I (21M) have a (23F) girlfriend. She and I have been dating for a year but have known each other for years and have been doing good. About five or six weeks ago her mother died. She was devastated and so was I, she was like a second mother to me. I knew I couldn’t let myself recluse as my girlfriend was living with her but never would be given ownership of the house as it was collateral or something and now needed someplace to stay. I offered for her to stay at my place and she said yes. It’s hard now because I am supporting both of us right now and saving money for emergency funds so I’m working multiple jobs while taking classes online. She is depressed and I understand that, but it’s hard. I found SH marks the first week of her here so every so often I ask to see her wrists and if she says no I don’t push to hard. It’s had a positive effect as I haven’t seen any new scars since week two of living together. About three weeks into her living here she asked me to help her shower and I did so I know she didn’t harm other areas too. I cook for us both, I make sure that she’s comfortable as possible and taken care of. I tell her that I love her and she can take all the time she needs. I’ve tried to get her to seek therapy but she gets too nervous at the doorway to leave the house and talking to anyone other than me for more than half an hour makes her uncomfortable so sessions are very short. She’s gotten better though because at first five minutes would be too hard for her. I’m just lost as she hits a brick wall when it comes to leaving the house and I just feel drained, coming home after work for my few hours before job 2 or after all work is done it’s like I walk into job three with taking care of her. I want t cry to, I want to break down but I’m not letting myself as there are too many things relying on me for me to take time to myself I’m just lost and don’t know how to proceed. What do I do? Any advice at all?
4 comments
this is a really hard situation to deal with especially since her mother had just passed and the depression has hit her really fucking hard, but i want YOU to know that you’re being an amazing boyfriend, you are being the best boyfriend you can possibly be for her and idk if she says it but in her mind she definitely is extremely thankful for you because without you she would be god knows where and you practically saved her life. it is a really good sign that shes been improving her therapy session timings and not self harming but you healing from this event especially death takes a long time depending on each person and i know it’s taking a HUGE toll on you but you need to make sure you let out those feelings you are holding bc if you don’t they will eat you up and consume you to the point where you will be miserable too. u should consider talking to a therapist just incase u know to have an outlet bc i doubt u wna be telling all this to ur gf who already has a lot on her plate. do things that make u happy, find time to do it even tho i’m sure u r busily booked due to ur jobs. also search for a therapist that ur gf is comfortable w and if it’s ok u can sit during the session w her to make sure she feel safe. try reaching out to her closest friends and family members she can spend time with and wallow to instead of putting it all on u. i understand this is extremely difficult but if you guys truly love each other then you guys will pass through this rough time together. i believe in you guys💗💖
First, can i tell you how amazingly kind you have been to your GF? That’s huge.
One thing COVID dud for the world was to help people figure out how to do their jobs remotely. Most mental health providers in my area offer phone or zoom-type counseling services. This could be a good first step to get her some therapy. It sounds as though she is lost in her grief right now, and that has to process at her own pace.
One final note. My partner used to SH, and explained to me that the physical pain was sometimes the only way to distract herself from mental/emotional anguish. If you do see evidence of SH again, react calmly, and don’t make her feel bad about herself. It is a coping behavior – maybe not the most productive, but it is a was a way for her to deal with unbearable emotional pain. You can certainly ask her to promise not to SH, just be kind in your response if you see it again.
You’re being a fantastic caretaker, but you need to keep an eye on yourself, too, or either the caretaker burnout will eventually make you irreversibly resentful or dangerously depressed, too. Is there someone she could safely stay with for a couple days every so often while you take some you time for grief and self care with some of your time away from work? I know that’ll feel weird to ask for, but you matter here, too, and insisting you always hold up the whole world alone is not healthy.
Also, you probably both need some therapy. In lots of places, you can do video visits now, so if she’s struggling to leave the house that might be a good plan for her. If she won’t talk to anyone but you, maybe some couples sessions would be good where you can both talk to someone about what’s going on and gain enough familiarity for her to feel better about solo sessions.
I’d really recommend you also lean on your support network – if you have close family or friends, visit them, call them, share how things are going and share how you’re feeling and anything you need. You’d be amazed how much just airing what’s going on can help and sometimes you’ll find that there’s more help than you thought there was if you just ask.
Also, feel empowered to not always use maximum effort. Yeah, premade frozen stuff isn’t amazing, but microwave for 2 minutes or toss onto a baking tray and heat in the oven for 10 minutes can be a huge weight lifted. Cereal, meal replacement bars, those fruit and veggie pouches they make for toddlers, etc. can all be good, low effort ways for her to eat okay without burdening you. And sometimes, the McDonald’s or whatever cheap fast food is worth taking a little of the burden off.
At some point, she’ll need to find her own way out of the grief. Most people eventually do, but it’s usually quite a process. Unfortunately, not everyone does. So give her time to grieve and work through the grieve, but if things get stuck this way for way too long with no progress towards better, choose you and your happiness over her intensive needs. I know that’s hard to do and not many people will tell you that straight up, but her mom passing was not your fault and you are not obligated to hold her world together indefinitely just because you were dating when it happened. You’re a young man and you don’t deserve to lose any shot at ever being happy again over a woman who can’t find her way back to you, no matter how great she was before the bottom fell out of her world. Do what you can while you feel like you can, but you’re not a bad person if it becomes too much and you have to walk away as long as you leave her somewhere reasonably safe when you go.
Best of luck. You’re a good man with a good heart, but don’t get so wrapped in that identity that you forget to take care of you.
What you are doing is really admirable. It’s awe inspiring.
I can’t tell by what you have written if your girlfriend is currently receiving therapy or not.
If she won’t leave the house? It’s possible for her to receive therapy over the phone or via the computer. I think you should look into that for her.
As far as the self-harming? That is another level of need. It’s the kind of thing you can’t be responsible for. That’s not your job.
>*Self-harm and self-injury are any forms of hurting oneself on purpose. Usually, when people self-harm, they do not do so as a suicide attempt. Rather, they self-harm as a way to release painful emotions.*
Nor do you have the professional training to know what you should and should not be doing in regards to her self harm.
Please call someone to get her help. If she is practically non-functioning? Don’t sugar coat it.
She needs professional help.
Please call someone.
Also? With everything that you were doing? Please reach out for help for yourself. If anything you can reach out to other subreddits on Reddit. There is a subreddit for caregivers:
r/CaregiverSupport
{{Virtual Hugs}}
__Crisis Text Line__ [here](https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1).
__National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)__ [here](https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Self-harm).