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My girlfriend is unable to cum in any way whether it be sex or masterbating herself, the only way that she can climax is if she wears some specific pyjama bottoms she calls her ‘nut trousers’ then kind of scrunches them up and lays on her stomach then rubs herself up against the bed.
She told me this is the only way she has ever been able to cum and nothing else every gets her close – this has been the case for as long as she can remember. She said she starting doing this at a really young age (around 7)
We still have a great sex life and she assures me that she enjoys sex with me and it feels good even if she can’t cum, but I would love to be able to help her do so and I’m willing to do whatever to be able to. I’ve told her that it’s completely okay (obviously) and that there’s no pressure or anything.
What can I do to help?
34 comments
Why do you want to help her when she hasn’t asked for your help regarding this specific issue?
Lots of women don’t cum during piv sex. If you and she think that her current “only way to cum” is it, then most likely either (a) you haven’t tried many alternatives, like oral, manual, anal, and various kinds of mechanical stimulation, or (b) there may be some psychological issues holding her back. I won’t explore (b) further, but if that’s it, therapy can help. Also, most women benefit from more foreplay before the main event, and lots of foreplay with various types of stimulation beforehand can make a huge difference for some women.
I used to only be able to cum in a similar way. A big part of it is mental. But as other people said already, the majority of women can’t cum during penetration. I now can cum using a vibrator but it took me awhile to be able to learn to. She just should not be hard on herself if she can’t at first.
Something like this isn’t all that uncommon. She found a way that worked for her and probably made her feel safe—easy to just quickly pretend you’re just napping if you get a surprise visitor.
There are also probably sensory triggers and cues that she has become really accustomed to over the years, so without them—plus adding another human to the mix—things might be a bit overwhelming.
Some things to try—assuming you both want to:
1. Don’t discourage her from the kind of masturbation she is comfortable with. If you do, she’ll feel like you think it’s weird, or like you think there’s something wrong with her. There isn’t. That will make it all that much harder for her to get comfortable orgasming in your presence.
2. Remember that for her (and most women) sex isn’t all about the O. Don’t pressure her to orgasm, don’t ask if she did, don’t express any disappointment whatsoever if she doesn’t. Any added pressure will just make it harder for it to happen and make sex less enjoyable.
3. Ask her to let you in to her comfort zone—meet her where she’s at. When she masturbates the way she likes, ask her to do it with you watching. Maybe do it together. Let her get comfortable having an orgasm with another person. As she gets comfortable with that, add some touching, other physical contact. Gradually work up to increased mutual activity. Essentially, slowly integrate sex with what you already know works for her.
Wow.. just scrolling and came across this post. Something you just said really resonates with me that I’ve never realised before… I don’t like an audience and can’t get off because of it. I LOVE sex, but have never really been able to orgasm apart from either on my own or at the beginning of relationships. Off to a therapist I go 🫠
Ps.. my partner of ten years doesn’t know, it would ruin him. I always feel pressured to cum so usually fake it and I’ve never understood why. Also, I don’t know if this is a thing, as soon as he realises I’m close it’s too exciting for him and BaNg it’s over. Yay for me.
*masturbating
…nut trousers? Lmao.
Have you tried dry humping while she wears the pajama bottoms? It might be fun and give her similar sensations, while still getting that closeness of actual sex. Maybe suggest she lay on top of you instead of the bed and just do her thing.
I love sex but get most pleasure from outer only. Or oral with fingers. Husband understands I still love the sex closeness and getting him off is amazing. Just communicate always and maybe even try new things. There is a gel called excite that I buy from Amazon and it just goes a lil on the clit and makes it more sensitive for me and easier to orgasm. I go from
0-100
Lol.
I don’t have a specific piece of advice.
I just love that your gf has “nut trousers”…
Fucking awesome. 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
This is actually positive. I used to do something similar, but if you get the position just right she should be able to replicate the same sense of applied pressure on the right spot, and general area stimulation, with her on top of you.
When she’s on top she can also control the rhythm and pace, just like she can by herself.
