcourse. Otherwise it could be low testestorone
Is there a possibility he’s seeing someone else?
My best friend went through something similar with her ex husband. Things were going great for the longest time and out of nowhere they essentially stopped sleeping together. No matter how much she initiated the romance or conversations he was always too tired or wasn’t in the mood. There was always an excuse with him why….turns out he was sleeping with someone else.
Assuming there isn’t a medical issue or other obvious factor such as schedule inversion / LDR then you don’t have a great “excuse”.
If that’s the case then run away. If you’re not attached legally or have kids it’s the easiest thing you can do to resolve your relationship dissatisfaction which will ultimately create a great deal of resentment towards them.
If they can’t respond to your request now, it’ll only get worse when it’s harder to get out of the relationship.
Do it for your own mental health.
Personally, I’ve seen a dive in my relationship too. The sex is awesome when we have it and we are passionate but work life hobbies, we just prioritize a lot over sex for better or worse. Also ima night sex person and my so is morning so that has an effect on frequency. It doesn’t bother us because we both are sexual around each other and it’s more of a prioritization thing. But we went from 3-4 times a week to 2-3 a month now . We’ve been together and live together 5 years
Don’t marry him! Been there done that. You don’t wanna spend your life like this
Girl I have no advice but this just sounds like my idea of hell. Sending love, I hope you figure out something that works out for both of you
You should check out r/deadbedroom
If you’re disappointed with your sex life now before you’re married, you’re going to be even more disappointed in 10 years when twice in 3 months was your starting point. Sex is an important part of a relationship, especially if you’re highly sexual. I wouldn’t marry him without having a serious talk about your expectations. If he agrees to try more, then maybe it can be ok, but anything less than that and I believe you’re setting yourself up for disaster.
Have his hormone balances tested and, if they’re out of whack, find a doctor who can prescribe bio-identical hormones.
Unfortunately I am in the same boat. I’ve been with my partner for the last 3 years and 2 of them have been with an almost nonexistent sex life. There was a time where we went 10 months without sex. He doesn’t have the drive AT ALL. He tells me he’s not asexual. He still says he loves me and finds me attractive but he is never in the mood. He says he likes the pleasure from sex but he says he loves cuddling with me a lot more than sex. Cuddling is his favorite thing in the world. I need that sexual connection with him and I’ve been telling him that he needs to go to therapy and get on medication to help him with his depression and anxiety but he says he has no time. I believe him- I see it. But it’s so disheartening as I also cry like you do when I’m constantly rejected. Sometimes we have sex once a month. Sometimes it’s once every 2 months. Sometimes it’s once every 10.
It’s just really difficult. I understand being a woman as well and having a higher sex drive. I’m only 23 and it’s been going on since I was 21. He’s only a year older than I am.
I hope you can find some solution. I’m staying with my partner because I love him so much and we have all the same moral, ethical, and family values (child free) and it’s hard to find that where I live. Please do what you feel is right.
How do you think your partner would feel about having scheduled days for intimacy? I know it doesn’t sound like the sexiest thing but I was in the same position as you are with my partner. After multiple conversations he was the one who actually brought it up. We now make time to do it every Saturday or Sunday and let me tell you, it has lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. Not having the anxiety of wondering if I should initiate, am I being too pushy, will I just get rejected again etc has been a total game changer. Would I like to have more spontaneity? Sure, and maybe that day will come one day. But for now I am perfectly content with where we’re at. Side note it is surprisingly nice being able to prepare a little since you know when it will happen, be it grooming or whatever or just getting your mind right.
not too high at all. If this is the way it stays you are going to be unhappy. Don’t risk it
Did I get high and write this?
Sorry, all I can contribute is the recommendation it should be referred to as “expectations”.
That is all. The end.
Ugh – he needs to be open to addressing this or you both need to go your separate ways. Sex is one of life’s great pleasures and a major part of being in a romantic relationship. If your sex drives are this mismatched you don’t really have a future. Could be an issue that needs to be addressed (low testosterone was mentioned, maybe he’s cheating, addicted to porn, gay) or could be that’s who he is now. My husband’s sex drive was great in his 30’s and still is in his 40’s – there’s something up here and if he won’t deal with it you need to bail.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to have sex more than once a month. I’m a high libido woman so I totally get why this would be difficult to deal with.
At the end of the day sexual compatibility is super important so I would strongly suggest not marrying someone so deeply incompatible.
Your other needs (social and emotional) can be met elsewhere (friends and family) but when you are in a monogamous relationship your sexual needs are all on one person so you need to make sure you’re a good match.
I was married before. To a man who didn’t meet my sexual needs and it was honestly just so sad and lonely. I left and now I’m married to a man who – even after 14 years and 2 kids – *joyfully* fucks me twice a day every single day. Our relationship is a DELIGHT and absolutely doesn’t compare to my first marriage. Every single aspect is more joyful and connected because we are both getting our sexual needs met in a glorious way.
My first husband wasn’t a bad guy and our relationship was overall good, but it pales in comparison to this.
Don’t marry him, OP.
As usual, thread is littered with “fucking leave him!” Only a hand full have given decent “try everything first” responses.
Talk to his doctor and have some blood work done. Check his hormone levels. Explain the situation to his doctor. It very well could be medical.
I’m dealing this situation right now.
I could have written this myself about my last relationship (which ended in January). We were together a little over 5 years. I could go into detail about my situation, but I don’t have to, because it’s literally everything you wrote in your post.
Long story short – we loved each other A LOT but decided to part ways. It was sad because we thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. But, I moved out of state and it forced us to heavily re-examine things.
I’m single now and I’ve probably had more sex in the past 5 months than I did in the last 4 years of my relationship. I am having SO MUCH FUN and not looking back.
I’m 36, and I don’t want to waste any more time not getting fucked. It would have been a really sad existence if that were the case for the rest of my life….