I (22F) am fully convinced that FWB is the easiest way to make yourself feel like absolute shit. Had to cut off my FWB (22M) today because I fully deeped that I was literally sleeping with someone who only saw me as good enough for sex, and nothing more than that. I really thought I could do it because I do get horny at times but don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship.
I gave myself so many pep talks on how I was going to be emotionless before I got into the situation and then went on to catch feelings like the dumb ho that I am. Like how do you guys regularly sleep with someone without catching any feelings? How do I get to that point? Time and time again I am seeing that this may not be possible for me.
It’s so annoying and idiotic that I don’t want a relationship myself, yet am upset that this man doesn’t see me as relationship material. I think I’m upset because for men, 90% of the time, “I don’t want a relationship right now” just means “I don’t want a relationship with YOU”. Why did I start FWB with a guy I would make an exception to my “no dating rn” rule for, but would not make an exception to his “no dating rn” rule for me? Looks like it’s back to vibrator life again 😭😭
30 comments
Someone always catches feelings. You caught feelings first! 🤭
Sounds like the F part wasn’t there. Friends with benefits means FRIENDS. As in you have a good relationship where you do things socially and like and support each other etc yet sometimes have sex but no romantic relationship. If it’s literally just sex and see you next time that’s more of a fuck buddy. Obviously it’s not for everyone but there are certainly people who separate sex and intimacy/feelings
PSA:
Stop confusing Friends with Benefits and FUCKBUDDIES.
You had the latter. Get over it.
Welcome to the club. Currently going through the same. 🥴
Who the f** came up with the idea of fwb? I bet men did. Its an excuse to sleep with as many women as possible without any commitment.
I think FWB is very dependent on the individual. For some people it works great, for other people it would destroy their mental health, like what seems to be happening to you. I don’t think there is a right or wrong either way, just do what’s best for you.
Personally, I’ve never had a problem with having a FWB. But then again, my situation is pretty odd. I’m a guy and sort of bisexual, but also sort of straight? Like, I will have sex with both genders, but only have romantic relationships with women. The idea of a romantic relationship with a dude kind of makes me want to hurl lol, just feels weird and wrong to think about. Sex is fine with them, but romance is strictly a girl thing for me. I want to date, love, and marry a woman. All of my FWB have been guys, had no impact on my mental health because I have no romantic interest in males anyway. Maybe if I had a female FWB I would feel similar to how you’re feeling, since I actually want to be seen as relationship material to them. But that’s something I’ve never tried to do, because for some reason a female FWB feels wrong.
Now that I’ve actually typed this out, I’m realizing how weird I really am. Oh well though I guess. My point is, you do you. Do what feels best for you. If FWB makes you feel like shit, don’t have FWB. You’re justified in your feelings either way.
Maybe I’m “closed minded” but I dont think I have EVER heard of a fwb situation that lasts or ends in a healthy way.. sex is cool, emotional relationships are cool, but idk why everyone wants to try to do one without the other.. I dont get it tbh
Yeah I don’t get how people can do hooking up or FWB.
I feel like today’s hook up culture has fucked people. No pun intended.
Not everyone gets attached from sex only but if you realizes that a fwb or a hookup, as nice as they can be, don’t see you as more than just a good time it does mess with you. Especially as women, often there isn’t always a guarantee we’ll even get to orgasm so it feels we’re just being used in a sense.
Guy here.
I don’t want and couldn’t handle FWBs, since I have no interest in sex with anyone I’m not romantically interested in. To me it’s an extension of being partners with someone.
Maybe FWBs works for others out there, but every time I’ve known someone who was FWBs with someone, it backfired. And I used to be an active musician/artist who knew lots of other musicians/artists who experimented with non-traditional sex lives. All the happiest ended up with a partner.
I have a FWB/casual relationship. I haven’t seen him since December due to the distance and busy schedules, but we still talk and exchange nudes. He calls me randomly and we talk for hours. We go on adventures (dates). We cuddle. We have sleepovers. Talk about life.
We don’t want a LDR. We’re not super compatible on a deeper level (sometimes we run out of things to talk about). But we have fun together, great chemistry, amazing sex, and clear expectations/communication. We’re both happy.
You were getting used as a fuck buddy by your ex. Entirely different scenario.
it’s for satisfaction not validation how you catching feelings
Remember what it implies as well. That you’re tolerable enough to bang *without* the risk of emotional or romantic attachment. There’s nothing about you they find romantically attractive or they would approach the *entire* situation differently.
I used to think FWB could “evolve” into a relationship. Sure it happens, but it’s an exception and not the rule. More often you end up feeling used and empty.