It’s very rare I’m able to finish in any other position other than on top because I’m so used to it by now, but every so often he’ll hit the right speed and weight while he’s on top of me, and then it’s amazing. Just have to go into it with no expectations and let her experiment with you.
I used to be this way to! If she’s comfortable being on top I def recommend she tries the position called Thigh Tide, the only difference is I don’t usually have my partner bend his knee but you can try both ways and see what is more comfortable. This position will stimulate her clit and hopefully help make it more enjoyable!
I think she needs a sex therapist. They should be readily available, but I don’t know how to help her find one. Good luck and I hope you can grow your love.
Womanizer toy?
It took me like a solid 6-9 months for my bf to get me to cum through oral/fingering. I can cum from Piv, no problem, but oral makes me too self conscious (worried about how I look or smell) and fingering was just…. Well we needed to find a way for him to get me off and it just took a while but nothing crazy.
When I’m alone I prefer using a dildo and finger myself. You could ask her if she’s comfortable getting some toys, like a cute dildo or vibrator or something. Some women are really into nipple play or french kissing during sex.
Just relax, experiment. Ask her if she’s open to trying new things. She’s only 19 so it may take a while. If I might suggest not watching porn because it sets unrealistic expectations. Yes it looks great but I often see VERY ODD THINGS like women slapped on their vaginâ and I just can’t imagine they aren’t faking their orgasms just to get the guy to stop slapping them there.
My bf watched a lot of porn before he met me so I had to tell him what was possibly fake and what was possibly “real”. He also thought that the porn casting videos were authentic…. And that the ladies with double DD tits didn’t have surgery. I had to zoom in and show him the surgery scars. I just couldn’t believe it.
Eat her out while pressing a vibrator against her clit.
Keep trying different ways.
I discovered by accident my gf can cum when I’m on top but I had my feet against the wall at bed level. A lot of friction on her clit when doing it and holy sh!t. Lol
Nut trousers is hilarious.
She’s 19, she will figure it out. Try sex while she’s using a vibrator. But ultimately if you’re both getting off it’s all good.
Was she molested as a child?
I once had a GF who really enjoyed naked grinding against my thigh and knee to the point it got her off. It was quite weird at first but I soon got into it as I would deep kiss her as she was doing it so I didn’t just feel like an “object” she was grinding and I could build “connection” with her that way.
You could try that, or finger her from the rear as she’s grinding, or just have your hands on her or whatever. As others have said, you could try toys. Start with something fairly unintimidating like a bullet vibe.
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Upvote for ‘nut trousers’.
I’m going to recommend one of my favorite books to you, and not so that it can directly help with the actual sex. *Come As You Are* by Emily Nagowski is an incredible book and it frames sexual response in a way most don’t think about. It helps the reader understand that there is no “normal” when it comes to sexual desire and response and that there are both brakes and accelerators at play in each person.
I think your GF could really benefit from this book as I would guess she feels like something is wrong with her, which has the further effect of acting as a brake on her response. When my wife and I read this book, I got a great understanding of how her response works, but more importantly she gained a confidence that there was nothing wrong with her, which has removed a huge brake inhibiting her.
You’ve got an amazing way of looking at this for your age. Keep supporting her!
THIS USED TO BE ME! I thought that I didn’t like receiving oral because it felt ticklish. I did not understand that ticklish feeling was just a step on the pathway to having an orgasm. Finally I had a very patient partner that told me to just relax and not worry about anything and just fantasize about stuff in my head like I would if I was grinding against my pajamas. And it worked! I know that Dan Savage says that if guys grind against the bed they can desensitize themselves very badly but I have never heard him talk about women doing it. And it did not desensitize me, so she probably can orgasm with you if you guys really want to figure it out.
i recommend trying having her top and laying in a position similar to how she does on the bed. there’s a lot of toys that can be used in that position too, like tiny vibrators that clip onto the clit, or whatever else would get the sort of friction she likes.
most women can’t cum just from sex. some can and good for them, others are too polite/embarrassed to admit it and just pretend they do. some will be direct and tell you what they need to get off, and when someone runs into this for the first time it’s better to be grateful to have an honest and proactive sex partner, rather than being mad that society’s expectations turned out to be false. in your case its true that it’s maybe unusually specific, but the situation and its physical mechanics are a lot closer to typical than you might think.