A lot of women come to this conclusion. Oddly enough, virtually no men feel this way. I think commitment-free sex is different for women than it is for men.
FWB requires 2 things:
1. Strong sense of self/being secure in who you are
2. Mature emotional intellect
Without these, people are just playing themselves into an inevitable trap of emotional abuse and self-destruction. It’s natural and normal to develop feelings for someone that you’re intimately involved with. This is where emotional maturity comes in: once your feelings about the relationship have shifted from what was initially agreed upon, it’s time to sit with that person and have an adult conversation about how you’re feelings have changed and how you’d like to move forward.
If you want to avoid catching feelings, I would suggest either not doing FWB or having more than one person that you hook up with, this way you’re not attributing sex with the one person as any more significant than someone else.
I don’t do FWB personally because that doesn’t align with my beliefs or how I want to live life as a human being. I’ve already slept with more people than I ever intended to and looking back on it I’m a little disappointed in myself. I don’t have regrets about it, because I’ve learned from those experiences.
Yes yes yes. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just dealt with the same thing except I fortunately didn’t go far as to sleep with this guy, and turned him down. What you said is exactly right. “You like me enough to bang, but not enough to show any care or consideration for anything beyond my body.”
I fucking hate hookup culture and the idea of FWB/fuck buddies. Good on you for getting out. You deserve better.
It’s your ego that get’s hurt i think. I’m the same way, love flirting and sex without commitment, but if they say they’re not looking for a relationship after the sex i feel insulted and won’t meet them again, i especially get insulted if i obviously didn’t want more with them either, like getting rejected by someone you don’t want anyway. Often it’s the other way around the men want’s something more and then it’s okay for me to be FWB with them although they sometimes stop because i don’t want a relationship with them and i totally understand since i’m the same way.
Edit: sleep with men who adore you and would like to date you!
Sounds like you found self respect. Good for you. And you’re still young where alot of people never figure this out. If you want guys to take you seriously then make them earn you. You’ll see your friends just give it away and watch the nonsense they go through. Good luck
Just know yourself/be honest with yourself. If you tend to catch feelings or see such deals in some negative light, then it’s just not for you. So, no, it’s not neccessarily unhealthy and shitty, just not suitable for you.
Any relationship deserves respect. If anyone treats you like you aren’t good enough, toss them.
Yeah this will happen every time.
So a key part of FWB is the *friend* bit.
If you’re just fucking and leaving, you probably aren’t friends.
If you enjoy each other’s company, hanging out, grabbing pizza, shooting the shit, sometimes hanging out with other friends, etc. and you sometimes fuck, you’re probably FWB.
If you just fuck and treat each other like fleshlights, then you are, at best, hooking up.
that second sentence is pretty much the name of this game, not sure where the confusion came from. then in the second paragraph you go on to talk about how you’re confused that he didnt catch feelings basically. that’s quite literally the point of what you were involved in with this man. you were having casual sex. if you arent a casual sex kind of person, dont do it to yourself. ive learned that i cant, and maybe you’re the same way. seems to me the part that was missing here is that this guy was just a casual encounter and not actually a “friend” with benefits. a friend still cares, but a casual sex partner probably doesnt that much. you got into a situationship and expected it to go further, that was your mistake. dont just assume that its going to turn into a relationship just because you’re having sex with someone. lesson learned hopefully.
Did you really need advice when you know the truth already? You literally admitted it in the title of this post.
Tbh… FWB only work for people who’ve been severely hurt and jaded IMO. You’d have to get hurt enough to not easily fall for someone during sex anymore. But like others have said, the hook up culture also may be conditioning this unhealthy habit faster. And you’re right, it is truly stupid.
Oxytocin is literally the bonding hormone, and imma say it takes a lot of painful past experiences to fight against it. Sorry this happened to you, but I hope you choose the high road from this experience 🙏🏼
Why y’all mad lol you the ones who changed the agreement. Friends with benefits. Friends. Nothing more. If you don’t like that or you aren’t mature enough for it, then don’t agree to it. ‘I’m not ready for a relationship but I need every guy to want to date me but not actually be able to and like yes I can totally handle casual sex’. You sound like a headache. And as a wise man once said, we go through too much bullshit just to mess with these drunk and hot girls.
>Had to cut off my FWB (22M) today because I fully deeped that I was literally sleeping with someone who only saw me as good enough for sex, and nothing more than that.