Most women need to learn to cum. You can tell her to practice herself and eventually she will be able to.
This is relateable. I am only able to in a specific way as well. I think it is just as enjoyable for her if she does it her way.
Read *Come As You Are* by Emily Najoski, Ph. D. together, maybe?
This book has helped me understand the physical and mental aspects of sexuality and arousal in all its unique and universal ways.
(Edit Reddittypo)
Everyone else is giving good advice about not pressuring her to cum, so I won’t bother. But maybe there’s a workaround, if she’s willing to experiment with you
Obviously she needs clitoral stimulation to cum, like most women. Do you touch her when you’re having sex? Lube up your hand, or knuckles, and gently press it onto her clit while she’s on top, this will grind against her while she bounces. This sounds like it might be similar enough that it would be good for her. Plus girl-on-top is usually best for internal clitoral stimulation too (g-spot)
Another option is prone position. Have her completely flat on her tummy and enter her from behind. Roll up a pillow or fabric or whatever to scrunch up under her hips to help postion the angle better, and give her something to rub her clit against. She can also bend one knee up in this postion (broken eagle) which will give you better access to hit her g-spot.
Her nut trousers (lol, btw) might also play a key part. Some people can’t stand direct clit touch. So maybe have her keep her underwear on, and pull them to the side when you enter her, and keep them over her clit when you rub.
She can also rub her own clit, obviously. This is very common. I have to do this during sex every time or I can’t cum, my bf is totally fine with it. I would love to cum penetration only but that’s just not the way my body works.
You guys are young, it’s completely 100% normal that you dont have this totally worked out yet so don’t get discouraged. It takes time to figure out what does and doesn’t work, both individually and with a partner. Just relax and have fun exploring. An orgasm is fun, but the process of learning your partners body is even better, so take the time to smell the roses so to speak. It’s really nice that you care about her pleasure, you sound like a great couple, I hope you find something in this thread that helps. Good luck!
I was willing to take this entirely seriously until i read “nut trouser” and now that’s all I’m going to think about for awhile.
I’m a man so take my comments with a grain of salt, but remember she is young. Most guys can finish from a stiff breeze, but women need time to get to know their bodies and understand their sexuality. My wife has specific needs that I made space for, and once she got comfortable with me and we learned each other she started having orgasms more often than me, which is a great feeling. Be patient and mindful in your experimentation and don’t set expectations except to enjoy yourselves. She will probably be able to get there with you eventually.
You know what to do. Put on the nut trousers. *Become* the nut trousers.
Don’t focus too hard on the making her cum bit.
Do focus on making the sex you do have as enjoyable as possible.
A good way to do this is get really familiar with her masturbation style… ask if you can watch. Encourage her. Etc. The way she touches herself is ultimate pleasure, and it’s a great tool for learning to improve how YOU touch her. Pay attention to how she moves her hips, the ways she’s wiggling. Are her shorts pushing her hood up? Get really specific with her. Again, the point isn’t to make her cum. Just to see how good you *can* make her feel
7 is the age when I figured out certain things felt nice but growing up in a religious household taught me that touching was a no no and exploring those regions would make you go blind. (I legitimately wish I was making this stuff up). To this day, I cannot make myself cum using my own two hands. In response, neither can anyone else.
It really is a mental thing. I need to feel comfortable mentally so using fingers/hands/etc puts up a mental block like, “oh that’s weird… this is dirty.”
This is not unusual what your girlfriend is experiencing. It really is about seeing if she’s willing to open up to you sexuality in a manner she probably hasn’t been able to yet and that takes intimacy, safety and stability. Then I’d say see if she’s willing to allow you to use the pjs on her somehow. Just sort of slowly trend from where she’s gotten to solo to a place where you can share her experience together. Pjs on the bed to pjs while she’s on her back. Then slowly to other places.
And be patient. This won’t happen overnight. It’ll just take time.