I had a FWB like that whom I met on a dating site… We were on there to actually date, even his profile said that, then he decided ihe didn’t want a relationship or to date… I ended up moving 5 minutes walk from him purely by coincidence, and we started hooking up on occasion… Then he’d lose interest, then because I was horny, he’d text and we’d have sex, but only ever on his schedule…
He was only ever interested in dating me when I was dating someone else, then he’d tell me to dump the guy I was seeing so I could be with him…
When I finished dating the guy, he’d not want anything to do with me, rinse and repeat…
I ended up blocking his number 2 years ago because I’d had enough…
He was 40 at the time and I was 33… I’m far too old for those fucking games!
Honestly, just stick to your vibrator until you find a decent guy who will see you for the decent human being you are!
Men can do it, but it makes you feel like shit and still there is temptation to fall in love. Women I think usually do fall in love and agree to this to just keep the dude if he’s not interested. Obviously that’s stereotype and sometimes it’s reverse. Anyways it’s not good for you. For whole book of reasons.
Exs make terrible FWB because your reminded of the traits outside of dating that you liked. You chose them at one point because they were a good friend. It ended because they were a bad partner. Never do that.
My old FWB was nice. We hung out, watched movies and maybe once a month or so slept together before going back to normal. When he did catch feelings we talked about it gently, he took some time away because he felt it meant he was ready for something more than we had and I was okay with that. Hes married now, I’m in a good relationship myself and were still friendly. It can work out if everyone is mature and communicates
> FWB is unhealthy and shitty
Ok, what is it THIS time…
> because I fully deeped that I was literally sleeping with someone who only saw me as good enough for sex, and nothing more than that
Then he wasn’t your FWB, he was your booty call. You were missing the whole “F” part in FWB–being friends is LITERALLY the first thing here.
> I really thought I could do it because I do get horny at times but don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship.
Then masturbate. If you want a booty call–literally what you’ve described, as in someone to call when you want a body to fuck with–then keep what you had. If you want a FWB, someone you can be *friends* with who sees you as a *friend* outside the *benefits* portion of the evening, then get a friend you’re attracted to.
And since you’re self-admittedly not ready for a relationship, then keep it that way. Don’t date anyone else either, because they’re looking for a relationship and you’re not ready to give them that part.
> I gave myself so many pep talks on how I was going to be emotionless before I got into the situation
Sex still involves feelings, if even only at 10%. There are robot people out there just fucking for the sake of having someone to get their rocks off.
> like the dumb ho that I am
Hey–watch the negative self-talk. You can be a dumb ho, but not like THAT; I’m a dumb ho, but only because it makes me happy.
> how do you guys regularly sleep with someone without catching any feelings?
Personally, I make sure we’re not a good match, relationship-wise, before settling into FWB territory. If we don’t really connect outside the bedroom but the chemistry is fantastic, then I bring up the possibility of being FWB–and any rules therein. If I do find myself wistful for the possibility of a future relationship, I remind myself why it wouldn’t work out in the first place–what reasons I had for consigning our relationship to FWB status only. That usually does the trick.
> Time and time again I am seeing that this may not be possible for me.
If it’s because you’re catching feelings, then yeah, maybe it isn’t for you.
If it’s because you don’t want to feel like a warm hole for your preferred partner, then consider reinforcing the “friends” part of the “FWB” pact so you don’t feel like shit.
> It’s so annoying and idiotic that I don’t want a relationship myself, yet am upset that this man doesn’t see me as relationship material.
You’re deluding yourself here, and putting yourself down for it. Again–*watch the negative self-talk*. What we have here is a lesson, and that lesson is *you absolutely ARE ready for a relationship, but with a guy who doesn’t want one with you*.
Actually that last part is an assumption…. did he say, specifically, he didn’t want a relationship with you? You don’t really make a note anywhere in your post, and it *alludes* to it, sure, but I need specifics before I start accusing.
> I think I’m upset because for men, 90% of the time, “I don’t want a relationship right now” just means “I don’t want a relationship with YOU”.
Not just for men, hon. Women are, in my humble and biased opinion (while I don’t date men, I frequently hear this complaint from men about women, moreso than I hear from women about men), one of the biggest users of that phrase in the dating realm.
> Why did I start FWB with a guy I would make an exception to my “no dating rn” rule for, but would not make an exception to his “no dating rn” rule for me?
It happens. THIS right here should have been your post, not the rest of it.
And to answer the question… you shouldn’t start a FWB relationship with the unspoken personal rule of “I would make an exception to my ‘no dating rn’ rule”. Consign that person to FWB and FWB, *only*; and if you catch feelings and they don’t, then you move on–for your own personal health.
> Looks like it’s back to vibrator life again
Godspeed. You’re 22, you’ll bounce back before you know it.